PERFECTIONISTIC

I haven't really posted in a while. Maybe, just something for you guys to take a break away from me.

Today, I decide to talk about family and how it has been affecting my family and in all ED patients. I realized that most ED patients are often characterized to be someone who used to be very obedient, independent and filial. But, after the ED overcame them, they have took a turn for the worse and all that they do is fight, quarrel and arguing with their family. The family is also shocked and astonished to how the ED can overwhelm and dominate the entire family.

ED patients are often characterized as perfectionistic and they want everything to go in their way. They are very rigid but they definitely don't have any ill intentions or what not. People haven't realized that they are purely innocent, and sometimes what they want is just some attention, love, care and concern. But, sometimes, family members also fail to see them as the real them rather than the ED self. They just know that "Oh, she is sick so whatever she says doesn't make sense" That can be rather daunting for the patient because they would feel so inferior and so looked down upon which would further decrease their self esteem. In fact, such comments only have negative consequences.

I know that most of us have always been seen as the perfect child and someone who wouldn't make their parents worry. But, I think sometimes we are too tired being the goody-goody child and being neglected due to the fact that parents think we are mature enough.

Maybe we just lack the attention, the unconditional love, the showering concern and most importantly, confidence. We feel that whatever we do is imperfect and we HAVE, NEED to change them to satisfy or please others.

But, ultimately, we aren't doing what we want to do. We are simply living the lives of others.

Post-Fight

Hi all,

Although there aren't really people reading this blog like everyday, I still want to make it a point to journal down my thoughts and stuff. Just to let myself be on track and know what I am doing.

Of course, as you can see that I am able to blog, that goes to show that I didn't really did what I planned, that is to run away of course. Hmm, after some persuasion, I realized that I might even be adding fuel to the oil when in actual fact I might not get admitted so why bother?

Another thing is of course, the fact that I don't know why but I felt really indebted to my parents and felt that what they did for me could never outweigh what the ED do for me (did it do anything productive/caring).
-In my mind-
Devil: I DID SO MUCH FOR YOU. I GAVE YOU THE CONTROL THAT YOU WANT, I GAVE YOU THE SKINNY LIFE THAT YOU WANT, I GAVE YOU THE (...) 

Me: Yeah, you give me nothing else but just bullshit and crap. Go rot in hell.

So, I guess that is all about it. If there is anything I can do to help, please email me at anorexicrecovery@gmail.com or you can also leave a comment on my blog!

Here's up some food photos, although it might not look appetizing. So, if there is anything that you want me to also share or talk about, feel free to comment!

Thanks buds, so here goes some food porn :)
Oops, blogger seems to not allow me to post my food porn. Till the next time then, will try to figure out what's wrong with this photo uploader.

Ciaos.

Fight.

It is gonna be a long rant about my father so if you don't want to read, its fine.

My sister didn't join us for our weekly family gatherings and went to have a social meeting with her schoolmates.
- In my mind- 
Devil: She must not be eating, she must be starving, she must be exercising. Its so unfair that she is
so skinny and she gets to starve and all but you are such a fat pig and you are still eating heaps and heaps.

So I decide to threaten my dad not to eat dinner if she doesn't show me a picture that she is eating. But in the end, I still succumbed to my idiotic hunger pangs and ate the weekly dinner. I don't know why the fuck my willpower is ending and diminishing and stuff. I just want that old willpower and strength to continue starving and working out.

-In my mind-
Devil: Why are you still eating? You are the fattest anorexic I have ever seen, I don't think I can even call you
an anorexic patient, you are the fucking fat anorexic. 

I came back and I told my dad that my sister didn't eat dinner and coincidentally, she was eating Hersheys' Chocolate and my mum told me to eat that and I said I would eat that if I didn't have dinner.
(Btw, she was munching on Fairprice chips when we were coming back)

-In my mind-
Devil: Never mind that, she is already eating so just drop the subject. But, wait, you still ate a lot so yeah you have to stand and burn all those away.  
(Pretends untying the knots of the charger of my laptop, while standing)

Parents just immediately grabbed me and pulled me to sit down and my dad began strangling me and whispering to my ears "You said you wanna go home right, arent you at home now? Are you happy? Happy to be in this situation?"

And, the fight began. They began pulling my hair, scratching my neck, strangling me, biting me, scratching my hands with their fingernails. Now, both my hands are red.
Sorry for the monotonous post here, but this is just for me to rant.