Short rant to non existent readers

I feel like my whole life is just so boring, nothing exciting like finding a boyfriend or good friends or people who seriously cherish me.

Maybe these thoughts would come and go away, but its just times like this that make me feel super duper lonely and so helpless. The crazy thoughts would always come at this timing, haunting me like cray cray.

Maybe I would act on those thoughts sometimes or maybe just once, and I will never ever come back again (if you know what I mean) Sometimes people words comments actions can also make me feel so inferior but then again what Eleanor Roosevelt said was true "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent". If I didn't have so intense and so many insecurities, I don't think life would be so tough. I brought all these upon myself.

Without all these triggers, I would be able to function as a normal person and lead a normal life. Maybe there will be ups and downs but I know I won't do silly stuff or have cray cray on-top-of-the-world insane thoughts.

Nobody ever ever stays. I repeat NOBODY.

Rant isn't over yet, it's just that I don't want to bore you guys. HAHAHHA.

Go ahead and judge me.

Ciaos, sorry there isn't any pictures available. boring blog.

Rant.

I don't really know who reads my blog but oh well, thanks for making me feel a tiny weeny bit better everyday I see that the page views increase because that means that there are people reading this worthless place that I usually rant. Thank you guys <3

Okay, back to the real topic, I am feeling like shit because I feel so alone.

It's not just alone, it is being alone in a crowded room. That kind of feeling where you see everyone
around you just together and you are the only one being left out, being ostracized to one corner,
where everyone of different walks of life could just click with each other, but just leaving you the only
socially awkward one there as if you are transparent.

That is how I feel every moment, its as if people don't want to include me in everything and that my presence doesn't matter at all. I don't even know why I exist and why I choose to live on.

It is not only difficult to handle the life in Singapore as a student. But adding to all these challenges, are the challenges that the ED post to my life and the DEPRESSION monster, its just making things a million times
worse than it used to be.

Sorry this is such a mundane post but I just wanted to rant, maybe its because of the lack of friends which explain why I don't have anyone to rant to. Its just me and .... me.

Photos can really tell a million words. I just feel that I have to take photo of it lest the moment becomes just gone that way, and I am so afraid that one day I might suffer from dementia. I can feel that now, like I constantly forget about many things and when I say many things, I really mean many things. 

Last but not least, to everyone out there reading this worthless and stupid blog
(but you guys are still awesome alright?), 

THIS PICTURE IS FOR YOU GUYS

RANT (Lengthy one)

I think everyone is getting sick and tired of me, even I am getting sick and tired of myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, I am up for two weeks break from the hectic school but somehow, i would rather that there be school. Weird, don't ya think?

Yeah, I feel weird that as a teenager I would want to go to school.
I don't think any normal teenager would even feel that fucking way not even for 1 second.

We had a huge fight today at home, and I vowed to E that I would freaking kill myself tomorrow. But, then again, who would believe what I say since I have never done it. It's just all talk without any action. I know I don't have the courage and all, that is why nobody wants to believe me.

My parents were talking about how tired they were over my ED life, and all the time, they just hurled various hurting comments again and again. It is tiring hearing that from your "parents". They told me that it is all your ED talking and they just pointed fingers and fingers and start slapping me and start pulling me. They kicked me and threw/flunk the whole computer on my leg, I can swear my life on this. They didn't apologize.

But then again, I would rather they hit and beat me and all rather than scold me and put me down like someone that is so insignificant in their life. They can never understand how much I am struggling, really. IT'S EVERY FUCKING SECOND, MINUTE, HOUR OR MY LIFE. THE ED HAS NEVER LEFT MY MIND. BE IT R, B, P, SH, E AND ALL IT HAS NEVER FUCKING LEFT MY MIND AND I DOUBT IT WILL EVER LEAVE MY MIND.

Here is a interesting "conversation" with my sister.
S: You know what, just don't shout to your mother, seriously because she is your mother.
Me: Yeah, then what about you? Why can you shout at me when you are younger than me?
S: That is because you are wrong, you have been wrong for 3 years and we are sick and tired of your nonsense. It is an everyday battle to come home and be prepared to fend ourselves for your sudden tantrums or what not. All of us have a life and the only one who doesn't have a life, is you.
Me: Wow, thanks.
S: No, seriously. I  am saying the truth. Every moment of your life is so consumed by your ED sick thoughts like what to eat, what are others eating, what am I not allowed to eat, why must I be skinny, why am I so fat.
Me: - TOTAL LOSS FOR WORDS -

What she say is so true and so exact and so accurate but why do I continue doing it, despite me knowing the no-life-ness that I am leading. Someone, please advise me what am I supposed to do.
Should I give up in life or should I continue leading this losing battle?

My dear friend tumblr again.

ED ruins your life.

When you get an eating disorder, you might think that you have total control over your life but, you are so wrong. ED takes over that control, and your life becomes this whole stupid cycle obsessed over food, weight and shape. Your social life, friends, family members, studies, fun are all taken away. You spend every single day thinking about food, calories and numbers.. Even when you are skinny, you will be too ashamed to show it to the world. People will not comment about how “good” you look but instead, how sick and gaunt you look, as if death would come collect you soon. You will then become so annoyed and confused. You will not be able to wear clothes that “shows off” your figure in fear the public will judge you. Probably, not only because you think you are too fat for their eyes but also part of you knows, people are judging you for being too unhealthy and gaunt looking. AND also that you ARE too thin. You won’t be able to fit into your favourite clothes. Clothes will only be hanging loosely off you, saggy and ugly. You will start needing stuff just to hold those clothes up. Dresses start looking baggy and too big (even when they are already the smallest size). Shorts or jeans becomes too loose. You start to lose the shape of your breast and your ass. Your curves starts disappearing. Your body that should be developing into a appealing curvy attractive figure gets stucked with the kiddy looking body. A stick, unappealing figure. Probably you can even be compared with a stick insect. Bones that juts out stick uncomfortably out. You can’t sit down on the floor or any hard surfaces comfortably. Even placing you elbow on your table hurts. Bruises start appearing everywhere and you gotta start wearing long sleeves or pants to hide them. You will start having no energy to do anything. You become yellow and pale looking. You cannot sleep well, and easy chores become hard. Baking? If it once was what you liked doing, becomes your fear. You beautiful long/short luscious hair starts falling out and it becomes so dry and frizzy like a broomstick. Relationships doesn’t matter anymore. You start losing interest with the opposite sex, which is so ironic. When in the first place you may be losing weight so that you can attract the opposite sex, longing for love and a relationship. You start rejecting dates or outings with friends because of the fear of FOOD. Or the matter about not having anything to wear since everything in your closet is just too huge or too small (ED thinking). You can’t even go to the beach for fear of wearing clothes that will “expose” you. You can’t go for physical ones because you have no energy to. You don’t dare to go to movies with them cause you cannot sit still or worse, stop thinking about food when just nearby you everywhere, there’s bags of popcorns, nachos and soda. You lose social life and soon, even your friends. Isolation is too common with an eating disorder. All you want to do is stay at home and avoid everything. You family starts to see those changes in you and realise your weird habits. They start putting pressure for you to change, thinking that your problem is nothing like an addiction and can be changed overnight. You fear a life without ED, you fear that once you get well, there will be too much time, an overabundance of it. You got too used to the old lifestyle and you abhor change. You cannot get rid of those chains you restrained on yourself.
Now, do you still want such a lifestyle? One that is so fucking shitty? Being skinny won’t solve a thing. Its just going to bring you even more trouble and frustrations. Accept yourself for who your are, accept yourself for whatever shape and size or weight you are. People like you based on your inner personality, not on your looks or size. Put yourself in their shoes! Do you judge others on their looks? Or their personality.

Motivation, Activities

Hey Readers, 

Just an update about what I have been doing. Nothing much but I just want to post a question to all others and see how you guys are responding. I really don't have anything to do at home and I really don't know what to do. 

I don't know what to do, for leisure, I mean.

Any nice movies/tv shows/documentaries to watch to kill time?

Are there any nice and interesting games to do or would there be an activity that is a little time consuming (Because i got the time of the world)

Food Porn. Home cooked & Hawker Fare.

Some food pictures to entertain you guys!

Most of these are actually home cooked but I packed it in a styrofoam box so that I can bring it to work. But, some of them are bought from outside.

Take care to all my readers. Love you guys and stay strong in this recovery process. I am not telling you that it's easy but I am gonna tell you it's worth it. 

There are good and bad days!

PERFECTIONISTIC

I haven't really posted in a while. Maybe, just something for you guys to take a break away from me.

Today, I decide to talk about family and how it has been affecting my family and in all ED patients. I realized that most ED patients are often characterized to be someone who used to be very obedient, independent and filial. But, after the ED overcame them, they have took a turn for the worse and all that they do is fight, quarrel and arguing with their family. The family is also shocked and astonished to how the ED can overwhelm and dominate the entire family.

ED patients are often characterized as perfectionistic and they want everything to go in their way. They are very rigid but they definitely don't have any ill intentions or what not. People haven't realized that they are purely innocent, and sometimes what they want is just some attention, love, care and concern. But, sometimes, family members also fail to see them as the real them rather than the ED self. They just know that "Oh, she is sick so whatever she says doesn't make sense" That can be rather daunting for the patient because they would feel so inferior and so looked down upon which would further decrease their self esteem. In fact, such comments only have negative consequences.

I know that most of us have always been seen as the perfect child and someone who wouldn't make their parents worry. But, I think sometimes we are too tired being the goody-goody child and being neglected due to the fact that parents think we are mature enough.

Maybe we just lack the attention, the unconditional love, the showering concern and most importantly, confidence. We feel that whatever we do is imperfect and we HAVE, NEED to change them to satisfy or please others.

But, ultimately, we aren't doing what we want to do. We are simply living the lives of others.

Values.

I don't know what's up with blogger nowadays but I can't upload pictures.

Ugh, really getting on my nerves. Does anyone there also suffering from the same thing. I need to upload pictures rather than just wordings and more boring posts by yours truly.

Anyway, how have you guys been? I think maybe today, I want to talk about the different values that we hold to ourselves. All of us have different values, I believe. I think it is really necessary for us to know what we want and therefore, such values shape our actions and really define who we really are.

I think one such exercise that is really useful to use is to list down the various values that you feel are important to you and ask yourself whenever the ED steps in, ask him/her whether they are able to let you accomplish such values to shape you to the beautiful person you wanna be.

Yeah, I just want to motivate all of us to tell you guys that recovery is possible and it's definitely worth it. Maybe because today is a good good day which explains my positive tone. But, be it positive or negative day, just keep pushing forward and it really is worth it.

Some local food delicacies that I have tried and would definitely try more of this :)

Mindfulness.

Hello all,

Today I want to talk about mindfulness. Just happened to find it really interesting and I find it particularly tough for people with eating disorders. Most of us are often too starved/obsessed with food to the point that we disregard everything else and we become somewhat un-mindful about our surroundings and what's happening around.

What is mindfulness, you might ask.

It is actually staying in the present moment and just be aware of your surroundings and actions.

I know its easier said than done. Staying in the present moment and really feeling what you should and not avoiding the negativities, that's really a tough task to do. But, nonetheless, if we set our mind to it, I am sure any of us are able to do that too.

Due to the fact that we are malnourished and obsessed about our weight, appearance, food, calories, etc, we become too preoccupied with the fact that we ignore and neglect other more important things around us. Sometimes, what it takes is just realization.

We have to realize what we are genuinely missing out. We have to realize what other people are lacking of. We have to realize how fortunate we are, and not harping on things that we don't have. We have to realize that there are stronger people out there fighting tougher battles and yet not giving up, so who are we to give up? We have to realize that everything happens for a reason. We have to realize that sometimes, tough times are meant for tough and strong people to handle, so we shouldn't succumb to such setbacks and define yourself based on one off incident. We have to realize that there are so many things out there, waiting for us to explore. We have to realize how inhumane the eating disorder has evolved us into, and quickly take a step back to correct our mistakes.

I guess, that is about it. If there is anything you would like to share about mindfulness, feel free to leave a comment.

This is a short video that teaches you how to slowly relax your mind and let your thoughts distant away from you. You have to realize that such practice might come tough at the first try, but it would improve overtime. :)

Post-Fight

Hi all,

Although there aren't really people reading this blog like everyday, I still want to make it a point to journal down my thoughts and stuff. Just to let myself be on track and know what I am doing.

Of course, as you can see that I am able to blog, that goes to show that I didn't really did what I planned, that is to run away of course. Hmm, after some persuasion, I realized that I might even be adding fuel to the oil when in actual fact I might not get admitted so why bother?

Another thing is of course, the fact that I don't know why but I felt really indebted to my parents and felt that what they did for me could never outweigh what the ED do for me (did it do anything productive/caring).
-In my mind-
Devil: I DID SO MUCH FOR YOU. I GAVE YOU THE CONTROL THAT YOU WANT, I GAVE YOU THE SKINNY LIFE THAT YOU WANT, I GAVE YOU THE (...) 

Me: Yeah, you give me nothing else but just bullshit and crap. Go rot in hell.

So, I guess that is all about it. If there is anything I can do to help, please email me at anorexicrecovery@gmail.com or you can also leave a comment on my blog!

Here's up some food photos, although it might not look appetizing. So, if there is anything that you want me to also share or talk about, feel free to comment!

Thanks buds, so here goes some food porn :)
Oops, blogger seems to not allow me to post my food porn. Till the next time then, will try to figure out what's wrong with this photo uploader.

Ciaos.