Please stop.

Please stop making my life miserable.
Please stop making me anxious around food.
Please stop making me upset over eating an extra mouthful.
Please stop making me feel guilty after every binge purge session.
Please stop making me resort to underhand means to get what I want to binge on.
Please stop making the binge episodes rule over my life.
Please stop making me addicted to this purging.
Please stop telling me that this will be the last time (because both you and I know that it will never be the last as much as we always say this is the last time).
Please stop telling me lies that with every purge, I am going to get skinnier and when I get skinnier, people will start loving me and I will start being popular.
Please stop feeding me lies that my worth is based on the number on the scale.
Please stop pushing people away from my social life.
Please stop this comparison with other people when I am not even done with my own self care.

Just stop, please.

RANT (Lengthy one)

I think everyone is getting sick and tired of me, even I am getting sick and tired of myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, I am up for two weeks break from the hectic school but somehow, i would rather that there be school. Weird, don't ya think?

Yeah, I feel weird that as a teenager I would want to go to school.
I don't think any normal teenager would even feel that fucking way not even for 1 second.

We had a huge fight today at home, and I vowed to E that I would freaking kill myself tomorrow. But, then again, who would believe what I say since I have never done it. It's just all talk without any action. I know I don't have the courage and all, that is why nobody wants to believe me.

My parents were talking about how tired they were over my ED life, and all the time, they just hurled various hurting comments again and again. It is tiring hearing that from your "parents". They told me that it is all your ED talking and they just pointed fingers and fingers and start slapping me and start pulling me. They kicked me and threw/flunk the whole computer on my leg, I can swear my life on this. They didn't apologize.

But then again, I would rather they hit and beat me and all rather than scold me and put me down like someone that is so insignificant in their life. They can never understand how much I am struggling, really. IT'S EVERY FUCKING SECOND, MINUTE, HOUR OR MY LIFE. THE ED HAS NEVER LEFT MY MIND. BE IT R, B, P, SH, E AND ALL IT HAS NEVER FUCKING LEFT MY MIND AND I DOUBT IT WILL EVER LEAVE MY MIND.

Here is a interesting "conversation" with my sister.
S: You know what, just don't shout to your mother, seriously because she is your mother.
Me: Yeah, then what about you? Why can you shout at me when you are younger than me?
S: That is because you are wrong, you have been wrong for 3 years and we are sick and tired of your nonsense. It is an everyday battle to come home and be prepared to fend ourselves for your sudden tantrums or what not. All of us have a life and the only one who doesn't have a life, is you.
Me: Wow, thanks.
S: No, seriously. I  am saying the truth. Every moment of your life is so consumed by your ED sick thoughts like what to eat, what are others eating, what am I not allowed to eat, why must I be skinny, why am I so fat.
Me: - TOTAL LOSS FOR WORDS -

What she say is so true and so exact and so accurate but why do I continue doing it, despite me knowing the no-life-ness that I am leading. Someone, please advise me what am I supposed to do.
Should I give up in life or should I continue leading this losing battle?

My dear friend tumblr again.

ED ruins your life.

When you get an eating disorder, you might think that you have total control over your life but, you are so wrong. ED takes over that control, and your life becomes this whole stupid cycle obsessed over food, weight and shape. Your social life, friends, family members, studies, fun are all taken away. You spend every single day thinking about food, calories and numbers.. Even when you are skinny, you will be too ashamed to show it to the world. People will not comment about how “good” you look but instead, how sick and gaunt you look, as if death would come collect you soon. You will then become so annoyed and confused. You will not be able to wear clothes that “shows off” your figure in fear the public will judge you. Probably, not only because you think you are too fat for their eyes but also part of you knows, people are judging you for being too unhealthy and gaunt looking. AND also that you ARE too thin. You won’t be able to fit into your favourite clothes. Clothes will only be hanging loosely off you, saggy and ugly. You will start needing stuff just to hold those clothes up. Dresses start looking baggy and too big (even when they are already the smallest size). Shorts or jeans becomes too loose. You start to lose the shape of your breast and your ass. Your curves starts disappearing. Your body that should be developing into a appealing curvy attractive figure gets stucked with the kiddy looking body. A stick, unappealing figure. Probably you can even be compared with a stick insect. Bones that juts out stick uncomfortably out. You can’t sit down on the floor or any hard surfaces comfortably. Even placing you elbow on your table hurts. Bruises start appearing everywhere and you gotta start wearing long sleeves or pants to hide them. You will start having no energy to do anything. You become yellow and pale looking. You cannot sleep well, and easy chores become hard. Baking? If it once was what you liked doing, becomes your fear. You beautiful long/short luscious hair starts falling out and it becomes so dry and frizzy like a broomstick. Relationships doesn’t matter anymore. You start losing interest with the opposite sex, which is so ironic. When in the first place you may be losing weight so that you can attract the opposite sex, longing for love and a relationship. You start rejecting dates or outings with friends because of the fear of FOOD. Or the matter about not having anything to wear since everything in your closet is just too huge or too small (ED thinking). You can’t even go to the beach for fear of wearing clothes that will “expose” you. You can’t go for physical ones because you have no energy to. You don’t dare to go to movies with them cause you cannot sit still or worse, stop thinking about food when just nearby you everywhere, there’s bags of popcorns, nachos and soda. You lose social life and soon, even your friends. Isolation is too common with an eating disorder. All you want to do is stay at home and avoid everything. You family starts to see those changes in you and realise your weird habits. They start putting pressure for you to change, thinking that your problem is nothing like an addiction and can be changed overnight. You fear a life without ED, you fear that once you get well, there will be too much time, an overabundance of it. You got too used to the old lifestyle and you abhor change. You cannot get rid of those chains you restrained on yourself.
Now, do you still want such a lifestyle? One that is so fucking shitty? Being skinny won’t solve a thing. Its just going to bring you even more trouble and frustrations. Accept yourself for who your are, accept yourself for whatever shape and size or weight you are. People like you based on your inner personality, not on your looks or size. Put yourself in their shoes! Do you judge others on their looks? Or their personality.

Why I want to cling onto the ED

Do you know why sometimes (most of the times) I want to cling onto the ED?

It is because I read that people with ED have strong determination, because they can set themselves to starve, purge, exercise, binge compulsively with a strict routine. They are very determined to lose the weight and nothing gets in their way. So that's why I think that if I give up on my eating disorder, people might think that I am someone without any determination, without any strength and without any willpower. Because I have given up the determination to continue losing weight.

Somehow, the ED determines how determined, how strong I am. I don't want others to see me as weak. I want them to see how strong I am, although in actual fact, I am crumbling deep within. This is something that needs to be changed because I oftentimes reject love whenever it's showered on me.

"We only accept the love we think we deserve."

I feel that I deserve the minimum love because I am not worth it because I am a big, fat, useless, worthless, enormous, stupid, rude, unkind, uncompassionate person.

Anyway, today someone told me something "I think you should lose some weight, you look really FAT since the last time I saw you."

WOW, this is the "best compliment" I received.

Suicide.

For my dad, so that he doesn't have to deal with such a troublesome daughter.

For my mom, so that she doesn't have to come home to a troubled house and one filled with quarrels.

For my sister, so that she has all the attention from my parents and having a happy family.

For my grandmother, so that she would be proud of showing her relatives the whole family picture without having to feel awkward explaining to them about my illness.

For my friends, (oh wait I don't have any)

For my relatives, so that they wouldn't have to deal with the fat whale on the table and don't have to be afraid that be dishes aren't enough cos I won't be there to eat them.

For food, so that they wouldn't be wasted on a fat pig like me.

For my teachers, so that they wouldn't have to go to the trouble to deal with sch a troublesome student and having to alter the timetable to suit my doctor appointments.

For my classmates, so that they wouldn't have a sick and problematic school mate . And they wouldn't have to go through the trouble to help me take my homework and notes.

For my toilet bowl, so that they would t have to intake my purging.

For my palate so that they won't have to deal with overflowing food for a big whale anorexic.

Food Porn. Home cooked & Hawker Fare.

Some food pictures to entertain you guys!

Most of these are actually home cooked but I packed it in a styrofoam box so that I can bring it to work. But, some of them are bought from outside.

Take care to all my readers. Love you guys and stay strong in this recovery process. I am not telling you that it's easy but I am gonna tell you it's worth it. 

There are good and bad days!

PERFECTIONISTIC

I haven't really posted in a while. Maybe, just something for you guys to take a break away from me.

Today, I decide to talk about family and how it has been affecting my family and in all ED patients. I realized that most ED patients are often characterized to be someone who used to be very obedient, independent and filial. But, after the ED overcame them, they have took a turn for the worse and all that they do is fight, quarrel and arguing with their family. The family is also shocked and astonished to how the ED can overwhelm and dominate the entire family.

ED patients are often characterized as perfectionistic and they want everything to go in their way. They are very rigid but they definitely don't have any ill intentions or what not. People haven't realized that they are purely innocent, and sometimes what they want is just some attention, love, care and concern. But, sometimes, family members also fail to see them as the real them rather than the ED self. They just know that "Oh, she is sick so whatever she says doesn't make sense" That can be rather daunting for the patient because they would feel so inferior and so looked down upon which would further decrease their self esteem. In fact, such comments only have negative consequences.

I know that most of us have always been seen as the perfect child and someone who wouldn't make their parents worry. But, I think sometimes we are too tired being the goody-goody child and being neglected due to the fact that parents think we are mature enough.

Maybe we just lack the attention, the unconditional love, the showering concern and most importantly, confidence. We feel that whatever we do is imperfect and we HAVE, NEED to change them to satisfy or please others.

But, ultimately, we aren't doing what we want to do. We are simply living the lives of others.

Mindfulness.

Hello all,

Today I want to talk about mindfulness. Just happened to find it really interesting and I find it particularly tough for people with eating disorders. Most of us are often too starved/obsessed with food to the point that we disregard everything else and we become somewhat un-mindful about our surroundings and what's happening around.

What is mindfulness, you might ask.

It is actually staying in the present moment and just be aware of your surroundings and actions.

I know its easier said than done. Staying in the present moment and really feeling what you should and not avoiding the negativities, that's really a tough task to do. But, nonetheless, if we set our mind to it, I am sure any of us are able to do that too.

Due to the fact that we are malnourished and obsessed about our weight, appearance, food, calories, etc, we become too preoccupied with the fact that we ignore and neglect other more important things around us. Sometimes, what it takes is just realization.

We have to realize what we are genuinely missing out. We have to realize what other people are lacking of. We have to realize how fortunate we are, and not harping on things that we don't have. We have to realize that there are stronger people out there fighting tougher battles and yet not giving up, so who are we to give up? We have to realize that everything happens for a reason. We have to realize that sometimes, tough times are meant for tough and strong people to handle, so we shouldn't succumb to such setbacks and define yourself based on one off incident. We have to realize that there are so many things out there, waiting for us to explore. We have to realize how inhumane the eating disorder has evolved us into, and quickly take a step back to correct our mistakes.

I guess, that is about it. If there is anything you would like to share about mindfulness, feel free to leave a comment.

This is a short video that teaches you how to slowly relax your mind and let your thoughts distant away from you. You have to realize that such practice might come tough at the first try, but it would improve overtime. :)

Triggers.

Hello all,

I think something that I would like to talk about is triggers and that I know that with the Eating Disorder,
many of us tend to face triggers outside. Be it friends, family, or even strangers that we see walking on
the street.

I don't know for you guys but for me, I really find it very triggering if someone is really skinny AND also restrict their intake and often obsess about food or other people food. Although I know that that is what I do as well, I just feel that this is my identity and that no one should snatch this part of me.

Maybe some things to share with you, some personal feelings.
Have you ever asked yourself, why would you get triggered when normal people don't get triggered by the skinny people but rather get turned off by them?

That is because we are all sick and that we want to be like the skinny ones, so we are in a sense "jealous" of them being so sick and that we continue harping on the fact that we are fatter, heavier, bigger than them.

But, this is something that I feel reassuring if you want to cope with triggers. Just ask yourself, "How long can they sustain this? And even if they become skinny, are they truly happy?"

I guess, thats the main goal of my topic today. If there is any triggers that you find around you, please feel free to comment on this post and we will discuss them one by one.
I just want all of you to know that you are be-YOU-tiful the way you are, stay strong guys! :)

Post-Fight

Hi all,

Although there aren't really people reading this blog like everyday, I still want to make it a point to journal down my thoughts and stuff. Just to let myself be on track and know what I am doing.

Of course, as you can see that I am able to blog, that goes to show that I didn't really did what I planned, that is to run away of course. Hmm, after some persuasion, I realized that I might even be adding fuel to the oil when in actual fact I might not get admitted so why bother?

Another thing is of course, the fact that I don't know why but I felt really indebted to my parents and felt that what they did for me could never outweigh what the ED do for me (did it do anything productive/caring).
-In my mind-
Devil: I DID SO MUCH FOR YOU. I GAVE YOU THE CONTROL THAT YOU WANT, I GAVE YOU THE SKINNY LIFE THAT YOU WANT, I GAVE YOU THE (...) 

Me: Yeah, you give me nothing else but just bullshit and crap. Go rot in hell.

So, I guess that is all about it. If there is anything I can do to help, please email me at anorexicrecovery@gmail.com or you can also leave a comment on my blog!

Here's up some food photos, although it might not look appetizing. So, if there is anything that you want me to also share or talk about, feel free to comment!

Thanks buds, so here goes some food porn :)
Oops, blogger seems to not allow me to post my food porn. Till the next time then, will try to figure out what's wrong with this photo uploader.

Ciaos.

Fight.

It is gonna be a long rant about my father so if you don't want to read, its fine.

My sister didn't join us for our weekly family gatherings and went to have a social meeting with her schoolmates.
- In my mind- 
Devil: She must not be eating, she must be starving, she must be exercising. Its so unfair that she is
so skinny and she gets to starve and all but you are such a fat pig and you are still eating heaps and heaps.

So I decide to threaten my dad not to eat dinner if she doesn't show me a picture that she is eating. But in the end, I still succumbed to my idiotic hunger pangs and ate the weekly dinner. I don't know why the fuck my willpower is ending and diminishing and stuff. I just want that old willpower and strength to continue starving and working out.

-In my mind-
Devil: Why are you still eating? You are the fattest anorexic I have ever seen, I don't think I can even call you
an anorexic patient, you are the fucking fat anorexic. 

I came back and I told my dad that my sister didn't eat dinner and coincidentally, she was eating Hersheys' Chocolate and my mum told me to eat that and I said I would eat that if I didn't have dinner.
(Btw, she was munching on Fairprice chips when we were coming back)

-In my mind-
Devil: Never mind that, she is already eating so just drop the subject. But, wait, you still ate a lot so yeah you have to stand and burn all those away.  
(Pretends untying the knots of the charger of my laptop, while standing)

Parents just immediately grabbed me and pulled me to sit down and my dad began strangling me and whispering to my ears "You said you wanna go home right, arent you at home now? Are you happy? Happy to be in this situation?"

And, the fight began. They began pulling my hair, scratching my neck, strangling me, biting me, scratching my hands with their fingernails. Now, both my hands are red.
Sorry for the monotonous post here, but this is just for me to rant.

Food.

Hello all,

Please do pardon my rare posts. But I really appreciate all the people that take the effort to come down
to my blog to patronize this boring blog as well.

Thank you so much.

Anyway, I have been really adamant about recovering because I feel that this eating disorder is the only thing
that I have and if I really recover, I would not have anything to my name.
I feel that I don't know what else to look forward to everyday. Things seem less vibrant nowadays and I
feel that I have lost the interest in everything else, do you guys feel so too?

(Please comment if you have similar experiences)

Anyway, some food photos that I have to share.
;Really appreciate family dinners like this. I know its been really tough on my family to deal with this monster at home. So, I have been "performing" rather well during mealtimes with them, to appease my guilt that I feel for them as well.

Ciaos, would post frequently (Hope i dont bore you guys to tears)