ANOTHER rant

I should have just left and never came back.
I dont want to come back, I dont want to continue with this screwed up life.

My life can be as screwed up as you can think I am serious and I am not kidding.

People always ask me why I bring this upon myself and sometimes I also ask myself
why do I have to change this to something that is so troublesome for myself.

I think I cant emphasize this enough but oh well.

SHUDDUP

Thinking about everything in life, I think I feel really desperate.

I don't know how to convey my feelings or sentiments, either through words or actions.
Being able to talk to others and telling them to think positive, its gonna be like a hypocrite.

I have promised myself to keep quiet as of now 10pm of 29/11/2013.

Starting from tomorrow, I shall just keep mum and keep my mouth shut and just suck it up.

Keep thinking about all these just make tears drop and drop endlessly.

Please stop, brain. You have ruined me enough.

FML

My best friend found out that I lied to her. I didnt do it intentionally.

I just didn't want to affect her. Maybe another reason I didnt want to let her know its because
I know that it isnt doing myself good as well (being more selfish no?) because I know that I am
gaining w but she is outside losing w.

Maybe that's why I contemplated telling others because I know I am going to get so triggered by
them having the freedom outside and thus, being able to restrict/BP and lose all the weight and yet I
am made to gain past my hw.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

Can someone advise me what to do?

Please let me know whether I should continue talking or communicating with my friends.

I dont have much friends already.

HIATUS AND BACK AFTER SO LONG.

I guess I have been on hiatus for quite some time.

Got really bad with my eating disorder behaviours, almost got sent over to the hospital
but luckily, I managed to get away with it.

Been binging and purging and restricting and all.

Urgh, really hate this constant cycle.

Anyway, there are various photos that I want to upload of my binge food also :D

Where has that person went to?

I have always been the good girl in the family, where has that girl went to?

Can somebody find that person again? Please I beg you.

Now I can finally understand why someone would want to return to where they have begun and never stepped into this shit eating disorder because its such an unhealthy obsession and addiction and you really never understand how much shit this would be unless you are in this shit.

I can never find anyone who would tolerate and continue talking to me because everyone gets sick of my lies, my stories, my pathetic sympathetic cries for help. 

Everybody just blames it on me and only me. 

Is that person really me? Or is that the illness?

And if it really is the illness, can I ask it to simply fuck off my life?

Hiatus for a long time.

I doubt anyone still reads this blog.

Anyway, this holidays have been pretty happening.

Got admitted recently and wanted to start afresh the moment I get discharged but all in all, I just want to declare here that it has been a failure. It hasnt been that easy as I thought it would be,

I know this is getting repetitive but I really don't understand why can't I let go of something that's hurting myself, my family and those around me so badly. Can someone just advise me on why cant I let go?

Even if not for myself, at least for those around me.

Anyway, I just had lunch and I suspect my dad added rice for me. Which explains my fucking sky high anxiety and fucking depressed mood now.

FUCK THIS SHIT, I REALLY HAVE HAD ENOUGH. WHEN CAN I BE NORMAL AGAIN.

Addiction

Sometimes, I ask myself whether I am addicted to being sick and wonder how sick that is.

How ironic is this seriously, I really hate this feeling of being so reliant on something so external and
fake to look for support (emotional/physical) and identity. It is as if the real me doesn't exist.

Oh, wait, it really doesn't exist.

I haven't found my real self in a while. It is really tiring and I feel like giving up.

I think I have said this so many times but I havent mustered the courage to really do what I am
planning at the back of my mind.