Medication

Help readers,

I am taking this anti-psychotic medicine, Olanzapine, and it has serious side effects like WEIGHT GAIN.

How am I supposed to deal with this? Urgh.

Please comment if you have any ideas.

Short rant to non existent readers

I feel like my whole life is just so boring, nothing exciting like finding a boyfriend or good friends or people who seriously cherish me.

Maybe these thoughts would come and go away, but its just times like this that make me feel super duper lonely and so helpless. The crazy thoughts would always come at this timing, haunting me like cray cray.

Maybe I would act on those thoughts sometimes or maybe just once, and I will never ever come back again (if you know what I mean) Sometimes people words comments actions can also make me feel so inferior but then again what Eleanor Roosevelt said was true "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent". If I didn't have so intense and so many insecurities, I don't think life would be so tough. I brought all these upon myself.

Without all these triggers, I would be able to function as a normal person and lead a normal life. Maybe there will be ups and downs but I know I won't do silly stuff or have cray cray on-top-of-the-world insane thoughts.

Nobody ever ever stays. I repeat NOBODY.

Rant isn't over yet, it's just that I don't want to bore you guys. HAHAHHA.

Go ahead and judge me.

Ciaos, sorry there isn't any pictures available. boring blog.

Random Post

Guess trying to beat and defeat something that is so magically insane right up your mind is just so taxing, be it physically or mentally.

"You shouldn't be the one fighting this alone, we are all in this together"

- This is just some kind of bull shit that I just want to shove it into their face. Because they havent been there and they think its some easy feat to just pull off recovery as if we want to remain sick (okay maybe thats what I want).

But up till now I still don't know what are the reasons to continue being sick.
1. Maybe its for attention.
2. Maybe I genuinely love being skinny.
3. Maybe I love feeling cold all the time.
4. Maybe I just don't want to grow up. (without menses, you aren't a full complete woman just as what they say and they make it sound like women are considered blood producing mammals of the world)
5. Maybe I just want to skip school.
6. Maybe I just want to avoid reality and rather shove it down under the carpet and never to face it ever again.

Yeah, this is just something that I have come up with, in an impromptu situation like right now but if you guys have any more ideas or any more reasons as to why someone with ED would want to continue being sick, comment below and I would include them.

Just want to let all of you know that you guys arent alone in this and I will always battle this with you guys. We might know each other personally but trust me, I have been through the toughest phases of recovery and it hasnt been a single bit smooth sailing but things get better,

Trust me, for once, at least that I am not lying over the fact that the rainbow has to come only after the storm and furthermore, this is scientifically proven.

Maybe whenever I have the time I would then choose to post more food porn pictures of my bp sessions, sigh but I dont take picture of my purge unlike some others who like to take photo of their purge, i just find it so weird.

Please stop.

Please stop making my life miserable.
Please stop making me anxious around food.
Please stop making me upset over eating an extra mouthful.
Please stop making me feel guilty after every binge purge session.
Please stop making me resort to underhand means to get what I want to binge on.
Please stop making the binge episodes rule over my life.
Please stop making me addicted to this purging.
Please stop telling me that this will be the last time (because both you and I know that it will never be the last as much as we always say this is the last time).
Please stop telling me lies that with every purge, I am going to get skinnier and when I get skinnier, people will start loving me and I will start being popular.
Please stop feeding me lies that my worth is based on the number on the scale.
Please stop pushing people away from my social life.
Please stop this comparison with other people when I am not even done with my own self care.

Just stop, please.

SHUDDUP

Thinking about everything in life, I think I feel really desperate.

I don't know how to convey my feelings or sentiments, either through words or actions.
Being able to talk to others and telling them to think positive, its gonna be like a hypocrite.

I have promised myself to keep quiet as of now 10pm of 29/11/2013.

Starting from tomorrow, I shall just keep mum and keep my mouth shut and just suck it up.

Keep thinking about all these just make tears drop and drop endlessly.

Please stop, brain. You have ruined me enough.

HIATUS AND BACK AFTER SO LONG.

I guess I have been on hiatus for quite some time.

Got really bad with my eating disorder behaviours, almost got sent over to the hospital
but luckily, I managed to get away with it.

Been binging and purging and restricting and all.

Urgh, really hate this constant cycle.

Anyway, there are various photos that I want to upload of my binge food also :D

Rant.

I don't really know who reads my blog but oh well, thanks for making me feel a tiny weeny bit better everyday I see that the page views increase because that means that there are people reading this worthless place that I usually rant. Thank you guys <3

Okay, back to the real topic, I am feeling like shit because I feel so alone.

It's not just alone, it is being alone in a crowded room. That kind of feeling where you see everyone
around you just together and you are the only one being left out, being ostracized to one corner,
where everyone of different walks of life could just click with each other, but just leaving you the only
socially awkward one there as if you are transparent.

That is how I feel every moment, its as if people don't want to include me in everything and that my presence doesn't matter at all. I don't even know why I exist and why I choose to live on.

It is not only difficult to handle the life in Singapore as a student. But adding to all these challenges, are the challenges that the ED post to my life and the DEPRESSION monster, its just making things a million times
worse than it used to be.

Sorry this is such a mundane post but I just wanted to rant, maybe its because of the lack of friends which explain why I don't have anyone to rant to. Its just me and .... me.

Photos can really tell a million words. I just feel that I have to take photo of it lest the moment becomes just gone that way, and I am so afraid that one day I might suffer from dementia. I can feel that now, like I constantly forget about many things and when I say many things, I really mean many things. 

Last but not least, to everyone out there reading this worthless and stupid blog
(but you guys are still awesome alright?), 

THIS PICTURE IS FOR YOU GUYS

Holiday mood.

I saw that my stats are increasing, yay!

That means more people are reading my boring life, muhahahahhah dk why too.

Yeah, but anyway, it's been pretty bored.

Today, my therapist referred my relationship with the ED akin to a relationship of a wife with an abusive husband. I find that so true. Come to think of it, the ED abuses us but we still continue sticking to it. Don't you find it strange? Normal human beings tend to want to get well but this ED doesn't want us to get well, get that irony of this illness?

It just kind of daunt upon me how scary this ED hides itself.

Now see, the ED makes you feel that he/she/it is the only one there for you when everyone leaves you in the lurch but have you ever dig deep down to find out the root cause of why are people leaving your life/there are lesser people in your social circle?

YES, ITS BECAUSE OF THE ED.
IT HAS TOO MANY RULES THAT DOESNT CONFORM WITH THE NORM AND THAT IS WHAT MAKES YOU ABNORMAL AND THUS, UNABLE TO FIT IN WITH THE CROWD.

THERE ARE MANY THINGS THAT WE DO THAT WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY ARE WE DOING BUT WE CONTINUE DOING, BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE COMMANDS OF THE ED.

The ED causes the trouble and then, becomes very smart and secretive to come back in to act as the "HERO" to save you from solitude/feeling lonely.
It is smart, manipulative, secretive, malicious, greedy and everything else that you can describe someone who has just done an illegal act.

These are just some of the stuff and thoughts that have been in my mind today, it's been tough battling this internal struggle but trust me, it takes practice. The voice would tame down, one day. Just one day, wait till you see me beat you off the ass.

Few food photos to entice my blog

Some food porn yeah, havent been updating this blog with pictures.
So here comes.

myloveisladyfingers.

OKAY THIS IS SO GLUTTONISH. HAHAH

HELP.

Hello strangers,

I know nobody really read my blog but this is just another avenue for me to rant.
Anyway, things have been sort of the same as the previous time that I have blogged except for the
fact that things have been super rocky with family relationships and all.

I don't know what is wrong but I think it stems from my parents expectations from me, my
ED comparison with my sister, my sister hatred towards my illness and me and the financial
status of my parents and family as a whole. I don't even know whether it is right to call it a family
because it doesn't even feels like one.

It's been a tough road everyday, battling the internal struggles whether to r/b/p/e. My life is usually
revolved around the first 3. It's tough telling myself to do what any typical teenager would do.
I don't even know what am I living for. I bet many of you feel the same way but when I feel this way,
the only avenue that I have to seek for comfort and reassurance is through FOOD.

Sigh, this is just more of a general blog post rather than it targeting towards anyone/anything.
But I do have something to add - if any readers happen to read this post to the end, please tell me
how to stop comparing. I have to stop this bad habit of mine because it's tearing my life and my family
life apart. It's tearing the relationship between me and my sister. It is already torn apart and not only am I not trying to mend things, but I seem to be adding oil to the fuel.

Hiatus.

I haven't blogged for a long time, sigh. It's as if my life has ce to a standstill where the same cycle repeats itself everyday. Like I will BP and then BP and then BP, it's really scary. The amounts I eat, the money I spend, the money I waste, the time I waste, the other sacrifices of homework .. 

It's scary as fuck, trust me. 

I haven't been able to open up to anyone  except E. she is the only one there for me. I shall dedicate a post to her later. Anyway, the friendship haven't been a smooth one like all other things in my life. Anyway I doubt anyone reads my blog so yeah. Just some updates with some food porn! Messy and all, cos this was some binges. 

Rant, again. For the 10034840382902593 time

What am I supposed to do?

Everything is just so screwed up. Just got a fight with my parents.
But, see what this un-filial "daughter" is thinking. The only thing that i am thinking is "Yay, they are out of the house and I can do whatever I want without their supervision."
I am just wanting to b/p the whole way through. It is part of venting my anger and my frustration.

I gained weight and that is something that I want last to fucking screw up this weekend.

Why do I have to be such a fat whale and still surviving in this fucked up world?
This is so screwed up, nothing else is gonna work out.

Not wanting to seek attention but I really really want someone who is 24/7 always there to shower me with love, care and concern. Maybe, that is a robot or something, because I am human and I know that its impossible to stay by someone's side the whole time.

Some food porn for you guys.
Btw, this are the normal meals that are within the supervision of my parents. That means that I can't purge all this so the only way is to stick with safe choices.

What am I supposed to do next week when it is Common Test and my parents don't know that it is just no school and just going to school to take the paper?
Because I am sure that I will BP once I am free. Its taxing and annoying and expensive. HOW?

I miss you, W.

I really miss the W.
I really miss the sense of security it gave, although it might be false.
I really miss the love that I felt there that I have never felt elsewhere. Although we are strangers, you guys loved me more than how my loved ones would do.
I really miss the food there, undoubtedly. I know it might seem rather ridiculous for someone like me to like the food there. But, trust me, it really is nice. As much as I want to deny it, it really is the best thing ever.
I miss the times with the girls when we would all crowd around and start bitching about other anti-recovery people and talking about those annoying nurses.
I miss the times when we would all secretly look forward to 8am, 12pm, 6pm for all the meals.
I miss the times when we look forward to the trolley man coming to the ward and delivering the food.
I miss the times when we would complain about the temperature of the drinks/supplements.
I miss the times when we would get ready to bathe after the permitted time.
I miss the times when we see nurses catch some naughty patients cheating (those that we dont like though)
I miss the times when we have to get weighed every Monday. As much as we hate to know the weight, we know it determines our schedule for the rest of the week.
I miss the times when we had to sit in the activity room/nurses counter after meals to distract ourselves.
I miss the times when we could just talk and not care about everything happening in the external world, and just caring about what's up for the next meal.
I miss the times that we would only think about whether we had fish already or whether the texture of the oats are smooth/sweet/bland or whether our egg was runny/hard-boiled/soft-boiled/raw/uncooked or whether there were more gravy today or whether our banana was bigger than others.
I miss the times when we had those purple or pink cups with our supplements inside.
I really miss the W.

My dear friend tumblr again.

ED ruins your life.

When you get an eating disorder, you might think that you have total control over your life but, you are so wrong. ED takes over that control, and your life becomes this whole stupid cycle obsessed over food, weight and shape. Your social life, friends, family members, studies, fun are all taken away. You spend every single day thinking about food, calories and numbers.. Even when you are skinny, you will be too ashamed to show it to the world. People will not comment about how “good” you look but instead, how sick and gaunt you look, as if death would come collect you soon. You will then become so annoyed and confused. You will not be able to wear clothes that “shows off” your figure in fear the public will judge you. Probably, not only because you think you are too fat for their eyes but also part of you knows, people are judging you for being too unhealthy and gaunt looking. AND also that you ARE too thin. You won’t be able to fit into your favourite clothes. Clothes will only be hanging loosely off you, saggy and ugly. You will start needing stuff just to hold those clothes up. Dresses start looking baggy and too big (even when they are already the smallest size). Shorts or jeans becomes too loose. You start to lose the shape of your breast and your ass. Your curves starts disappearing. Your body that should be developing into a appealing curvy attractive figure gets stucked with the kiddy looking body. A stick, unappealing figure. Probably you can even be compared with a stick insect. Bones that juts out stick uncomfortably out. You can’t sit down on the floor or any hard surfaces comfortably. Even placing you elbow on your table hurts. Bruises start appearing everywhere and you gotta start wearing long sleeves or pants to hide them. You will start having no energy to do anything. You become yellow and pale looking. You cannot sleep well, and easy chores become hard. Baking? If it once was what you liked doing, becomes your fear. You beautiful long/short luscious hair starts falling out and it becomes so dry and frizzy like a broomstick. Relationships doesn’t matter anymore. You start losing interest with the opposite sex, which is so ironic. When in the first place you may be losing weight so that you can attract the opposite sex, longing for love and a relationship. You start rejecting dates or outings with friends because of the fear of FOOD. Or the matter about not having anything to wear since everything in your closet is just too huge or too small (ED thinking). You can’t even go to the beach for fear of wearing clothes that will “expose” you. You can’t go for physical ones because you have no energy to. You don’t dare to go to movies with them cause you cannot sit still or worse, stop thinking about food when just nearby you everywhere, there’s bags of popcorns, nachos and soda. You lose social life and soon, even your friends. Isolation is too common with an eating disorder. All you want to do is stay at home and avoid everything. You family starts to see those changes in you and realise your weird habits. They start putting pressure for you to change, thinking that your problem is nothing like an addiction and can be changed overnight. You fear a life without ED, you fear that once you get well, there will be too much time, an overabundance of it. You got too used to the old lifestyle and you abhor change. You cannot get rid of those chains you restrained on yourself.
Now, do you still want such a lifestyle? One that is so fucking shitty? Being skinny won’t solve a thing. Its just going to bring you even more trouble and frustrations. Accept yourself for who your are, accept yourself for whatever shape and size or weight you are. People like you based on your inner personality, not on your looks or size. Put yourself in their shoes! Do you judge others on their looks? Or their personality.

Why I want to cling onto the ED

Do you know why sometimes (most of the times) I want to cling onto the ED?

It is because I read that people with ED have strong determination, because they can set themselves to starve, purge, exercise, binge compulsively with a strict routine. They are very determined to lose the weight and nothing gets in their way. So that's why I think that if I give up on my eating disorder, people might think that I am someone without any determination, without any strength and without any willpower. Because I have given up the determination to continue losing weight.

Somehow, the ED determines how determined, how strong I am. I don't want others to see me as weak. I want them to see how strong I am, although in actual fact, I am crumbling deep within. This is something that needs to be changed because I oftentimes reject love whenever it's showered on me.

"We only accept the love we think we deserve."

I feel that I deserve the minimum love because I am not worth it because I am a big, fat, useless, worthless, enormous, stupid, rude, unkind, uncompassionate person.

Anyway, today someone told me something "I think you should lose some weight, you look really FAT since the last time I saw you."

WOW, this is the "best compliment" I received.

Motivation, Activities

Hey Readers, 

Just an update about what I have been doing. Nothing much but I just want to post a question to all others and see how you guys are responding. I really don't have anything to do at home and I really don't know what to do. 

I don't know what to do, for leisure, I mean.

Any nice movies/tv shows/documentaries to watch to kill time?

Are there any nice and interesting games to do or would there be an activity that is a little time consuming (Because i got the time of the world)

Food Porn. Home cooked & Hawker Fare.

Some food pictures to entertain you guys!

Most of these are actually home cooked but I packed it in a styrofoam box so that I can bring it to work. But, some of them are bought from outside.

Take care to all my readers. Love you guys and stay strong in this recovery process. I am not telling you that it's easy but I am gonna tell you it's worth it. 

There are good and bad days!

PERFECTIONISTIC

I haven't really posted in a while. Maybe, just something for you guys to take a break away from me.

Today, I decide to talk about family and how it has been affecting my family and in all ED patients. I realized that most ED patients are often characterized to be someone who used to be very obedient, independent and filial. But, after the ED overcame them, they have took a turn for the worse and all that they do is fight, quarrel and arguing with their family. The family is also shocked and astonished to how the ED can overwhelm and dominate the entire family.

ED patients are often characterized as perfectionistic and they want everything to go in their way. They are very rigid but they definitely don't have any ill intentions or what not. People haven't realized that they are purely innocent, and sometimes what they want is just some attention, love, care and concern. But, sometimes, family members also fail to see them as the real them rather than the ED self. They just know that "Oh, she is sick so whatever she says doesn't make sense" That can be rather daunting for the patient because they would feel so inferior and so looked down upon which would further decrease their self esteem. In fact, such comments only have negative consequences.

I know that most of us have always been seen as the perfect child and someone who wouldn't make their parents worry. But, I think sometimes we are too tired being the goody-goody child and being neglected due to the fact that parents think we are mature enough.

Maybe we just lack the attention, the unconditional love, the showering concern and most importantly, confidence. We feel that whatever we do is imperfect and we HAVE, NEED to change them to satisfy or please others.

But, ultimately, we aren't doing what we want to do. We are simply living the lives of others.

Emotions overwhelm me.

I think sometimes when we feel a certain way, we act based on our feelings and subconsciously it might be the wrong thing to do. But that's because we are humans and we are supposed to feel.

That can either be a good or bad thing. Sometimes when we are so sick, we think that we wanna seek help. But when we seek help and start recovering, we start regretting and start blaming and start the whole self-reproach thing?

Sometimes I feel like treatment is something that we act on based on positive and optimistic feelings that we will recover. And I know most of the times, when we feel down and demoralised we tend to want to fall back into the hole of the eating disorder and fall into relapse?

This are just some of my thoughts and I find it kind of helpful to talk about it

Food porn

Just some of my food pictures :)
Feel free to comment and maybe leave some pictures too. :)