Random Post

Guess trying to beat and defeat something that is so magically insane right up your mind is just so taxing, be it physically or mentally.

"You shouldn't be the one fighting this alone, we are all in this together"

- This is just some kind of bull shit that I just want to shove it into their face. Because they havent been there and they think its some easy feat to just pull off recovery as if we want to remain sick (okay maybe thats what I want).

But up till now I still don't know what are the reasons to continue being sick.
1. Maybe its for attention.
2. Maybe I genuinely love being skinny.
3. Maybe I love feeling cold all the time.
4. Maybe I just don't want to grow up. (without menses, you aren't a full complete woman just as what they say and they make it sound like women are considered blood producing mammals of the world)
5. Maybe I just want to skip school.
6. Maybe I just want to avoid reality and rather shove it down under the carpet and never to face it ever again.

Yeah, this is just something that I have come up with, in an impromptu situation like right now but if you guys have any more ideas or any more reasons as to why someone with ED would want to continue being sick, comment below and I would include them.

Just want to let all of you know that you guys arent alone in this and I will always battle this with you guys. We might know each other personally but trust me, I have been through the toughest phases of recovery and it hasnt been a single bit smooth sailing but things get better,

Trust me, for once, at least that I am not lying over the fact that the rainbow has to come only after the storm and furthermore, this is scientifically proven.

Maybe whenever I have the time I would then choose to post more food porn pictures of my bp sessions, sigh but I dont take picture of my purge unlike some others who like to take photo of their purge, i just find it so weird.

Where has that person went to?

I have always been the good girl in the family, where has that girl went to?

Can somebody find that person again? Please I beg you.

Now I can finally understand why someone would want to return to where they have begun and never stepped into this shit eating disorder because its such an unhealthy obsession and addiction and you really never understand how much shit this would be unless you are in this shit.

I can never find anyone who would tolerate and continue talking to me because everyone gets sick of my lies, my stories, my pathetic sympathetic cries for help. 

Everybody just blames it on me and only me. 

Is that person really me? Or is that the illness?

And if it really is the illness, can I ask it to simply fuck off my life?

Update, nothing much.

It has definitely been a while since I posted. I have always been dragging posts after posts.

Typing them and end up deleting them for fear that they get judged but well again, nobody really reads it anyway. I don't really know why am I caring so much.

Okay, so lets update myself about how have things been?
Hmm, say its been pretty much the same or much worse and much more screwed up. It hasnt been a easy road going to school acting like nothing is wrong with me when the whirlpool of thoughts at the back of my mind is traumatizing and annoying. It has been difficult to hide everything and when I dont have anyone to speak to, who do I turn to?

FOOD. Yes, you are fucking right.

The only thing that I can control.
It can ruin my entire day or it could just brighten my entire day.

Fuck this shit.
I wish I could get out of this cycle.

XT, I feel you and I would give a million dollars to have your courage.

HELP.

Hello strangers,

I know nobody really read my blog but this is just another avenue for me to rant.
Anyway, things have been sort of the same as the previous time that I have blogged except for the
fact that things have been super rocky with family relationships and all.

I don't know what is wrong but I think it stems from my parents expectations from me, my
ED comparison with my sister, my sister hatred towards my illness and me and the financial
status of my parents and family as a whole. I don't even know whether it is right to call it a family
because it doesn't even feels like one.

It's been a tough road everyday, battling the internal struggles whether to r/b/p/e. My life is usually
revolved around the first 3. It's tough telling myself to do what any typical teenager would do.
I don't even know what am I living for. I bet many of you feel the same way but when I feel this way,
the only avenue that I have to seek for comfort and reassurance is through FOOD.

Sigh, this is just more of a general blog post rather than it targeting towards anyone/anything.
But I do have something to add - if any readers happen to read this post to the end, please tell me
how to stop comparing. I have to stop this bad habit of mine because it's tearing my life and my family
life apart. It's tearing the relationship between me and my sister. It is already torn apart and not only am I not trying to mend things, but I seem to be adding oil to the fuel.

Quotes

"I am very scared to get close to anyone because everyone that says "I will be here for you" left"

- For me, it's different because nobody even wants to get close to me.

For me, there is nothing left to hang in for or nobody to be there for me.

"We can blame it on a lot of things, or we can just admit that we are shit people"

"Be the change you want to see in the world." And that means that I have to leave and there is nothing wrong about it. I don't need any positive words because I know that all are just plastic words.

Quoted

Quoted from my dear friend tumblr
"Forever alone

Fuck this. I know im ugly. I know im not pretty. I know I wont ever get anybody. Everybody around me is pretty, petite, tall, slim.. attached. And me? Ugly. Just UGLY. No wonder I never could have a relationship. Haha. Hey ED, come lets party :)"

Says exactly how I feel.

PERFECTIONISTIC

I haven't really posted in a while. Maybe, just something for you guys to take a break away from me.

Today, I decide to talk about family and how it has been affecting my family and in all ED patients. I realized that most ED patients are often characterized to be someone who used to be very obedient, independent and filial. But, after the ED overcame them, they have took a turn for the worse and all that they do is fight, quarrel and arguing with their family. The family is also shocked and astonished to how the ED can overwhelm and dominate the entire family.

ED patients are often characterized as perfectionistic and they want everything to go in their way. They are very rigid but they definitely don't have any ill intentions or what not. People haven't realized that they are purely innocent, and sometimes what they want is just some attention, love, care and concern. But, sometimes, family members also fail to see them as the real them rather than the ED self. They just know that "Oh, she is sick so whatever she says doesn't make sense" That can be rather daunting for the patient because they would feel so inferior and so looked down upon which would further decrease their self esteem. In fact, such comments only have negative consequences.

I know that most of us have always been seen as the perfect child and someone who wouldn't make their parents worry. But, I think sometimes we are too tired being the goody-goody child and being neglected due to the fact that parents think we are mature enough.

Maybe we just lack the attention, the unconditional love, the showering concern and most importantly, confidence. We feel that whatever we do is imperfect and we HAVE, NEED to change them to satisfy or please others.

But, ultimately, we aren't doing what we want to do. We are simply living the lives of others.

Emotions overwhelm me.

I think sometimes when we feel a certain way, we act based on our feelings and subconsciously it might be the wrong thing to do. But that's because we are humans and we are supposed to feel.

That can either be a good or bad thing. Sometimes when we are so sick, we think that we wanna seek help. But when we seek help and start recovering, we start regretting and start blaming and start the whole self-reproach thing?

Sometimes I feel like treatment is something that we act on based on positive and optimistic feelings that we will recover. And I know most of the times, when we feel down and demoralised we tend to want to fall back into the hole of the eating disorder and fall into relapse?

This are just some of my thoughts and I find it kind of helpful to talk about it

Triggers.

Hello all,

I think something that I would like to talk about is triggers and that I know that with the Eating Disorder,
many of us tend to face triggers outside. Be it friends, family, or even strangers that we see walking on
the street.

I don't know for you guys but for me, I really find it very triggering if someone is really skinny AND also restrict their intake and often obsess about food or other people food. Although I know that that is what I do as well, I just feel that this is my identity and that no one should snatch this part of me.

Maybe some things to share with you, some personal feelings.
Have you ever asked yourself, why would you get triggered when normal people don't get triggered by the skinny people but rather get turned off by them?

That is because we are all sick and that we want to be like the skinny ones, so we are in a sense "jealous" of them being so sick and that we continue harping on the fact that we are fatter, heavier, bigger than them.

But, this is something that I feel reassuring if you want to cope with triggers. Just ask yourself, "How long can they sustain this? And even if they become skinny, are they truly happy?"

I guess, thats the main goal of my topic today. If there is any triggers that you find around you, please feel free to comment on this post and we will discuss them one by one.
I just want all of you to know that you are be-YOU-tiful the way you are, stay strong guys! :)