Where has that person went to?

I have always been the good girl in the family, where has that girl went to?

Can somebody find that person again? Please I beg you.

Now I can finally understand why someone would want to return to where they have begun and never stepped into this shit eating disorder because its such an unhealthy obsession and addiction and you really never understand how much shit this would be unless you are in this shit.

I can never find anyone who would tolerate and continue talking to me because everyone gets sick of my lies, my stories, my pathetic sympathetic cries for help. 

Everybody just blames it on me and only me. 

Is that person really me? Or is that the illness?

And if it really is the illness, can I ask it to simply fuck off my life?

Hiatus for a long time.

I doubt anyone still reads this blog.

Anyway, this holidays have been pretty happening.

Got admitted recently and wanted to start afresh the moment I get discharged but all in all, I just want to declare here that it has been a failure. It hasnt been that easy as I thought it would be,

I know this is getting repetitive but I really don't understand why can't I let go of something that's hurting myself, my family and those around me so badly. Can someone just advise me on why cant I let go?

Even if not for myself, at least for those around me.

Anyway, I just had lunch and I suspect my dad added rice for me. Which explains my fucking sky high anxiety and fucking depressed mood now.

FUCK THIS SHIT, I REALLY HAVE HAD ENOUGH. WHEN CAN I BE NORMAL AGAIN.

Addiction

Sometimes, I ask myself whether I am addicted to being sick and wonder how sick that is.

How ironic is this seriously, I really hate this feeling of being so reliant on something so external and
fake to look for support (emotional/physical) and identity. It is as if the real me doesn't exist.

Oh, wait, it really doesn't exist.

I haven't found my real self in a while. It is really tiring and I feel like giving up.

I think I have said this so many times but I havent mustered the courage to really do what I am
planning at the back of my mind.

Rant.

I don't really know who reads my blog but oh well, thanks for making me feel a tiny weeny bit better everyday I see that the page views increase because that means that there are people reading this worthless place that I usually rant. Thank you guys <3

Okay, back to the real topic, I am feeling like shit because I feel so alone.

It's not just alone, it is being alone in a crowded room. That kind of feeling where you see everyone
around you just together and you are the only one being left out, being ostracized to one corner,
where everyone of different walks of life could just click with each other, but just leaving you the only
socially awkward one there as if you are transparent.

That is how I feel every moment, its as if people don't want to include me in everything and that my presence doesn't matter at all. I don't even know why I exist and why I choose to live on.

It is not only difficult to handle the life in Singapore as a student. But adding to all these challenges, are the challenges that the ED post to my life and the DEPRESSION monster, its just making things a million times
worse than it used to be.

Sorry this is such a mundane post but I just wanted to rant, maybe its because of the lack of friends which explain why I don't have anyone to rant to. Its just me and .... me.

Photos can really tell a million words. I just feel that I have to take photo of it lest the moment becomes just gone that way, and I am so afraid that one day I might suffer from dementia. I can feel that now, like I constantly forget about many things and when I say many things, I really mean many things. 

Last but not least, to everyone out there reading this worthless and stupid blog
(but you guys are still awesome alright?), 

THIS PICTURE IS FOR YOU GUYS

A little food only la

Quite shocked that people read my blog but I should really start posting more food pictures.



Some kind of pan fried radish cake, you can fry it on your own too.

Quite fun frying them though!



Another hawker food that I like: Otah!

It is basically fish meat (processed) but nonetheless, delicious.
Sometimes, it can get too spicy but I still like it. You can choose to eat it plain or with bread, it tastes good either way!! Down it with a cup of milo beng (ICE MILO) and there you go, Singapore Unique Taste!



Another pumpkin bread that my children's mother made. She is indeed a baker and a cook.

HAHAH, IF I LIVE WITH HER, I WILL BECOME FATTYBOMBBOMB! LOL

Holiday mood.

I saw that my stats are increasing, yay!

That means more people are reading my boring life, muhahahahhah dk why too.

Yeah, but anyway, it's been pretty bored.

Today, my therapist referred my relationship with the ED akin to a relationship of a wife with an abusive husband. I find that so true. Come to think of it, the ED abuses us but we still continue sticking to it. Don't you find it strange? Normal human beings tend to want to get well but this ED doesn't want us to get well, get that irony of this illness?

It just kind of daunt upon me how scary this ED hides itself.

Now see, the ED makes you feel that he/she/it is the only one there for you when everyone leaves you in the lurch but have you ever dig deep down to find out the root cause of why are people leaving your life/there are lesser people in your social circle?

YES, ITS BECAUSE OF THE ED.
IT HAS TOO MANY RULES THAT DOESNT CONFORM WITH THE NORM AND THAT IS WHAT MAKES YOU ABNORMAL AND THUS, UNABLE TO FIT IN WITH THE CROWD.

THERE ARE MANY THINGS THAT WE DO THAT WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY ARE WE DOING BUT WE CONTINUE DOING, BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE COMMANDS OF THE ED.

The ED causes the trouble and then, becomes very smart and secretive to come back in to act as the "HERO" to save you from solitude/feeling lonely.
It is smart, manipulative, secretive, malicious, greedy and everything else that you can describe someone who has just done an illegal act.

These are just some of the stuff and thoughts that have been in my mind today, it's been tough battling this internal struggle but trust me, it takes practice. The voice would tame down, one day. Just one day, wait till you see me beat you off the ass.

Few food photos to entice my blog

Some food porn yeah, havent been updating this blog with pictures.
So here comes.

myloveisladyfingers.

OKAY THIS IS SO GLUTTONISH. HAHAH