No one there.

Sometimes, when i reflect back and think what the hell am I doing outta this fucking life (wait, its not even considered a life) and then I immediately get the strong urge to want to recover.

But that last for less than a second, or rather millisecond. It gets so tough to maintain that motivation, especially when nobody realizes and you feel so lost and alone in your own world.

You don't tell your school mates because you don't want them to judge you.
You don't tell your parents because you know that they will scold you and might send you for treatment or what not.
You don't tell your friends (other than school mates) because they haven't been there before so they don't know how it feels to be in your position.
You don't tell anyone.

The only one you talk to is yourself but sometimes, you don't even know what you are saying.

Repeatedly, I tried telling myself that the only way out of feeling shitty is to recover.
But whenever I am on a "good" day of recovery, something/someone just has to be there to remind me of how fat, unworthy, imperfect, useless and all the negative things about me.

Yes, I know my flaws and I know I have been saying "i know" but not doing a thing to change.
IFUCKINGKNOWIT. ITS REALLY TIRING AND THE NEXT DAY ALL AND THE ONLY THING YOU WANT TO DO IS TURN TO THIS PERFECT FRIEND, THE ED.

It just comforts you with its presence that you are totally engulfed by it. You don't get reminded of anything else and they just ask you to "follow me" and you quietly listened because you have no one else by your side. They are the only one who understand you, the only one who was there for you when no one else was.

They are there 24/7 and that is what makes them so powerful in your life.



Learning to let go is tough, but sometimes, listening to that voice might even be tougher.

Update, nothing much.

It has definitely been a while since I posted. I have always been dragging posts after posts.

Typing them and end up deleting them for fear that they get judged but well again, nobody really reads it anyway. I don't really know why am I caring so much.

Okay, so lets update myself about how have things been?
Hmm, say its been pretty much the same or much worse and much more screwed up. It hasnt been a easy road going to school acting like nothing is wrong with me when the whirlpool of thoughts at the back of my mind is traumatizing and annoying. It has been difficult to hide everything and when I dont have anyone to speak to, who do I turn to?

FOOD. Yes, you are fucking right.

The only thing that I can control.
It can ruin my entire day or it could just brighten my entire day.

Fuck this shit.
I wish I could get out of this cycle.

XT, I feel you and I would give a million dollars to have your courage.

Rant again. Fuck

I am feeling depressed as hell. 

My uncle and auntie just came up to lecture me. Okay wait you haven't seen or heard the whole story. 

1. We had a normal Saturday but just a tinge of uniqueness. My uncle booked a MBS hotel room for us to see the fireworks. So yeah, that is kinda like different for us so yeah. And then, my sister will go tuition with my cousin and my mum would go with me instead, with my grandparents. 

2. Off we go and have lunch. Lunch was fine, felt that I eat too much urgh without p-ing so kinda anxious already. And plus getting really irritated by my grandma because she keeps asking me to eat and all. And keep pushing me to eat. Urgh, the ed just keeps telling me that she wants me fat and she wants me to eat more than her. 

Plus, my uncle keep scolding and say "if I am ah dear (my father), I wouldn't care about her at all, useless la. she 3 years already still the same no point la!" 

3. Wah I already damn useless and shitty feeling already and then they had to plunge down another reality. Oh I didn't see my sister eat so it means she didn't eat. 

4. When we reached there, I realised that I have to do CSE video filming. So thereforec I have to ask someone to film for me and not only that, I also have to have a QUIET environment. That's almost impossible in a party environment like MBS hotel. So yeah, kinda attaining the impossible. 

Made some shows for my grandma to watch and all. And then, I followed by to do all my work other than CSE. Realising the urgency of it, I texted dad t ask where he is and he said he is on his way. I just needed him to film for me. So yeah, then my uncle came and said that my auntie say they just left Tampines so I was so pissed and I texted my dad and say why you lie to me about the fact that you are reaching when in fact you had just set off from home. 

5. Despite all these complaints, I realised that I can't wait further so I hid myself in the closet and start filming myself for the video. 

6. Wow they finally arrived. I started just being really alright but got a little anxious cos I actually was hoping that the snacks get grabbed by my sister. But she appeared rather nonchalant about it. So kinda like bleh. 

7. And then the drama starts, my unclle went down to buy lottery and decided to go together with my auntie to Amoy street to buy dinner. The original plan was that we take MRT to somewhere to have dinner but alas they had that decision. And I was kinda paranoid because then I wouldn't know when to take, and like the timings are pretty screwed up. 

8. So I was kinda like hoping that there would be some news and there really was. My uncle went down at like 6.30 to fetch them up. Wow when they came up, I was like fuck, the rice was humongous and then the dishes were so little. If you know me, you would know that I love dishes. Yeah so they bought two packs of plain rice and two packs of fried rice and the rest had some like duck rice and char siew rice and sort. Then that one whole packet of rice was for me. When they served it on the plate, there was like two humps there. So I was very very afraid already. Urgh and my sister ate so little. Worst, my grandma just grab like 1/4 of the rice and gave the rest to my dad and then my aunt (the skinny one who went to buy all the dinner) ate merely 1/4 of the fried rice and some duck meat. And she said she is full. Urgh, I am so pissed. 

9. My grandma and aunt eating totally pisses me off. So when they started talking to me after my dinner, I ignored or just have the eye rolling session (behind their backs). 

10. And lastly they continued the gossiping and all until 8 plus. Like hello I have exams in 2 weeks time. So I am more than ever determined to burn the midnight oil tonight because I wanted to show them what I could do since they wanted me to go to the hotel. 

11. Go home. On car, texted auntie about why was I angry. 

12. They replied and really angry and said that she was going supper. I said I didn't see so I can't believe. 

13. They came up and come to lecture me. All I heard was

- "how old are you and you are still crying over that extra grains of rice."

- "three years already and I am still telling you the same thing" 

- "if you want someone's life, just tell them. Don't torture them."

- "I have been observing you, you are just fake."

- "shed what tears? No use shedding those tears because I can foresee myself coming here again doing the same speech."

Hiatus

Haven't blogged in a while and j guess no one reads this blog too but yeah. Been struggling with many emotional breakdowns. Just so pissed with myself and everything that I have done 

Sometimes I don't know what I want that's why i do different things at times and it is just so contradictory towards each other. Like sometimes I just wanna stop those destructive behaviour and then the voice just comes and I have to listen to it. 

And then the next moment I think of someone who loves me so dearly and the only person I live for (D) and then I know that what j am doing is wrong and sometimes, only sometimes, I will stop those thoughts from overwhelming and overcoming me but other than that, if D is not here like physically here with me, I don't think I can ever do it. That shows how reliant I am on D. And it's really not a healthy relationship, especially for someone my age. 

Stop these thoughts, please. Someone, can you control the monster? Not those outside, but the domineering one inside and within. 

HELP.

Hello strangers,

I know nobody really read my blog but this is just another avenue for me to rant.
Anyway, things have been sort of the same as the previous time that I have blogged except for the
fact that things have been super rocky with family relationships and all.

I don't know what is wrong but I think it stems from my parents expectations from me, my
ED comparison with my sister, my sister hatred towards my illness and me and the financial
status of my parents and family as a whole. I don't even know whether it is right to call it a family
because it doesn't even feels like one.

It's been a tough road everyday, battling the internal struggles whether to r/b/p/e. My life is usually
revolved around the first 3. It's tough telling myself to do what any typical teenager would do.
I don't even know what am I living for. I bet many of you feel the same way but when I feel this way,
the only avenue that I have to seek for comfort and reassurance is through FOOD.

Sigh, this is just more of a general blog post rather than it targeting towards anyone/anything.
But I do have something to add - if any readers happen to read this post to the end, please tell me
how to stop comparing. I have to stop this bad habit of mine because it's tearing my life and my family
life apart. It's tearing the relationship between me and my sister. It is already torn apart and not only am I not trying to mend things, but I seem to be adding oil to the fuel.

Hiatus.

I haven't blogged for a long time, sigh. It's as if my life has ce to a standstill where the same cycle repeats itself everyday. Like I will BP and then BP and then BP, it's really scary. The amounts I eat, the money I spend, the money I waste, the time I waste, the other sacrifices of homework .. 

It's scary as fuck, trust me. 

I haven't been able to open up to anyone  except E. she is the only one there for me. I shall dedicate a post to her later. Anyway, the friendship haven't been a smooth one like all other things in my life. Anyway I doubt anyone reads my blog so yeah. Just some updates with some food porn! Messy and all, cos this was some binges. 

RANT (Lengthy one)

I think everyone is getting sick and tired of me, even I am getting sick and tired of myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, I am up for two weeks break from the hectic school but somehow, i would rather that there be school. Weird, don't ya think?

Yeah, I feel weird that as a teenager I would want to go to school.
I don't think any normal teenager would even feel that fucking way not even for 1 second.

We had a huge fight today at home, and I vowed to E that I would freaking kill myself tomorrow. But, then again, who would believe what I say since I have never done it. It's just all talk without any action. I know I don't have the courage and all, that is why nobody wants to believe me.

My parents were talking about how tired they were over my ED life, and all the time, they just hurled various hurting comments again and again. It is tiring hearing that from your "parents". They told me that it is all your ED talking and they just pointed fingers and fingers and start slapping me and start pulling me. They kicked me and threw/flunk the whole computer on my leg, I can swear my life on this. They didn't apologize.

But then again, I would rather they hit and beat me and all rather than scold me and put me down like someone that is so insignificant in their life. They can never understand how much I am struggling, really. IT'S EVERY FUCKING SECOND, MINUTE, HOUR OR MY LIFE. THE ED HAS NEVER LEFT MY MIND. BE IT R, B, P, SH, E AND ALL IT HAS NEVER FUCKING LEFT MY MIND AND I DOUBT IT WILL EVER LEAVE MY MIND.

Here is a interesting "conversation" with my sister.
S: You know what, just don't shout to your mother, seriously because she is your mother.
Me: Yeah, then what about you? Why can you shout at me when you are younger than me?
S: That is because you are wrong, you have been wrong for 3 years and we are sick and tired of your nonsense. It is an everyday battle to come home and be prepared to fend ourselves for your sudden tantrums or what not. All of us have a life and the only one who doesn't have a life, is you.
Me: Wow, thanks.
S: No, seriously. I  am saying the truth. Every moment of your life is so consumed by your ED sick thoughts like what to eat, what are others eating, what am I not allowed to eat, why must I be skinny, why am I so fat.
Me: - TOTAL LOSS FOR WORDS -

What she say is so true and so exact and so accurate but why do I continue doing it, despite me knowing the no-life-ness that I am leading. Someone, please advise me what am I supposed to do.
Should I give up in life or should I continue leading this losing battle?