Rant, again. For the 10034840382902593 time

What am I supposed to do?

Everything is just so screwed up. Just got a fight with my parents.
But, see what this un-filial "daughter" is thinking. The only thing that i am thinking is "Yay, they are out of the house and I can do whatever I want without their supervision."
I am just wanting to b/p the whole way through. It is part of venting my anger and my frustration.

I gained weight and that is something that I want last to fucking screw up this weekend.

Why do I have to be such a fat whale and still surviving in this fucked up world?
This is so screwed up, nothing else is gonna work out.

Not wanting to seek attention but I really really want someone who is 24/7 always there to shower me with love, care and concern. Maybe, that is a robot or something, because I am human and I know that its impossible to stay by someone's side the whole time.

Some food porn for you guys.
Btw, this are the normal meals that are within the supervision of my parents. That means that I can't purge all this so the only way is to stick with safe choices.

What am I supposed to do next week when it is Common Test and my parents don't know that it is just no school and just going to school to take the paper?
Because I am sure that I will BP once I am free. Its taxing and annoying and expensive. HOW?

I miss you, W.

I really miss the W.
I really miss the sense of security it gave, although it might be false.
I really miss the love that I felt there that I have never felt elsewhere. Although we are strangers, you guys loved me more than how my loved ones would do.
I really miss the food there, undoubtedly. I know it might seem rather ridiculous for someone like me to like the food there. But, trust me, it really is nice. As much as I want to deny it, it really is the best thing ever.
I miss the times with the girls when we would all crowd around and start bitching about other anti-recovery people and talking about those annoying nurses.
I miss the times when we would all secretly look forward to 8am, 12pm, 6pm for all the meals.
I miss the times when we look forward to the trolley man coming to the ward and delivering the food.
I miss the times when we would complain about the temperature of the drinks/supplements.
I miss the times when we would get ready to bathe after the permitted time.
I miss the times when we see nurses catch some naughty patients cheating (those that we dont like though)
I miss the times when we have to get weighed every Monday. As much as we hate to know the weight, we know it determines our schedule for the rest of the week.
I miss the times when we had to sit in the activity room/nurses counter after meals to distract ourselves.
I miss the times when we could just talk and not care about everything happening in the external world, and just caring about what's up for the next meal.
I miss the times that we would only think about whether we had fish already or whether the texture of the oats are smooth/sweet/bland or whether our egg was runny/hard-boiled/soft-boiled/raw/uncooked or whether there were more gravy today or whether our banana was bigger than others.
I miss the times when we had those purple or pink cups with our supplements inside.
I really miss the W.

Sister, well, again.

Sorry for the lack of posts but I have really been quite busy due to school and all.

Anyway, I haven't been doing the best and I know I am quite in deep shit if the hospital were to do blood checks on me, with my potassium level shooting up rocket high standards or maybe my sodium and electrolytes are also fucked up.

I am really so pissed off with myself for not being able to lose any weight. Saying that I am pissed, disappointed, upset over my current weight is totally an understatement to what I am feeling now.

I can't condemn my whale body right now and seeing my sister crumbling down to her frail self everyday is not helping. Seriously. She comes back late at night without having to eat her dinner with us, and wakes up earlier than usual despite it being her holidays.

God knows what she is doing, seriously.

I bet she must be skipping meals outside or what not. I am so so so unlucky to have such a triggering sister like her. UGHHH, can anyone teach me some distraction tips because I really do need them since I am having my common tests in another week, and I can't keep focusing on what she is eating and what she isn't. That is frustrating and I swear to you that I really really want to stop this behaviour. I want to stop counting how many bites she is taking, and how long have she been outside, her calorie intake and her calorie expenditure. I am so so so tired of this fucked up life that isn't even mine.

I am so triggered by my auntie. She eats so little. No wonder she is skinny like bamboo 

Update.

Haven't been blogging in a while but I just wanna update on readers (though I know there aren't) I am just so pissed off at myself for lacking the courage to end this life. I wanna see how many people would be laughing and gloating their way due to the absence of mine. I hate the fact that I am still alive. Where else can I rant when I am judged everywhere? Practically everywhere you know. I feel so fucked up. I am sorry for being such a failure. I don't know what to do for everything anymore. What's there to live for?