A little food only la

Quite shocked that people read my blog but I should really start posting more food pictures.



Some kind of pan fried radish cake, you can fry it on your own too.

Quite fun frying them though!



Another hawker food that I like: Otah!

It is basically fish meat (processed) but nonetheless, delicious.
Sometimes, it can get too spicy but I still like it. You can choose to eat it plain or with bread, it tastes good either way!! Down it with a cup of milo beng (ICE MILO) and there you go, Singapore Unique Taste!



Another pumpkin bread that my children's mother made. She is indeed a baker and a cook.

HAHAH, IF I LIVE WITH HER, I WILL BECOME FATTYBOMBBOMB! LOL

Holiday mood.

I saw that my stats are increasing, yay!

That means more people are reading my boring life, muhahahahhah dk why too.

Yeah, but anyway, it's been pretty bored.

Today, my therapist referred my relationship with the ED akin to a relationship of a wife with an abusive husband. I find that so true. Come to think of it, the ED abuses us but we still continue sticking to it. Don't you find it strange? Normal human beings tend to want to get well but this ED doesn't want us to get well, get that irony of this illness?

It just kind of daunt upon me how scary this ED hides itself.

Now see, the ED makes you feel that he/she/it is the only one there for you when everyone leaves you in the lurch but have you ever dig deep down to find out the root cause of why are people leaving your life/there are lesser people in your social circle?

YES, ITS BECAUSE OF THE ED.
IT HAS TOO MANY RULES THAT DOESNT CONFORM WITH THE NORM AND THAT IS WHAT MAKES YOU ABNORMAL AND THUS, UNABLE TO FIT IN WITH THE CROWD.

THERE ARE MANY THINGS THAT WE DO THAT WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY ARE WE DOING BUT WE CONTINUE DOING, BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE COMMANDS OF THE ED.

The ED causes the trouble and then, becomes very smart and secretive to come back in to act as the "HERO" to save you from solitude/feeling lonely.
It is smart, manipulative, secretive, malicious, greedy and everything else that you can describe someone who has just done an illegal act.

These are just some of the stuff and thoughts that have been in my mind today, it's been tough battling this internal struggle but trust me, it takes practice. The voice would tame down, one day. Just one day, wait till you see me beat you off the ass.

Few food photos to entice my blog

Some food porn yeah, havent been updating this blog with pictures.
So here comes.

myloveisladyfingers.

OKAY THIS IS SO GLUTTONISH. HAHAH

Hiatus.

I haven't blogged for a long time, sigh. It's as if my life has ce to a standstill where the same cycle repeats itself everyday. Like I will BP and then BP and then BP, it's really scary. The amounts I eat, the money I spend, the money I waste, the time I waste, the other sacrifices of homework .. 

It's scary as fuck, trust me. 

I haven't been able to open up to anyone  except E. she is the only one there for me. I shall dedicate a post to her later. Anyway, the friendship haven't been a smooth one like all other things in my life. Anyway I doubt anyone reads my blog so yeah. Just some updates with some food porn! Messy and all, cos this was some binges. 

RANT (Lengthy one)

I think everyone is getting sick and tired of me, even I am getting sick and tired of myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, I am up for two weeks break from the hectic school but somehow, i would rather that there be school. Weird, don't ya think?

Yeah, I feel weird that as a teenager I would want to go to school.
I don't think any normal teenager would even feel that fucking way not even for 1 second.

We had a huge fight today at home, and I vowed to E that I would freaking kill myself tomorrow. But, then again, who would believe what I say since I have never done it. It's just all talk without any action. I know I don't have the courage and all, that is why nobody wants to believe me.

My parents were talking about how tired they were over my ED life, and all the time, they just hurled various hurting comments again and again. It is tiring hearing that from your "parents". They told me that it is all your ED talking and they just pointed fingers and fingers and start slapping me and start pulling me. They kicked me and threw/flunk the whole computer on my leg, I can swear my life on this. They didn't apologize.

But then again, I would rather they hit and beat me and all rather than scold me and put me down like someone that is so insignificant in their life. They can never understand how much I am struggling, really. IT'S EVERY FUCKING SECOND, MINUTE, HOUR OR MY LIFE. THE ED HAS NEVER LEFT MY MIND. BE IT R, B, P, SH, E AND ALL IT HAS NEVER FUCKING LEFT MY MIND AND I DOUBT IT WILL EVER LEAVE MY MIND.

Here is a interesting "conversation" with my sister.
S: You know what, just don't shout to your mother, seriously because she is your mother.
Me: Yeah, then what about you? Why can you shout at me when you are younger than me?
S: That is because you are wrong, you have been wrong for 3 years and we are sick and tired of your nonsense. It is an everyday battle to come home and be prepared to fend ourselves for your sudden tantrums or what not. All of us have a life and the only one who doesn't have a life, is you.
Me: Wow, thanks.
S: No, seriously. I  am saying the truth. Every moment of your life is so consumed by your ED sick thoughts like what to eat, what are others eating, what am I not allowed to eat, why must I be skinny, why am I so fat.
Me: - TOTAL LOSS FOR WORDS -

What she say is so true and so exact and so accurate but why do I continue doing it, despite me knowing the no-life-ness that I am leading. Someone, please advise me what am I supposed to do.
Should I give up in life or should I continue leading this losing battle?

Food Porn. Home cooked & Hawker Fare.

Some food pictures to entertain you guys!

Most of these are actually home cooked but I packed it in a styrofoam box so that I can bring it to work. But, some of them are bought from outside.

Take care to all my readers. Love you guys and stay strong in this recovery process. I am not telling you that it's easy but I am gonna tell you it's worth it. 

There are good and bad days!

Food porn

Just some of my food pictures :)
Feel free to comment and maybe leave some pictures too. :)

Values.

I don't know what's up with blogger nowadays but I can't upload pictures.

Ugh, really getting on my nerves. Does anyone there also suffering from the same thing. I need to upload pictures rather than just wordings and more boring posts by yours truly.

Anyway, how have you guys been? I think maybe today, I want to talk about the different values that we hold to ourselves. All of us have different values, I believe. I think it is really necessary for us to know what we want and therefore, such values shape our actions and really define who we really are.

I think one such exercise that is really useful to use is to list down the various values that you feel are important to you and ask yourself whenever the ED steps in, ask him/her whether they are able to let you accomplish such values to shape you to the beautiful person you wanna be.

Yeah, I just want to motivate all of us to tell you guys that recovery is possible and it's definitely worth it. Maybe because today is a good good day which explains my positive tone. But, be it positive or negative day, just keep pushing forward and it really is worth it.

Some local food delicacies that I have tried and would definitely try more of this :)

Post-Fight

Hi all,

Although there aren't really people reading this blog like everyday, I still want to make it a point to journal down my thoughts and stuff. Just to let myself be on track and know what I am doing.

Of course, as you can see that I am able to blog, that goes to show that I didn't really did what I planned, that is to run away of course. Hmm, after some persuasion, I realized that I might even be adding fuel to the oil when in actual fact I might not get admitted so why bother?

Another thing is of course, the fact that I don't know why but I felt really indebted to my parents and felt that what they did for me could never outweigh what the ED do for me (did it do anything productive/caring).
-In my mind-
Devil: I DID SO MUCH FOR YOU. I GAVE YOU THE CONTROL THAT YOU WANT, I GAVE YOU THE SKINNY LIFE THAT YOU WANT, I GAVE YOU THE (...) 

Me: Yeah, you give me nothing else but just bullshit and crap. Go rot in hell.

So, I guess that is all about it. If there is anything I can do to help, please email me at anorexicrecovery@gmail.com or you can also leave a comment on my blog!

Here's up some food photos, although it might not look appetizing. So, if there is anything that you want me to also share or talk about, feel free to comment!

Thanks buds, so here goes some food porn :)
Oops, blogger seems to not allow me to post my food porn. Till the next time then, will try to figure out what's wrong with this photo uploader.

Ciaos.

Fight.

It is gonna be a long rant about my father so if you don't want to read, its fine.

My sister didn't join us for our weekly family gatherings and went to have a social meeting with her schoolmates.
- In my mind- 
Devil: She must not be eating, she must be starving, she must be exercising. Its so unfair that she is
so skinny and she gets to starve and all but you are such a fat pig and you are still eating heaps and heaps.

So I decide to threaten my dad not to eat dinner if she doesn't show me a picture that she is eating. But in the end, I still succumbed to my idiotic hunger pangs and ate the weekly dinner. I don't know why the fuck my willpower is ending and diminishing and stuff. I just want that old willpower and strength to continue starving and working out.

-In my mind-
Devil: Why are you still eating? You are the fattest anorexic I have ever seen, I don't think I can even call you
an anorexic patient, you are the fucking fat anorexic. 

I came back and I told my dad that my sister didn't eat dinner and coincidentally, she was eating Hersheys' Chocolate and my mum told me to eat that and I said I would eat that if I didn't have dinner.
(Btw, she was munching on Fairprice chips when we were coming back)

-In my mind-
Devil: Never mind that, she is already eating so just drop the subject. But, wait, you still ate a lot so yeah you have to stand and burn all those away.  
(Pretends untying the knots of the charger of my laptop, while standing)

Parents just immediately grabbed me and pulled me to sit down and my dad began strangling me and whispering to my ears "You said you wanna go home right, arent you at home now? Are you happy? Happy to be in this situation?"

And, the fight began. They began pulling my hair, scratching my neck, strangling me, biting me, scratching my hands with their fingernails. Now, both my hands are red.
Sorry for the monotonous post here, but this is just for me to rant.

Food.

Hello all,

Please do pardon my rare posts. But I really appreciate all the people that take the effort to come down
to my blog to patronize this boring blog as well.

Thank you so much.

Anyway, I have been really adamant about recovering because I feel that this eating disorder is the only thing
that I have and if I really recover, I would not have anything to my name.
I feel that I don't know what else to look forward to everyday. Things seem less vibrant nowadays and I
feel that I have lost the interest in everything else, do you guys feel so too?

(Please comment if you have similar experiences)

Anyway, some food photos that I have to share.
;Really appreciate family dinners like this. I know its been really tough on my family to deal with this monster at home. So, I have been "performing" rather well during mealtimes with them, to appease my guilt that I feel for them as well.

Ciaos, would post frequently (Hope i dont bore you guys to tears)