HELP.

Hello strangers,

I know nobody really read my blog but this is just another avenue for me to rant.
Anyway, things have been sort of the same as the previous time that I have blogged except for the
fact that things have been super rocky with family relationships and all.

I don't know what is wrong but I think it stems from my parents expectations from me, my
ED comparison with my sister, my sister hatred towards my illness and me and the financial
status of my parents and family as a whole. I don't even know whether it is right to call it a family
because it doesn't even feels like one.

It's been a tough road everyday, battling the internal struggles whether to r/b/p/e. My life is usually
revolved around the first 3. It's tough telling myself to do what any typical teenager would do.
I don't even know what am I living for. I bet many of you feel the same way but when I feel this way,
the only avenue that I have to seek for comfort and reassurance is through FOOD.

Sigh, this is just more of a general blog post rather than it targeting towards anyone/anything.
But I do have something to add - if any readers happen to read this post to the end, please tell me
how to stop comparing. I have to stop this bad habit of mine because it's tearing my life and my family
life apart. It's tearing the relationship between me and my sister. It is already torn apart and not only am I not trying to mend things, but I seem to be adding oil to the fuel.

Genes shape your life.

Hello all readers,

I think something that really matter in our body shape is mainly due to genetics. For me, my mother has been on the obese side and my whole family belong to the pear shape kind where we are bottom-heavy.

That caused me to place extra caution with my thighs and I overly emphasized on my thighs too much, researching the certain food to eat so that my thighs would be sculpted and toned. Exercises to tone my thighs are also on my most commonly searches in my google device.

I didn't have a goal weight, but I just wanted my thighs to be slim that I can use my fingers to wrap around. I didn't have a goal weight. And thus, that got more complicated because I became too obsessed about the size of my thighs that I forget that other parts of my body are already shutting down and diminishing.

But, as I got my mind off my thighs, other parts of the body start sinking in. My waist, my arms, my collarbones, it was as though I had never-ending worries about my body parts and that is something really distracting and I could simply spend the whole day fantasizing about the ideal body shape and what I needed to do to get there. Similarly, I was really afraid of gaining weight and losing all the control.

Sometimes, I just feel like letting everything go and just being the old girl that I used to be but sometimes I feel that this eating disorder has already replaced my old, boring identity and I am not willing to give that up. It's really tough to separate my thoughts from the eating disorder thoughts nowadays. Not being able to get to my ideal weight (High/Low) would also get me frustrated.

I know such hospitalizations are going to be on my agenda as soon as my school resumes. I know that I would go back to the unhealthy methods and those extreme steps to get my weight in control and of course, my body shape to be in the "ideal" range of mine.

We shall see how things will go.

Post-Fight

Hi all,

Although there aren't really people reading this blog like everyday, I still want to make it a point to journal down my thoughts and stuff. Just to let myself be on track and know what I am doing.

Of course, as you can see that I am able to blog, that goes to show that I didn't really did what I planned, that is to run away of course. Hmm, after some persuasion, I realized that I might even be adding fuel to the oil when in actual fact I might not get admitted so why bother?

Another thing is of course, the fact that I don't know why but I felt really indebted to my parents and felt that what they did for me could never outweigh what the ED do for me (did it do anything productive/caring).
-In my mind-
Devil: I DID SO MUCH FOR YOU. I GAVE YOU THE CONTROL THAT YOU WANT, I GAVE YOU THE SKINNY LIFE THAT YOU WANT, I GAVE YOU THE (...) 

Me: Yeah, you give me nothing else but just bullshit and crap. Go rot in hell.

So, I guess that is all about it. If there is anything I can do to help, please email me at anorexicrecovery@gmail.com or you can also leave a comment on my blog!

Here's up some food photos, although it might not look appetizing. So, if there is anything that you want me to also share or talk about, feel free to comment!

Thanks buds, so here goes some food porn :)
Oops, blogger seems to not allow me to post my food porn. Till the next time then, will try to figure out what's wrong with this photo uploader.

Ciaos.

Fight.

It is gonna be a long rant about my father so if you don't want to read, its fine.

My sister didn't join us for our weekly family gatherings and went to have a social meeting with her schoolmates.
- In my mind- 
Devil: She must not be eating, she must be starving, she must be exercising. Its so unfair that she is
so skinny and she gets to starve and all but you are such a fat pig and you are still eating heaps and heaps.

So I decide to threaten my dad not to eat dinner if she doesn't show me a picture that she is eating. But in the end, I still succumbed to my idiotic hunger pangs and ate the weekly dinner. I don't know why the fuck my willpower is ending and diminishing and stuff. I just want that old willpower and strength to continue starving and working out.

-In my mind-
Devil: Why are you still eating? You are the fattest anorexic I have ever seen, I don't think I can even call you
an anorexic patient, you are the fucking fat anorexic. 

I came back and I told my dad that my sister didn't eat dinner and coincidentally, she was eating Hersheys' Chocolate and my mum told me to eat that and I said I would eat that if I didn't have dinner.
(Btw, she was munching on Fairprice chips when we were coming back)

-In my mind-
Devil: Never mind that, she is already eating so just drop the subject. But, wait, you still ate a lot so yeah you have to stand and burn all those away.  
(Pretends untying the knots of the charger of my laptop, while standing)

Parents just immediately grabbed me and pulled me to sit down and my dad began strangling me and whispering to my ears "You said you wanna go home right, arent you at home now? Are you happy? Happy to be in this situation?"

And, the fight began. They began pulling my hair, scratching my neck, strangling me, biting me, scratching my hands with their fingernails. Now, both my hands are red.
Sorry for the monotonous post here, but this is just for me to rant.