Addiction

Sometimes, I ask myself whether I am addicted to being sick and wonder how sick that is.

How ironic is this seriously, I really hate this feeling of being so reliant on something so external and
fake to look for support (emotional/physical) and identity. It is as if the real me doesn't exist.

Oh, wait, it really doesn't exist.

I haven't found my real self in a while. It is really tiring and I feel like giving up.

I think I have said this so many times but I havent mustered the courage to really do what I am
planning at the back of my mind.

Rant.

I don't really know who reads my blog but oh well, thanks for making me feel a tiny weeny bit better everyday I see that the page views increase because that means that there are people reading this worthless place that I usually rant. Thank you guys <3

Okay, back to the real topic, I am feeling like shit because I feel so alone.

It's not just alone, it is being alone in a crowded room. That kind of feeling where you see everyone
around you just together and you are the only one being left out, being ostracized to one corner,
where everyone of different walks of life could just click with each other, but just leaving you the only
socially awkward one there as if you are transparent.

That is how I feel every moment, its as if people don't want to include me in everything and that my presence doesn't matter at all. I don't even know why I exist and why I choose to live on.

It is not only difficult to handle the life in Singapore as a student. But adding to all these challenges, are the challenges that the ED post to my life and the DEPRESSION monster, its just making things a million times
worse than it used to be.

Sorry this is such a mundane post but I just wanted to rant, maybe its because of the lack of friends which explain why I don't have anyone to rant to. Its just me and .... me.

Photos can really tell a million words. I just feel that I have to take photo of it lest the moment becomes just gone that way, and I am so afraid that one day I might suffer from dementia. I can feel that now, like I constantly forget about many things and when I say many things, I really mean many things. 

Last but not least, to everyone out there reading this worthless and stupid blog
(but you guys are still awesome alright?), 

THIS PICTURE IS FOR YOU GUYS

A little food only la

Quite shocked that people read my blog but I should really start posting more food pictures.



Some kind of pan fried radish cake, you can fry it on your own too.

Quite fun frying them though!



Another hawker food that I like: Otah!

It is basically fish meat (processed) but nonetheless, delicious.
Sometimes, it can get too spicy but I still like it. You can choose to eat it plain or with bread, it tastes good either way!! Down it with a cup of milo beng (ICE MILO) and there you go, Singapore Unique Taste!



Another pumpkin bread that my children's mother made. She is indeed a baker and a cook.

HAHAH, IF I LIVE WITH HER, I WILL BECOME FATTYBOMBBOMB! LOL

Holiday mood.

I saw that my stats are increasing, yay!

That means more people are reading my boring life, muhahahahhah dk why too.

Yeah, but anyway, it's been pretty bored.

Today, my therapist referred my relationship with the ED akin to a relationship of a wife with an abusive husband. I find that so true. Come to think of it, the ED abuses us but we still continue sticking to it. Don't you find it strange? Normal human beings tend to want to get well but this ED doesn't want us to get well, get that irony of this illness?

It just kind of daunt upon me how scary this ED hides itself.

Now see, the ED makes you feel that he/she/it is the only one there for you when everyone leaves you in the lurch but have you ever dig deep down to find out the root cause of why are people leaving your life/there are lesser people in your social circle?

YES, ITS BECAUSE OF THE ED.
IT HAS TOO MANY RULES THAT DOESNT CONFORM WITH THE NORM AND THAT IS WHAT MAKES YOU ABNORMAL AND THUS, UNABLE TO FIT IN WITH THE CROWD.

THERE ARE MANY THINGS THAT WE DO THAT WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY ARE WE DOING BUT WE CONTINUE DOING, BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE COMMANDS OF THE ED.

The ED causes the trouble and then, becomes very smart and secretive to come back in to act as the "HERO" to save you from solitude/feeling lonely.
It is smart, manipulative, secretive, malicious, greedy and everything else that you can describe someone who has just done an illegal act.

These are just some of the stuff and thoughts that have been in my mind today, it's been tough battling this internal struggle but trust me, it takes practice. The voice would tame down, one day. Just one day, wait till you see me beat you off the ass.

Few food photos to entice my blog

Some food porn yeah, havent been updating this blog with pictures.
So here comes.

myloveisladyfingers.

OKAY THIS IS SO GLUTTONISH. HAHAH

No one there.

Sometimes, when i reflect back and think what the hell am I doing outta this fucking life (wait, its not even considered a life) and then I immediately get the strong urge to want to recover.

But that last for less than a second, or rather millisecond. It gets so tough to maintain that motivation, especially when nobody realizes and you feel so lost and alone in your own world.

You don't tell your school mates because you don't want them to judge you.
You don't tell your parents because you know that they will scold you and might send you for treatment or what not.
You don't tell your friends (other than school mates) because they haven't been there before so they don't know how it feels to be in your position.
You don't tell anyone.

The only one you talk to is yourself but sometimes, you don't even know what you are saying.

Repeatedly, I tried telling myself that the only way out of feeling shitty is to recover.
But whenever I am on a "good" day of recovery, something/someone just has to be there to remind me of how fat, unworthy, imperfect, useless and all the negative things about me.

Yes, I know my flaws and I know I have been saying "i know" but not doing a thing to change.
IFUCKINGKNOWIT. ITS REALLY TIRING AND THE NEXT DAY ALL AND THE ONLY THING YOU WANT TO DO IS TURN TO THIS PERFECT FRIEND, THE ED.

It just comforts you with its presence that you are totally engulfed by it. You don't get reminded of anything else and they just ask you to "follow me" and you quietly listened because you have no one else by your side. They are the only one who understand you, the only one who was there for you when no one else was.

They are there 24/7 and that is what makes them so powerful in your life.



Learning to let go is tough, but sometimes, listening to that voice might even be tougher.

Update, nothing much.

It has definitely been a while since I posted. I have always been dragging posts after posts.

Typing them and end up deleting them for fear that they get judged but well again, nobody really reads it anyway. I don't really know why am I caring so much.

Okay, so lets update myself about how have things been?
Hmm, say its been pretty much the same or much worse and much more screwed up. It hasnt been a easy road going to school acting like nothing is wrong with me when the whirlpool of thoughts at the back of my mind is traumatizing and annoying. It has been difficult to hide everything and when I dont have anyone to speak to, who do I turn to?

FOOD. Yes, you are fucking right.

The only thing that I can control.
It can ruin my entire day or it could just brighten my entire day.

Fuck this shit.
I wish I could get out of this cycle.

XT, I feel you and I would give a million dollars to have your courage.

Rant again. Fuck

I am feeling depressed as hell. 

My uncle and auntie just came up to lecture me. Okay wait you haven't seen or heard the whole story. 

1. We had a normal Saturday but just a tinge of uniqueness. My uncle booked a MBS hotel room for us to see the fireworks. So yeah, that is kinda like different for us so yeah. And then, my sister will go tuition with my cousin and my mum would go with me instead, with my grandparents. 

2. Off we go and have lunch. Lunch was fine, felt that I eat too much urgh without p-ing so kinda anxious already. And plus getting really irritated by my grandma because she keeps asking me to eat and all. And keep pushing me to eat. Urgh, the ed just keeps telling me that she wants me fat and she wants me to eat more than her. 

Plus, my uncle keep scolding and say "if I am ah dear (my father), I wouldn't care about her at all, useless la. she 3 years already still the same no point la!" 

3. Wah I already damn useless and shitty feeling already and then they had to plunge down another reality. Oh I didn't see my sister eat so it means she didn't eat. 

4. When we reached there, I realised that I have to do CSE video filming. So thereforec I have to ask someone to film for me and not only that, I also have to have a QUIET environment. That's almost impossible in a party environment like MBS hotel. So yeah, kinda attaining the impossible. 

Made some shows for my grandma to watch and all. And then, I followed by to do all my work other than CSE. Realising the urgency of it, I texted dad t ask where he is and he said he is on his way. I just needed him to film for me. So yeah, then my uncle came and said that my auntie say they just left Tampines so I was so pissed and I texted my dad and say why you lie to me about the fact that you are reaching when in fact you had just set off from home. 

5. Despite all these complaints, I realised that I can't wait further so I hid myself in the closet and start filming myself for the video. 

6. Wow they finally arrived. I started just being really alright but got a little anxious cos I actually was hoping that the snacks get grabbed by my sister. But she appeared rather nonchalant about it. So kinda like bleh. 

7. And then the drama starts, my unclle went down to buy lottery and decided to go together with my auntie to Amoy street to buy dinner. The original plan was that we take MRT to somewhere to have dinner but alas they had that decision. And I was kinda paranoid because then I wouldn't know when to take, and like the timings are pretty screwed up. 

8. So I was kinda like hoping that there would be some news and there really was. My uncle went down at like 6.30 to fetch them up. Wow when they came up, I was like fuck, the rice was humongous and then the dishes were so little. If you know me, you would know that I love dishes. Yeah so they bought two packs of plain rice and two packs of fried rice and the rest had some like duck rice and char siew rice and sort. Then that one whole packet of rice was for me. When they served it on the plate, there was like two humps there. So I was very very afraid already. Urgh and my sister ate so little. Worst, my grandma just grab like 1/4 of the rice and gave the rest to my dad and then my aunt (the skinny one who went to buy all the dinner) ate merely 1/4 of the fried rice and some duck meat. And she said she is full. Urgh, I am so pissed. 

9. My grandma and aunt eating totally pisses me off. So when they started talking to me after my dinner, I ignored or just have the eye rolling session (behind their backs). 

10. And lastly they continued the gossiping and all until 8 plus. Like hello I have exams in 2 weeks time. So I am more than ever determined to burn the midnight oil tonight because I wanted to show them what I could do since they wanted me to go to the hotel. 

11. Go home. On car, texted auntie about why was I angry. 

12. They replied and really angry and said that she was going supper. I said I didn't see so I can't believe. 

13. They came up and come to lecture me. All I heard was

- "how old are you and you are still crying over that extra grains of rice."

- "three years already and I am still telling you the same thing" 

- "if you want someone's life, just tell them. Don't torture them."

- "I have been observing you, you are just fake."

- "shed what tears? No use shedding those tears because I can foresee myself coming here again doing the same speech."