Hiatus

Haven't blogged in a while and j guess no one reads this blog too but yeah. Been struggling with many emotional breakdowns. Just so pissed with myself and everything that I have done 

Sometimes I don't know what I want that's why i do different things at times and it is just so contradictory towards each other. Like sometimes I just wanna stop those destructive behaviour and then the voice just comes and I have to listen to it. 

And then the next moment I think of someone who loves me so dearly and the only person I live for (D) and then I know that what j am doing is wrong and sometimes, only sometimes, I will stop those thoughts from overwhelming and overcoming me but other than that, if D is not here like physically here with me, I don't think I can ever do it. That shows how reliant I am on D. And it's really not a healthy relationship, especially for someone my age. 

Stop these thoughts, please. Someone, can you control the monster? Not those outside, but the domineering one inside and within. 

HELP.

Hello strangers,

I know nobody really read my blog but this is just another avenue for me to rant.
Anyway, things have been sort of the same as the previous time that I have blogged except for the
fact that things have been super rocky with family relationships and all.

I don't know what is wrong but I think it stems from my parents expectations from me, my
ED comparison with my sister, my sister hatred towards my illness and me and the financial
status of my parents and family as a whole. I don't even know whether it is right to call it a family
because it doesn't even feels like one.

It's been a tough road everyday, battling the internal struggles whether to r/b/p/e. My life is usually
revolved around the first 3. It's tough telling myself to do what any typical teenager would do.
I don't even know what am I living for. I bet many of you feel the same way but when I feel this way,
the only avenue that I have to seek for comfort and reassurance is through FOOD.

Sigh, this is just more of a general blog post rather than it targeting towards anyone/anything.
But I do have something to add - if any readers happen to read this post to the end, please tell me
how to stop comparing. I have to stop this bad habit of mine because it's tearing my life and my family
life apart. It's tearing the relationship between me and my sister. It is already torn apart and not only am I not trying to mend things, but I seem to be adding oil to the fuel.