Food porn

Just some of my food pictures :)
Feel free to comment and maybe leave some pictures too. :)

Values.

I don't know what's up with blogger nowadays but I can't upload pictures.

Ugh, really getting on my nerves. Does anyone there also suffering from the same thing. I need to upload pictures rather than just wordings and more boring posts by yours truly.

Anyway, how have you guys been? I think maybe today, I want to talk about the different values that we hold to ourselves. All of us have different values, I believe. I think it is really necessary for us to know what we want and therefore, such values shape our actions and really define who we really are.

I think one such exercise that is really useful to use is to list down the various values that you feel are important to you and ask yourself whenever the ED steps in, ask him/her whether they are able to let you accomplish such values to shape you to the beautiful person you wanna be.

Yeah, I just want to motivate all of us to tell you guys that recovery is possible and it's definitely worth it. Maybe because today is a good good day which explains my positive tone. But, be it positive or negative day, just keep pushing forward and it really is worth it.

Some local food delicacies that I have tried and would definitely try more of this :)

Genes shape your life.

Hello all readers,

I think something that really matter in our body shape is mainly due to genetics. For me, my mother has been on the obese side and my whole family belong to the pear shape kind where we are bottom-heavy.

That caused me to place extra caution with my thighs and I overly emphasized on my thighs too much, researching the certain food to eat so that my thighs would be sculpted and toned. Exercises to tone my thighs are also on my most commonly searches in my google device.

I didn't have a goal weight, but I just wanted my thighs to be slim that I can use my fingers to wrap around. I didn't have a goal weight. And thus, that got more complicated because I became too obsessed about the size of my thighs that I forget that other parts of my body are already shutting down and diminishing.

But, as I got my mind off my thighs, other parts of the body start sinking in. My waist, my arms, my collarbones, it was as though I had never-ending worries about my body parts and that is something really distracting and I could simply spend the whole day fantasizing about the ideal body shape and what I needed to do to get there. Similarly, I was really afraid of gaining weight and losing all the control.

Sometimes, I just feel like letting everything go and just being the old girl that I used to be but sometimes I feel that this eating disorder has already replaced my old, boring identity and I am not willing to give that up. It's really tough to separate my thoughts from the eating disorder thoughts nowadays. Not being able to get to my ideal weight (High/Low) would also get me frustrated.

I know such hospitalizations are going to be on my agenda as soon as my school resumes. I know that I would go back to the unhealthy methods and those extreme steps to get my weight in control and of course, my body shape to be in the "ideal" range of mine.

We shall see how things will go.

Mindfulness.

Hello all,

Today I want to talk about mindfulness. Just happened to find it really interesting and I find it particularly tough for people with eating disorders. Most of us are often too starved/obsessed with food to the point that we disregard everything else and we become somewhat un-mindful about our surroundings and what's happening around.

What is mindfulness, you might ask.

It is actually staying in the present moment and just be aware of your surroundings and actions.

I know its easier said than done. Staying in the present moment and really feeling what you should and not avoiding the negativities, that's really a tough task to do. But, nonetheless, if we set our mind to it, I am sure any of us are able to do that too.

Due to the fact that we are malnourished and obsessed about our weight, appearance, food, calories, etc, we become too preoccupied with the fact that we ignore and neglect other more important things around us. Sometimes, what it takes is just realization.

We have to realize what we are genuinely missing out. We have to realize what other people are lacking of. We have to realize how fortunate we are, and not harping on things that we don't have. We have to realize that there are stronger people out there fighting tougher battles and yet not giving up, so who are we to give up? We have to realize that everything happens for a reason. We have to realize that sometimes, tough times are meant for tough and strong people to handle, so we shouldn't succumb to such setbacks and define yourself based on one off incident. We have to realize that there are so many things out there, waiting for us to explore. We have to realize how inhumane the eating disorder has evolved us into, and quickly take a step back to correct our mistakes.

I guess, that is about it. If there is anything you would like to share about mindfulness, feel free to leave a comment.

This is a short video that teaches you how to slowly relax your mind and let your thoughts distant away from you. You have to realize that such practice might come tough at the first try, but it would improve overtime. :)

Triggers.

Hello all,

I think something that I would like to talk about is triggers and that I know that with the Eating Disorder,
many of us tend to face triggers outside. Be it friends, family, or even strangers that we see walking on
the street.

I don't know for you guys but for me, I really find it very triggering if someone is really skinny AND also restrict their intake and often obsess about food or other people food. Although I know that that is what I do as well, I just feel that this is my identity and that no one should snatch this part of me.

Maybe some things to share with you, some personal feelings.
Have you ever asked yourself, why would you get triggered when normal people don't get triggered by the skinny people but rather get turned off by them?

That is because we are all sick and that we want to be like the skinny ones, so we are in a sense "jealous" of them being so sick and that we continue harping on the fact that we are fatter, heavier, bigger than them.

But, this is something that I feel reassuring if you want to cope with triggers. Just ask yourself, "How long can they sustain this? And even if they become skinny, are they truly happy?"

I guess, thats the main goal of my topic today. If there is any triggers that you find around you, please feel free to comment on this post and we will discuss them one by one.
I just want all of you to know that you are be-YOU-tiful the way you are, stay strong guys! :)

Post-Fight

Hi all,

Although there aren't really people reading this blog like everyday, I still want to make it a point to journal down my thoughts and stuff. Just to let myself be on track and know what I am doing.

Of course, as you can see that I am able to blog, that goes to show that I didn't really did what I planned, that is to run away of course. Hmm, after some persuasion, I realized that I might even be adding fuel to the oil when in actual fact I might not get admitted so why bother?

Another thing is of course, the fact that I don't know why but I felt really indebted to my parents and felt that what they did for me could never outweigh what the ED do for me (did it do anything productive/caring).
-In my mind-
Devil: I DID SO MUCH FOR YOU. I GAVE YOU THE CONTROL THAT YOU WANT, I GAVE YOU THE SKINNY LIFE THAT YOU WANT, I GAVE YOU THE (...) 

Me: Yeah, you give me nothing else but just bullshit and crap. Go rot in hell.

So, I guess that is all about it. If there is anything I can do to help, please email me at anorexicrecovery@gmail.com or you can also leave a comment on my blog!

Here's up some food photos, although it might not look appetizing. So, if there is anything that you want me to also share or talk about, feel free to comment!

Thanks buds, so here goes some food porn :)
Oops, blogger seems to not allow me to post my food porn. Till the next time then, will try to figure out what's wrong with this photo uploader.

Ciaos.

Fight.

It is gonna be a long rant about my father so if you don't want to read, its fine.

My sister didn't join us for our weekly family gatherings and went to have a social meeting with her schoolmates.
- In my mind- 
Devil: She must not be eating, she must be starving, she must be exercising. Its so unfair that she is
so skinny and she gets to starve and all but you are such a fat pig and you are still eating heaps and heaps.

So I decide to threaten my dad not to eat dinner if she doesn't show me a picture that she is eating. But in the end, I still succumbed to my idiotic hunger pangs and ate the weekly dinner. I don't know why the fuck my willpower is ending and diminishing and stuff. I just want that old willpower and strength to continue starving and working out.

-In my mind-
Devil: Why are you still eating? You are the fattest anorexic I have ever seen, I don't think I can even call you
an anorexic patient, you are the fucking fat anorexic. 

I came back and I told my dad that my sister didn't eat dinner and coincidentally, she was eating Hersheys' Chocolate and my mum told me to eat that and I said I would eat that if I didn't have dinner.
(Btw, she was munching on Fairprice chips when we were coming back)

-In my mind-
Devil: Never mind that, she is already eating so just drop the subject. But, wait, you still ate a lot so yeah you have to stand and burn all those away.  
(Pretends untying the knots of the charger of my laptop, while standing)

Parents just immediately grabbed me and pulled me to sit down and my dad began strangling me and whispering to my ears "You said you wanna go home right, arent you at home now? Are you happy? Happy to be in this situation?"

And, the fight began. They began pulling my hair, scratching my neck, strangling me, biting me, scratching my hands with their fingernails. Now, both my hands are red.
Sorry for the monotonous post here, but this is just for me to rant.

Food.

Hello all,

Please do pardon my rare posts. But I really appreciate all the people that take the effort to come down
to my blog to patronize this boring blog as well.

Thank you so much.

Anyway, I have been really adamant about recovering because I feel that this eating disorder is the only thing
that I have and if I really recover, I would not have anything to my name.
I feel that I don't know what else to look forward to everyday. Things seem less vibrant nowadays and I
feel that I have lost the interest in everything else, do you guys feel so too?

(Please comment if you have similar experiences)

Anyway, some food photos that I have to share.
;Really appreciate family dinners like this. I know its been really tough on my family to deal with this monster at home. So, I have been "performing" rather well during mealtimes with them, to appease my guilt that I feel for them as well.

Ciaos, would post frequently (Hope i dont bore you guys to tears)