Any similar incidents?

I just know that I need to get out of this freaking shit hole, and how do I achieve that?

I just have to act my way outta here. I can feel the fats sinking in, I can feel everything getting
tighter, I can feel my illness going away but somehow I am paranoid of letting go.

I am really scared of letting go, I am afraid to lose this battle.
But I dont even know the battle that I am trying to beat too.

Have anyone felt similarly before?

SHUDDUP

Thinking about everything in life, I think I feel really desperate.

I don't know how to convey my feelings or sentiments, either through words or actions.
Being able to talk to others and telling them to think positive, its gonna be like a hypocrite.

I have promised myself to keep quiet as of now 10pm of 29/11/2013.

Starting from tomorrow, I shall just keep mum and keep my mouth shut and just suck it up.

Keep thinking about all these just make tears drop and drop endlessly.

Please stop, brain. You have ruined me enough.

FML

My best friend found out that I lied to her. I didnt do it intentionally.

I just didn't want to affect her. Maybe another reason I didnt want to let her know its because
I know that it isnt doing myself good as well (being more selfish no?) because I know that I am
gaining w but she is outside losing w.

Maybe that's why I contemplated telling others because I know I am going to get so triggered by
them having the freedom outside and thus, being able to restrict/BP and lose all the weight and yet I
am made to gain past my hw.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

Can someone advise me what to do?

Please let me know whether I should continue talking or communicating with my friends.

I dont have much friends already.

I miss you, W.

I really miss the W.
I really miss the sense of security it gave, although it might be false.
I really miss the love that I felt there that I have never felt elsewhere. Although we are strangers, you guys loved me more than how my loved ones would do.
I really miss the food there, undoubtedly. I know it might seem rather ridiculous for someone like me to like the food there. But, trust me, it really is nice. As much as I want to deny it, it really is the best thing ever.
I miss the times with the girls when we would all crowd around and start bitching about other anti-recovery people and talking about those annoying nurses.
I miss the times when we would all secretly look forward to 8am, 12pm, 6pm for all the meals.
I miss the times when we look forward to the trolley man coming to the ward and delivering the food.
I miss the times when we would complain about the temperature of the drinks/supplements.
I miss the times when we would get ready to bathe after the permitted time.
I miss the times when we see nurses catch some naughty patients cheating (those that we dont like though)
I miss the times when we have to get weighed every Monday. As much as we hate to know the weight, we know it determines our schedule for the rest of the week.
I miss the times when we had to sit in the activity room/nurses counter after meals to distract ourselves.
I miss the times when we could just talk and not care about everything happening in the external world, and just caring about what's up for the next meal.
I miss the times that we would only think about whether we had fish already or whether the texture of the oats are smooth/sweet/bland or whether our egg was runny/hard-boiled/soft-boiled/raw/uncooked or whether there were more gravy today or whether our banana was bigger than others.
I miss the times when we had those purple or pink cups with our supplements inside.
I really miss the W.