Random Post

Guess trying to beat and defeat something that is so magically insane right up your mind is just so taxing, be it physically or mentally.

"You shouldn't be the one fighting this alone, we are all in this together"

- This is just some kind of bull shit that I just want to shove it into their face. Because they havent been there and they think its some easy feat to just pull off recovery as if we want to remain sick (okay maybe thats what I want).

But up till now I still don't know what are the reasons to continue being sick.
1. Maybe its for attention.
2. Maybe I genuinely love being skinny.
3. Maybe I love feeling cold all the time.
4. Maybe I just don't want to grow up. (without menses, you aren't a full complete woman just as what they say and they make it sound like women are considered blood producing mammals of the world)
5. Maybe I just want to skip school.
6. Maybe I just want to avoid reality and rather shove it down under the carpet and never to face it ever again.

Yeah, this is just something that I have come up with, in an impromptu situation like right now but if you guys have any more ideas or any more reasons as to why someone with ED would want to continue being sick, comment below and I would include them.

Just want to let all of you know that you guys arent alone in this and I will always battle this with you guys. We might know each other personally but trust me, I have been through the toughest phases of recovery and it hasnt been a single bit smooth sailing but things get better,

Trust me, for once, at least that I am not lying over the fact that the rainbow has to come only after the storm and furthermore, this is scientifically proven.

Maybe whenever I have the time I would then choose to post more food porn pictures of my bp sessions, sigh but I dont take picture of my purge unlike some others who like to take photo of their purge, i just find it so weird.

Where has that person went to?

I have always been the good girl in the family, where has that girl went to?

Can somebody find that person again? Please I beg you.

Now I can finally understand why someone would want to return to where they have begun and never stepped into this shit eating disorder because its such an unhealthy obsession and addiction and you really never understand how much shit this would be unless you are in this shit.

I can never find anyone who would tolerate and continue talking to me because everyone gets sick of my lies, my stories, my pathetic sympathetic cries for help. 

Everybody just blames it on me and only me. 

Is that person really me? Or is that the illness?

And if it really is the illness, can I ask it to simply fuck off my life?

Rant.

I don't really know who reads my blog but oh well, thanks for making me feel a tiny weeny bit better everyday I see that the page views increase because that means that there are people reading this worthless place that I usually rant. Thank you guys <3

Okay, back to the real topic, I am feeling like shit because I feel so alone.

It's not just alone, it is being alone in a crowded room. That kind of feeling where you see everyone
around you just together and you are the only one being left out, being ostracized to one corner,
where everyone of different walks of life could just click with each other, but just leaving you the only
socially awkward one there as if you are transparent.

That is how I feel every moment, its as if people don't want to include me in everything and that my presence doesn't matter at all. I don't even know why I exist and why I choose to live on.

It is not only difficult to handle the life in Singapore as a student. But adding to all these challenges, are the challenges that the ED post to my life and the DEPRESSION monster, its just making things a million times
worse than it used to be.

Sorry this is such a mundane post but I just wanted to rant, maybe its because of the lack of friends which explain why I don't have anyone to rant to. Its just me and .... me.

Photos can really tell a million words. I just feel that I have to take photo of it lest the moment becomes just gone that way, and I am so afraid that one day I might suffer from dementia. I can feel that now, like I constantly forget about many things and when I say many things, I really mean many things. 

Last but not least, to everyone out there reading this worthless and stupid blog
(but you guys are still awesome alright?), 

THIS PICTURE IS FOR YOU GUYS

A little food only la

Quite shocked that people read my blog but I should really start posting more food pictures.



Some kind of pan fried radish cake, you can fry it on your own too.

Quite fun frying them though!



Another hawker food that I like: Otah!

It is basically fish meat (processed) but nonetheless, delicious.
Sometimes, it can get too spicy but I still like it. You can choose to eat it plain or with bread, it tastes good either way!! Down it with a cup of milo beng (ICE MILO) and there you go, Singapore Unique Taste!



Another pumpkin bread that my children's mother made. She is indeed a baker and a cook.

HAHAH, IF I LIVE WITH HER, I WILL BECOME FATTYBOMBBOMB! LOL

Holiday mood.

I saw that my stats are increasing, yay!

That means more people are reading my boring life, muhahahahhah dk why too.

Yeah, but anyway, it's been pretty bored.

Today, my therapist referred my relationship with the ED akin to a relationship of a wife with an abusive husband. I find that so true. Come to think of it, the ED abuses us but we still continue sticking to it. Don't you find it strange? Normal human beings tend to want to get well but this ED doesn't want us to get well, get that irony of this illness?

It just kind of daunt upon me how scary this ED hides itself.

Now see, the ED makes you feel that he/she/it is the only one there for you when everyone leaves you in the lurch but have you ever dig deep down to find out the root cause of why are people leaving your life/there are lesser people in your social circle?

YES, ITS BECAUSE OF THE ED.
IT HAS TOO MANY RULES THAT DOESNT CONFORM WITH THE NORM AND THAT IS WHAT MAKES YOU ABNORMAL AND THUS, UNABLE TO FIT IN WITH THE CROWD.

THERE ARE MANY THINGS THAT WE DO THAT WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY ARE WE DOING BUT WE CONTINUE DOING, BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE COMMANDS OF THE ED.

The ED causes the trouble and then, becomes very smart and secretive to come back in to act as the "HERO" to save you from solitude/feeling lonely.
It is smart, manipulative, secretive, malicious, greedy and everything else that you can describe someone who has just done an illegal act.

These are just some of the stuff and thoughts that have been in my mind today, it's been tough battling this internal struggle but trust me, it takes practice. The voice would tame down, one day. Just one day, wait till you see me beat you off the ass.

HELP.

Hello strangers,

I know nobody really read my blog but this is just another avenue for me to rant.
Anyway, things have been sort of the same as the previous time that I have blogged except for the
fact that things have been super rocky with family relationships and all.

I don't know what is wrong but I think it stems from my parents expectations from me, my
ED comparison with my sister, my sister hatred towards my illness and me and the financial
status of my parents and family as a whole. I don't even know whether it is right to call it a family
because it doesn't even feels like one.

It's been a tough road everyday, battling the internal struggles whether to r/b/p/e. My life is usually
revolved around the first 3. It's tough telling myself to do what any typical teenager would do.
I don't even know what am I living for. I bet many of you feel the same way but when I feel this way,
the only avenue that I have to seek for comfort and reassurance is through FOOD.

Sigh, this is just more of a general blog post rather than it targeting towards anyone/anything.
But I do have something to add - if any readers happen to read this post to the end, please tell me
how to stop comparing. I have to stop this bad habit of mine because it's tearing my life and my family
life apart. It's tearing the relationship between me and my sister. It is already torn apart and not only am I not trying to mend things, but I seem to be adding oil to the fuel.

Hiatus.

I haven't blogged for a long time, sigh. It's as if my life has ce to a standstill where the same cycle repeats itself everyday. Like I will BP and then BP and then BP, it's really scary. The amounts I eat, the money I spend, the money I waste, the time I waste, the other sacrifices of homework .. 

It's scary as fuck, trust me. 

I haven't been able to open up to anyone  except E. she is the only one there for me. I shall dedicate a post to her later. Anyway, the friendship haven't been a smooth one like all other things in my life. Anyway I doubt anyone reads my blog so yeah. Just some updates with some food porn! Messy and all, cos this was some binges. 

RANT (Lengthy one)

I think everyone is getting sick and tired of me, even I am getting sick and tired of myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, I am up for two weeks break from the hectic school but somehow, i would rather that there be school. Weird, don't ya think?

Yeah, I feel weird that as a teenager I would want to go to school.
I don't think any normal teenager would even feel that fucking way not even for 1 second.

We had a huge fight today at home, and I vowed to E that I would freaking kill myself tomorrow. But, then again, who would believe what I say since I have never done it. It's just all talk without any action. I know I don't have the courage and all, that is why nobody wants to believe me.

My parents were talking about how tired they were over my ED life, and all the time, they just hurled various hurting comments again and again. It is tiring hearing that from your "parents". They told me that it is all your ED talking and they just pointed fingers and fingers and start slapping me and start pulling me. They kicked me and threw/flunk the whole computer on my leg, I can swear my life on this. They didn't apologize.

But then again, I would rather they hit and beat me and all rather than scold me and put me down like someone that is so insignificant in their life. They can never understand how much I am struggling, really. IT'S EVERY FUCKING SECOND, MINUTE, HOUR OR MY LIFE. THE ED HAS NEVER LEFT MY MIND. BE IT R, B, P, SH, E AND ALL IT HAS NEVER FUCKING LEFT MY MIND AND I DOUBT IT WILL EVER LEAVE MY MIND.

Here is a interesting "conversation" with my sister.
S: You know what, just don't shout to your mother, seriously because she is your mother.
Me: Yeah, then what about you? Why can you shout at me when you are younger than me?
S: That is because you are wrong, you have been wrong for 3 years and we are sick and tired of your nonsense. It is an everyday battle to come home and be prepared to fend ourselves for your sudden tantrums or what not. All of us have a life and the only one who doesn't have a life, is you.
Me: Wow, thanks.
S: No, seriously. I  am saying the truth. Every moment of your life is so consumed by your ED sick thoughts like what to eat, what are others eating, what am I not allowed to eat, why must I be skinny, why am I so fat.
Me: - TOTAL LOSS FOR WORDS -

What she say is so true and so exact and so accurate but why do I continue doing it, despite me knowing the no-life-ness that I am leading. Someone, please advise me what am I supposed to do.
Should I give up in life or should I continue leading this losing battle?