RANT (Lengthy one)

I think everyone is getting sick and tired of me, even I am getting sick and tired of myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, I am up for two weeks break from the hectic school but somehow, i would rather that there be school. Weird, don't ya think?

Yeah, I feel weird that as a teenager I would want to go to school.
I don't think any normal teenager would even feel that fucking way not even for 1 second.

We had a huge fight today at home, and I vowed to E that I would freaking kill myself tomorrow. But, then again, who would believe what I say since I have never done it. It's just all talk without any action. I know I don't have the courage and all, that is why nobody wants to believe me.

My parents were talking about how tired they were over my ED life, and all the time, they just hurled various hurting comments again and again. It is tiring hearing that from your "parents". They told me that it is all your ED talking and they just pointed fingers and fingers and start slapping me and start pulling me. They kicked me and threw/flunk the whole computer on my leg, I can swear my life on this. They didn't apologize.

But then again, I would rather they hit and beat me and all rather than scold me and put me down like someone that is so insignificant in their life. They can never understand how much I am struggling, really. IT'S EVERY FUCKING SECOND, MINUTE, HOUR OR MY LIFE. THE ED HAS NEVER LEFT MY MIND. BE IT R, B, P, SH, E AND ALL IT HAS NEVER FUCKING LEFT MY MIND AND I DOUBT IT WILL EVER LEAVE MY MIND.

Here is a interesting "conversation" with my sister.
S: You know what, just don't shout to your mother, seriously because she is your mother.
Me: Yeah, then what about you? Why can you shout at me when you are younger than me?
S: That is because you are wrong, you have been wrong for 3 years and we are sick and tired of your nonsense. It is an everyday battle to come home and be prepared to fend ourselves for your sudden tantrums or what not. All of us have a life and the only one who doesn't have a life, is you.
Me: Wow, thanks.
S: No, seriously. I  am saying the truth. Every moment of your life is so consumed by your ED sick thoughts like what to eat, what are others eating, what am I not allowed to eat, why must I be skinny, why am I so fat.
Me: - TOTAL LOSS FOR WORDS -

What she say is so true and so exact and so accurate but why do I continue doing it, despite me knowing the no-life-ness that I am leading. Someone, please advise me what am I supposed to do.
Should I give up in life or should I continue leading this losing battle?

Genes shape your life.

Hello all readers,

I think something that really matter in our body shape is mainly due to genetics. For me, my mother has been on the obese side and my whole family belong to the pear shape kind where we are bottom-heavy.

That caused me to place extra caution with my thighs and I overly emphasized on my thighs too much, researching the certain food to eat so that my thighs would be sculpted and toned. Exercises to tone my thighs are also on my most commonly searches in my google device.

I didn't have a goal weight, but I just wanted my thighs to be slim that I can use my fingers to wrap around. I didn't have a goal weight. And thus, that got more complicated because I became too obsessed about the size of my thighs that I forget that other parts of my body are already shutting down and diminishing.

But, as I got my mind off my thighs, other parts of the body start sinking in. My waist, my arms, my collarbones, it was as though I had never-ending worries about my body parts and that is something really distracting and I could simply spend the whole day fantasizing about the ideal body shape and what I needed to do to get there. Similarly, I was really afraid of gaining weight and losing all the control.

Sometimes, I just feel like letting everything go and just being the old girl that I used to be but sometimes I feel that this eating disorder has already replaced my old, boring identity and I am not willing to give that up. It's really tough to separate my thoughts from the eating disorder thoughts nowadays. Not being able to get to my ideal weight (High/Low) would also get me frustrated.

I know such hospitalizations are going to be on my agenda as soon as my school resumes. I know that I would go back to the unhealthy methods and those extreme steps to get my weight in control and of course, my body shape to be in the "ideal" range of mine.

We shall see how things will go.