Monday 23 December 2013

Any similar incidents?

I just know that I need to get out of this freaking shit hole, and how do I achieve that?

I just have to act my way outta here. I can feel the fats sinking in, I can feel everything getting
tighter, I can feel my illness going away but somehow I am paranoid of letting go.

I am really scared of letting go, I am afraid to lose this battle.
But I dont even know the battle that I am trying to beat too.

Have anyone felt similarly before?

Sunday 22 December 2013

PICTORIAL











Some of them are pretty outdated but wtv, dont really care. Cos I doubt anyone really reads this blog.

Friday 13 December 2013

Random Post

Guess trying to beat and defeat something that is so magically insane right up your mind is just so taxing, be it physically or mentally.

"You shouldn't be the one fighting this alone, we are all in this together"

- This is just some kind of bull shit that I just want to shove it into their face. Because they havent been there and they think its some easy feat to just pull off recovery as if we want to remain sick (okay maybe thats what I want).

But up till now I still don't know what are the reasons to continue being sick.
1. Maybe its for attention.
2. Maybe I genuinely love being skinny.
3. Maybe I love feeling cold all the time.
4. Maybe I just don't want to grow up. (without menses, you aren't a full complete woman just as what they say and they make it sound like women are considered blood producing mammals of the world)
5. Maybe I just want to skip school.
6. Maybe I just want to avoid reality and rather shove it down under the carpet and never to face it ever again.

Yeah, this is just something that I have come up with, in an impromptu situation like right now but if you guys have any more ideas or any more reasons as to why someone with ED would want to continue being sick, comment below and I would include them.

Just want to let all of you know that you guys arent alone in this and I will always battle this with you guys. We might know each other personally but trust me, I have been through the toughest phases of recovery and it hasnt been a single bit smooth sailing but things get better,

Trust me, for once, at least that I am not lying over the fact that the rainbow has to come only after the storm and furthermore, this is scientifically proven.

Maybe whenever I have the time I would then choose to post more food porn pictures of my bp sessions, sigh but I dont take picture of my purge unlike some others who like to take photo of their purge, i just find it so weird.

Saturday 7 December 2013

Please stop.

Please stop making my life miserable.
Please stop making me anxious around food.
Please stop making me upset over eating an extra mouthful.
Please stop making me feel guilty after every binge purge session.
Please stop making me resort to underhand means to get what I want to binge on.
Please stop making the binge episodes rule over my life.
Please stop making me addicted to this purging.
Please stop telling me that this will be the last time (because both you and I know that it will never be the last as much as we always say this is the last time).
Please stop telling me lies that with every purge, I am going to get skinnier and when I get skinnier, people will start loving me and I will start being popular.
Please stop feeding me lies that my worth is based on the number on the scale.
Please stop pushing people away from my social life.
Please stop this comparison with other people when I am not even done with my own self care.

Just stop, please.

Friday 29 November 2013

ANOTHER rant

I should have just left and never came back.
I dont want to come back, I dont want to continue with this screwed up life.

My life can be as screwed up as you can think I am serious and I am not kidding.

People always ask me why I bring this upon myself and sometimes I also ask myself
why do I have to change this to something that is so troublesome for myself.

I think I cant emphasize this enough but oh well.

SHUDDUP

Thinking about everything in life, I think I feel really desperate.

I don't know how to convey my feelings or sentiments, either through words or actions.
Being able to talk to others and telling them to think positive, its gonna be like a hypocrite.

I have promised myself to keep quiet as of now 10pm of 29/11/2013.

Starting from tomorrow, I shall just keep mum and keep my mouth shut and just suck it up.

Keep thinking about all these just make tears drop and drop endlessly.

Please stop, brain. You have ruined me enough.

Thursday 28 November 2013

FML

My best friend found out that I lied to her. I didnt do it intentionally.

I just didn't want to affect her. Maybe another reason I didnt want to let her know its because
I know that it isnt doing myself good as well (being more selfish no?) because I know that I am
gaining w but she is outside losing w.

Maybe that's why I contemplated telling others because I know I am going to get so triggered by
them having the freedom outside and thus, being able to restrict/BP and lose all the weight and yet I
am made to gain past my hw.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

Can someone advise me what to do?

Please let me know whether I should continue talking or communicating with my friends.

I dont have much friends already.

Thursday 21 November 2013

HIATUS AND BACK AFTER SO LONG.

I guess I have been on hiatus for quite some time.

Got really bad with my eating disorder behaviours, almost got sent over to the hospital
but luckily, I managed to get away with it.

Been binging and purging and restricting and all.

Urgh, really hate this constant cycle.

Anyway, there are various photos that I want to upload of my binge food also :D











Tuesday 15 October 2013

Where has that person went to?

I have always been the good girl in the family, where has that girl went to?

Can somebody find that person again? Please I beg you.

Now I can finally understand why someone would want to return to where they have begun and never stepped into this shit eating disorder because its such an unhealthy obsession and addiction and you really never understand how much shit this would be unless you are in this shit.

I can never find anyone who would tolerate and continue talking to me because everyone gets sick of my lies, my stories, my pathetic sympathetic cries for help. 

Everybody just blames it on me and only me. 

Is that person really me? Or is that the illness?
And if it really is the illness, can I ask it to simply fuck off my life?

Hiatus for a long time.

I doubt anyone still reads this blog.

Anyway, this holidays have been pretty happening.

Got admitted recently and wanted to start afresh the moment I get discharged but all in all, I just want to declare here that it has been a failure. It hasnt been that easy as I thought it would be,

I know this is getting repetitive but I really don't understand why can't I let go of something that's hurting myself, my family and those around me so badly. Can someone just advise me on why cant I let go?

Even if not for myself, at least for those around me.

Anyway, I just had lunch and I suspect my dad added rice for me. Which explains my fucking sky high anxiety and fucking depressed mood now.

FUCK THIS SHIT, I REALLY HAVE HAD ENOUGH. WHEN CAN I BE NORMAL AGAIN.

Friday 23 August 2013

Addiction

Sometimes, I ask myself whether I am addicted to being sick and wonder how sick that is.

How ironic is this seriously, I really hate this feeling of being so reliant on something so external and
fake to look for support (emotional/physical) and identity. It is as if the real me doesn't exist.

Oh, wait, it really doesn't exist.

I haven't found my real self in a while. It is really tiring and I feel like giving up.

I think I have said this so many times but I havent mustered the courage to really do what I am
planning at the back of my mind.

Rant.

I don't really know who reads my blog but oh well, thanks for making me feel a tiny weeny bit better everyday I see that the page views increase because that means that there are people reading this worthless place that I usually rant. Thank you guys <3

Okay, back to the real topic, I am feeling like shit because I feel so alone.

It's not just alone, it is being alone in a crowded room. That kind of feeling where you see everyone
around you just together and you are the only one being left out, being ostracized to one corner,
where everyone of different walks of life could just click with each other, but just leaving you the only
socially awkward one there as if you are transparent.

That is how I feel every moment, its as if people don't want to include me in everything and that my presence doesn't matter at all. I don't even know why I exist and why I choose to live on.

It is not only difficult to handle the life in Singapore as a student. But adding to all these challenges, are the challenges that the ED post to my life and the DEPRESSION monster, its just making things a million times
worse than it used to be.

Sorry this is such a mundane post but I just wanted to rant, maybe its because of the lack of friends which explain why I don't have anyone to rant to. Its just me and .... me.


Photos can really tell a million words. I just feel that I have to take photo of it lest the moment becomes just gone that way, and I am so afraid that one day I might suffer from dementia. I can feel that now, like I constantly forget about many things and when I say many things, I really mean many things. 




Last but not least, to everyone out there reading this worthless and stupid blog
(but you guys are still awesome alright?), 
THIS PICTURE IS FOR YOU GUYS

Thursday 22 August 2013

A little food only la

Quite shocked that people read my blog but I should really start posting more food pictures.



Some kind of pan fried radish cake, you can fry it on your own too.

Quite fun frying them though!



Another hawker food that I like: Otah!

It is basically fish meat (processed) but nonetheless, delicious.
Sometimes, it can get too spicy but I still like it. You can choose to eat it plain or with bread, it tastes good either way!! Down it with a cup of milo beng (ICE MILO) and there you go, Singapore Unique Taste!



Another pumpkin bread that my children's mother made. She is indeed a baker and a cook.

HAHAH, IF I LIVE WITH HER, I WILL BECOME FATTYBOMBBOMB! LOL

Wednesday 21 August 2013

Holiday mood.

I saw that my stats are increasing, yay!

That means more people are reading my boring life, muhahahahhah dk why too.

Yeah, but anyway, it's been pretty bored.

Today, my therapist referred my relationship with the ED akin to a relationship of a wife with an abusive husband. I find that so true. Come to think of it, the ED abuses us but we still continue sticking to it. Don't you find it strange? Normal human beings tend to want to get well but this ED doesn't want us to get well, get that irony of this illness?

It just kind of daunt upon me how scary this ED hides itself.

Now see, the ED makes you feel that he/she/it is the only one there for you when everyone leaves you in the lurch but have you ever dig deep down to find out the root cause of why are people leaving your life/there are lesser people in your social circle?

YES, ITS BECAUSE OF THE ED.
IT HAS TOO MANY RULES THAT DOESNT CONFORM WITH THE NORM AND THAT IS WHAT MAKES YOU ABNORMAL AND THUS, UNABLE TO FIT IN WITH THE CROWD.

THERE ARE MANY THINGS THAT WE DO THAT WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY ARE WE DOING BUT WE CONTINUE DOING, BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE COMMANDS OF THE ED.

The ED causes the trouble and then, becomes very smart and secretive to come back in to act as the "HERO" to save you from solitude/feeling lonely.
It is smart, manipulative, secretive, malicious, greedy and everything else that you can describe someone who has just done an illegal act.

These are just some of the stuff and thoughts that have been in my mind today, it's been tough battling this internal struggle but trust me, it takes practice. The voice would tame down, one day. Just one day, wait till you see me beat you off the ass.

Tuesday 20 August 2013

Few food photos to entice my blog

Some food porn yeah, havent been updating this blog with pictures.
So here comes.

myloveisladyfingers.

OKAY THIS IS SO GLUTTONISH. HAHAH

No one there.

Sometimes, when i reflect back and think what the hell am I doing outta this fucking life (wait, its not even considered a life) and then I immediately get the strong urge to want to recover.

But that last for less than a second, or rather millisecond. It gets so tough to maintain that motivation, especially when nobody realizes and you feel so lost and alone in your own world.

You don't tell your school mates because you don't want them to judge you.
You don't tell your parents because you know that they will scold you and might send you for treatment or what not.
You don't tell your friends (other than school mates) because they haven't been there before so they don't know how it feels to be in your position.
You don't tell anyone.

The only one you talk to is yourself but sometimes, you don't even know what you are saying.

Repeatedly, I tried telling myself that the only way out of feeling shitty is to recover.
But whenever I am on a "good" day of recovery, something/someone just has to be there to remind me of how fat, unworthy, imperfect, useless and all the negative things about me.

Yes, I know my flaws and I know I have been saying "i know" but not doing a thing to change.
IFUCKINGKNOWIT. ITS REALLY TIRING AND THE NEXT DAY ALL AND THE ONLY THING YOU WANT TO DO IS TURN TO THIS PERFECT FRIEND, THE ED.

It just comforts you with its presence that you are totally engulfed by it. You don't get reminded of anything else and they just ask you to "follow me" and you quietly listened because you have no one else by your side. They are the only one who understand you, the only one who was there for you when no one else was.

They are there 24/7 and that is what makes them so powerful in your life.



Learning to let go is tough, but sometimes, listening to that voice might even be tougher.

Friday 16 August 2013

Update, nothing much.

It has definitely been a while since I posted. I have always been dragging posts after posts.

Typing them and end up deleting them for fear that they get judged but well again, nobody really reads it anyway. I don't really know why am I caring so much.

Okay, so lets update myself about how have things been?
Hmm, say its been pretty much the same or much worse and much more screwed up. It hasnt been a easy road going to school acting like nothing is wrong with me when the whirlpool of thoughts at the back of my mind is traumatizing and annoying. It has been difficult to hide everything and when I dont have anyone to speak to, who do I turn to?

FOOD. Yes, you are fucking right.

The only thing that I can control.
It can ruin my entire day or it could just brighten my entire day.

Fuck this shit.
I wish I could get out of this cycle.

XT, I feel you and I would give a million dollars to have your courage.

Saturday 3 August 2013

Rant again. Fuck

I am feeling depressed as hell. 
My uncle and auntie just came up to lecture me. Okay wait you haven't seen or heard the whole story. 

1. We had a normal Saturday but just a tinge of uniqueness. My uncle booked a MBS hotel room for us to see the fireworks. So yeah, that is kinda like different for us so yeah. And then, my sister will go tuition with my cousin and my mum would go with me instead, with my grandparents. 
2. Off we go and have lunch. Lunch was fine, felt that I eat too much urgh without p-ing so kinda anxious already. And plus getting really irritated by my grandma because she keeps asking me to eat and all. And keep pushing me to eat. Urgh, the ed just keeps telling me that she wants me fat and she wants me to eat more than her. 
Plus, my uncle keep scolding and say "if I am ah dear (my father), I wouldn't care about her at all, useless la. she 3 years already still the same no point la!" 
3. Wah I already damn useless and shitty feeling already and then they had to plunge down another reality. Oh I didn't see my sister eat so it means she didn't eat. 
4. When we reached there, I realised that I have to do CSE video filming. So thereforec I have to ask someone to film for me and not only that, I also have to have a QUIET environment. That's almost impossible in a party environment like MBS hotel. So yeah, kinda attaining the impossible. 
Made some shows for my grandma to watch and all. And then, I followed by to do all my work other than CSE. Realising the urgency of it, I texted dad t ask where he is and he said he is on his way. I just needed him to film for me. So yeah, then my uncle came and said that my auntie say they just left Tampines so I was so pissed and I texted my dad and say why you lie to me about the fact that you are reaching when in fact you had just set off from home. 
5. Despite all these complaints, I realised that I can't wait further so I hid myself in the closet and start filming myself for the video. 
6. Wow they finally arrived. I started just being really alright but got a little anxious cos I actually was hoping that the snacks get grabbed by my sister. But she appeared rather nonchalant about it. So kinda like bleh. 
7. And then the drama starts, my unclle went down to buy lottery and decided to go together with my auntie to Amoy street to buy dinner. The original plan was that we take MRT to somewhere to have dinner but alas they had that decision. And I was kinda paranoid because then I wouldn't know when to take, and like the timings are pretty screwed up. 
8. So I was kinda like hoping that there would be some news and there really was. My uncle went down at like 6.30 to fetch them up. Wow when they came up, I was like fuck, the rice was humongous and then the dishes were so little. If you know me, you would know that I love dishes. Yeah so they bought two packs of plain rice and two packs of fried rice and the rest had some like duck rice and char siew rice and sort. Then that one whole packet of rice was for me. When they served it on the plate, there was like two humps there. So I was very very afraid already. Urgh and my sister ate so little. Worst, my grandma just grab like 1/4 of the rice and gave the rest to my dad and then my aunt (the skinny one who went to buy all the dinner) ate merely 1/4 of the fried rice and some duck meat. And she said she is full. Urgh, I am so pissed. 
9. My grandma and aunt eating totally pisses me off. So when they started talking to me after my dinner, I ignored or just have the eye rolling session (behind their backs). 
10. And lastly they continued the gossiping and all until 8 plus. Like hello I have exams in 2 weeks time. So I am more than ever determined to burn the midnight oil tonight because I wanted to show them what I could do since they wanted me to go to the hotel. 
11. Go home. On car, texted auntie about why was I angry. 
12. They replied and really angry and said that she was going supper. I said I didn't see so I can't believe. 
13. They came up and come to lecture me. All I heard was
- "how old are you and you are still crying over that extra grains of rice."
- "three years already and I am still telling you the same thing" 
- "if you want someone's life, just tell them. Don't torture them."
- "I have been observing you, you are just fake."
- "shed what tears? No use shedding those tears because I can foresee myself coming here again doing the same speech."

Wednesday 24 July 2013

Hiatus

Haven't blogged in a while and j guess no one reads this blog too but yeah. Been struggling with many emotional breakdowns. Just so pissed with myself and everything that I have done 

Sometimes I don't know what I want that's why i do different things at times and it is just so contradictory towards each other. Like sometimes I just wanna stop those destructive behaviour and then the voice just comes and I have to listen to it. 

And then the next moment I think of someone who loves me so dearly and the only person I live for (D) and then I know that what j am doing is wrong and sometimes, only sometimes, I will stop those thoughts from overwhelming and overcoming me but other than that, if D is not here like physically here with me, I don't think I can ever do it. That shows how reliant I am on D. And it's really not a healthy relationship, especially for someone my age. 

Stop these thoughts, please. Someone, can you control the monster? Not those outside, but the domineering one inside and within. 

Friday 5 July 2013

HELP.

Hello strangers,

I know nobody really read my blog but this is just another avenue for me to rant.
Anyway, things have been sort of the same as the previous time that I have blogged except for the
fact that things have been super rocky with family relationships and all.

I don't know what is wrong but I think it stems from my parents expectations from me, my
ED comparison with my sister, my sister hatred towards my illness and me and the financial
status of my parents and family as a whole. I don't even know whether it is right to call it a family
because it doesn't even feels like one.

It's been a tough road everyday, battling the internal struggles whether to r/b/p/e. My life is usually
revolved around the first 3. It's tough telling myself to do what any typical teenager would do.
I don't even know what am I living for. I bet many of you feel the same way but when I feel this way,
the only avenue that I have to seek for comfort and reassurance is through FOOD.

Sigh, this is just more of a general blog post rather than it targeting towards anyone/anything.
But I do have something to add - if any readers happen to read this post to the end, please tell me
how to stop comparing. I have to stop this bad habit of mine because it's tearing my life and my family
life apart. It's tearing the relationship between me and my sister. It is already torn apart and not only am I not trying to mend things, but I seem to be adding oil to the fuel.

Sunday 30 June 2013

Hiatus.

I haven't blogged for a long time, sigh. It's as if my life has ce to a standstill where the same cycle repeats itself everyday. Like I will BP and then BP and then BP, it's really scary. The amounts I eat, the money I spend, the money I waste, the time I waste, the other sacrifices of homework .. 

It's scary as fuck, trust me. 
I haven't been able to open up to anyone  except E. she is the only one there for me. I shall dedicate a post to her later. Anyway, the friendship haven't been a smooth one like all other things in my life. Anyway I doubt anyone reads my blog so yeah. Just some updates with some food porn! Messy and all, cos this was some binges. 

Sunday 9 June 2013

RANT (Lengthy one)

I think everyone is getting sick and tired of me, even I am getting sick and tired of myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, I am up for two weeks break from the hectic school but somehow, i would rather that there be school. Weird, don't ya think?

Yeah, I feel weird that as a teenager I would want to go to school.
I don't think any normal teenager would even feel that fucking way not even for 1 second.

We had a huge fight today at home, and I vowed to E that I would freaking kill myself tomorrow. But, then again, who would believe what I say since I have never done it. It's just all talk without any action. I know I don't have the courage and all, that is why nobody wants to believe me.

My parents were talking about how tired they were over my ED life, and all the time, they just hurled various hurting comments again and again. It is tiring hearing that from your "parents". They told me that it is all your ED talking and they just pointed fingers and fingers and start slapping me and start pulling me. They kicked me and threw/flunk the whole computer on my leg, I can swear my life on this. They didn't apologize.

But then again, I would rather they hit and beat me and all rather than scold me and put me down like someone that is so insignificant in their life. They can never understand how much I am struggling, really. IT'S EVERY FUCKING SECOND, MINUTE, HOUR OR MY LIFE. THE ED HAS NEVER LEFT MY MIND. BE IT R, B, P, SH, E AND ALL IT HAS NEVER FUCKING LEFT MY MIND AND I DOUBT IT WILL EVER LEAVE MY MIND.

Here is a interesting "conversation" with my sister.
S: You know what, just don't shout to your mother, seriously because she is your mother.
Me: Yeah, then what about you? Why can you shout at me when you are younger than me?
S: That is because you are wrong, you have been wrong for 3 years and we are sick and tired of your nonsense. It is an everyday battle to come home and be prepared to fend ourselves for your sudden tantrums or what not. All of us have a life and the only one who doesn't have a life, is you.
Me: Wow, thanks.
S: No, seriously. I  am saying the truth. Every moment of your life is so consumed by your ED sick thoughts like what to eat, what are others eating, what am I not allowed to eat, why must I be skinny, why am I so fat.
Me: - TOTAL LOSS FOR WORDS -

What she say is so true and so exact and so accurate but why do I continue doing it, despite me knowing the no-life-ness that I am leading. Someone, please advise me what am I supposed to do.
Should I give up in life or should I continue leading this losing battle?

Friday 31 May 2013

Rant, again. For the 10034840382902593 time

What am I supposed to do?

Everything is just so screwed up. Just got a fight with my parents.
But, see what this un-filial "daughter" is thinking. The only thing that i am thinking is "Yay, they are out of the house and I can do whatever I want without their supervision."
I am just wanting to b/p the whole way through. It is part of venting my anger and my frustration.

I gained weight and that is something that I want last to fucking screw up this weekend.

Why do I have to be such a fat whale and still surviving in this fucked up world?
This is so screwed up, nothing else is gonna work out.

Not wanting to seek attention but I really really want someone who is 24/7 always there to shower me with love, care and concern. Maybe, that is a robot or something, because I am human and I know that its impossible to stay by someone's side the whole time.

Some food porn for you guys.
Btw, this are the normal meals that are within the supervision of my parents. That means that I can't purge all this so the only way is to stick with safe choices.



What am I supposed to do next week when it is Common Test and my parents don't know that it is just no school and just going to school to take the paper?
Because I am sure that I will BP once I am free. Its taxing and annoying and expensive. HOW?

I miss you, W.

I really miss the W.
I really miss the sense of security it gave, although it might be false.
I really miss the love that I felt there that I have never felt elsewhere. Although we are strangers, you guys loved me more than how my loved ones would do.
I really miss the food there, undoubtedly. I know it might seem rather ridiculous for someone like me to like the food there. But, trust me, it really is nice. As much as I want to deny it, it really is the best thing ever.
I miss the times with the girls when we would all crowd around and start bitching about other anti-recovery people and talking about those annoying nurses.
I miss the times when we would all secretly look forward to 8am, 12pm, 6pm for all the meals.
I miss the times when we look forward to the trolley man coming to the ward and delivering the food.
I miss the times when we would complain about the temperature of the drinks/supplements.
I miss the times when we would get ready to bathe after the permitted time.
I miss the times when we see nurses catch some naughty patients cheating (those that we dont like though)
I miss the times when we have to get weighed every Monday. As much as we hate to know the weight, we know it determines our schedule for the rest of the week.
I miss the times when we had to sit in the activity room/nurses counter after meals to distract ourselves.
I miss the times when we could just talk and not care about everything happening in the external world, and just caring about what's up for the next meal.
I miss the times that we would only think about whether we had fish already or whether the texture of the oats are smooth/sweet/bland or whether our egg was runny/hard-boiled/soft-boiled/raw/uncooked or whether there were more gravy today or whether our banana was bigger than others.
I miss the times when we had those purple or pink cups with our supplements inside.
I really miss the W.

Sister, well, again.

Sorry for the lack of posts but I have really been quite busy due to school and all.

Anyway, I haven't been doing the best and I know I am quite in deep shit if the hospital were to do blood checks on me, with my potassium level shooting up rocket high standards or maybe my sodium and electrolytes are also fucked up.

I am really so pissed off with myself for not being able to lose any weight. Saying that I am pissed, disappointed, upset over my current weight is totally an understatement to what I am feeling now.

I can't condemn my whale body right now and seeing my sister crumbling down to her frail self everyday is not helping. Seriously. She comes back late at night without having to eat her dinner with us, and wakes up earlier than usual despite it being her holidays.

God knows what she is doing, seriously.

I bet she must be skipping meals outside or what not. I am so so so unlucky to have such a triggering sister like her. UGHHH, can anyone teach me some distraction tips because I really do need them since I am having my common tests in another week, and I can't keep focusing on what she is eating and what she isn't. That is frustrating and I swear to you that I really really want to stop this behaviour. I want to stop counting how many bites she is taking, and how long have she been outside, her calorie intake and her calorie expenditure. I am so so so tired of this fucked up life that isn't even mine.

Saturday 11 May 2013

I am so triggered by my auntie. She eats so little. No wonder she is skinny like bamboo 

Wednesday 1 May 2013

Update.

Haven't been blogging in a while but I just wanna update on readers (though I know there aren't) I am just so pissed off at myself for lacking the courage to end this life. I wanna see how many people would be laughing and gloating their way due to the absence of mine. I hate the fact that I am still alive. Where else can I rant when I am judged everywhere? Practically everywhere you know. I feel so fucked up. I am sorry for being such a failure. I don't know what to do for everything anymore. What's there to live for?

Wednesday 24 April 2013

What should i do?

How have you guys been? I haven't been speaking to you guys in a while. I miss you guys but I doubt you guys miss me but here goes!
I am gonna have an appointment tomorrow with the doctor and I don't know what to expect. Somehow I have a really bad hunch. Anyway next Friday is my school 50th anniversary and there's obviously no school but my parents don't know. So I have been thinking and planning my binges & compensating actions.

Any idea or suggestions as to whether I should tell my parents or whatever? Cos sometimes I have been purging to the extent that I feel so giddy and light headed that I am not even sure whether I would survive. Sometimes I am scared of those feelings but sometimes I yearn feeling like that.


So I would really appreciate you guys honest feedback and help! Please comment on what I should do!

Monday 22 April 2013

Someone's post about death and loss

Recently, reported the death of Madam Irene Ong, a woman who was stabbed to death while trying to protect her daughter as their family was jogging through the Bukit Gasing Hiking Trail for a charity run.

Madam Ong pushed her daughter to safety but was sadly stabbed by the suspects.

During her final moment with her daughter, Hui Wei, Madam Ong expressed her love for her daughter, and then passed due to blood loss.

Hui Wei took to her blog to share her side of her story and the fond memories she shared with her mother. It’s certainly a touching story and we hope that you will all go give your mom a telephone call and tell them just how much you love them!

My Mother My Hero

“I remember. I remember everything.

A few months ago in English class, my teacher asked us to write about the person who we admire. I wrote about my mum. A month ago for my English March Test paper, the topic I wrote about was “My Hero”. I wrote about my mum. During my test, i had a writers block so I simply wrote out everything i knew about my mum: her childhood, achievements, etc. My mum is my hero. She always has been, she always will be.

20th April 2013.
Mama left early in the morning for some event her Kiwanis Club’s K-Kids had planned. She came back home with lunch for me and milo ais. I remember grumbling to her because I didn’t want to follow my parents jungle trekking. I did anyway. We had to set up a trail for my father’s running group so mama was carrying a bag with just plain paper in it. I remember grumbling to my mum as we went up and down the hills of Gasing. She told me we’d be out soon. After 2 hours of trekking in the jungle, we finally hit the road. It was the road in Gasing leading up to the temple. We decided to walk back down to the car.

As we walked down the steep road, there was nobody there. No people, no cars. Just the two of us. As we nearly reached the first house, we heard a motorbike sound from behind. We turned around and saw two men on a motorbike. Mama said walk further in the pavement so we did. As the motorbike drove past us, they stopped. The man from behind jumped off. My mum pushed me to the back and told me to go. The man attacked my mum straight away, without saying any words. The knife he used was just a normal kitchen knife, the blade was about 10cm long. As my mum tried to protect herself, she turned to her left, only to be stabbed twice on the back of her right shoulder. She was struggling to escape. The attacker then proceeded to stab the back of her left shoulder. Mama tried so hard to escape. She fell on the ground and the attacker pulled her on the road and stabbed her thigh. I tried to help but the attacker thrusted the knife my way so i ran back further. I couldn’t do anything but scream at the top of my lungs. I screamed and screamed. The attacker hopped on the bike and rode off.

I remember.
I remember watching my mums body lying on the road, all the blood oozing out. The attacker did not manage to get any of my mums belongings. She told me to call my dad. I ran down the hill looking for help. The first house i went to, the maid (who saw everything that happened) ran in and did not even try to help me. I ran further down and saw a car. They saw me and stopped. And I told them what happened. The driver, Mr Lai told me to get in and we drive up to my mum. Mr Lai called the ambulance and the police while i tried to keep my mum conscious. There was blood everywhere. My mum just kept saying “save me”. Her voice was so week. My dad reached the site 10 minutes later, after running all the way. Mama kept telling us that she couldn’t breathe. I prayed and prayed. She was slowly losing herself. We tried our best to keep her awake and conscious. The police arrived. We put her in the police car since the ambulance hadn’t arrived. As we reached down the road, the ambulance was there so they transferred mum into the ambulance.

I remember.
I remember sitting in the ambulance, holding my mums hand and trying to talk to her but she didn’t respond. I remember crying. The paramedics were doing all they could do at that point. I remember calling Eu Lim, who was at church to pray for my mum. We reached the hospital in 3 minutes. They rushed my mum to the emergency was. I wasn’t allowed to enter and i was so so scared. My dad had followed Mr Lai’s car and they hadn’t reached yet. I had to settle my mums registration and then i had to talk to the police. My dad arrived. Then my friends arrived. I sat at the doorway of the hospital, praying and praying. 10 minutes later, my dad came out and told me my mum didn’t make it. I dropped in the middle of the hospital floor, screaming. Everyone was looking at me, but i didn’t care. A bunch of doctors came out to get me, they took me to a special room. They questioned me and they told me about how my mum was already gone when we were in the ambulance. They tried their best to revive her.

I remember.
I remember coming home. My friends just sat in silence. I just sat in silence. I was covered in blood, mama’s blood. I had to get myself together. I had to bathe. We broke the news to my sister through Face Time and that was really hard to do. Slowly, people started coming. It was hard seeing my aunts and uncles cry, my parent’s close friends, my close friends & to know i had to keep it all together. It was really hard, telling my story to everyone. It’s really hard to even close my eyes for awhile because i see it replaying in my head over and over again. Watching my mum lying in her pool of blood and not being able to do anything. Not being able to save her.

People come, then people leave. All i hear are “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “my condolences”. All i hear are people questioning me about what happened, since i was the sole witness. But i am so tired of telling this story over and over again. I am so tired of hearing other people tell this story. This is my story. This is the truth. Newspapers and reporters may twist it around and exaggerate to the whole world, but this story will remain the truth forever.

I am truly grateful and appreciative to everyone who came, whether it was for a short period, or a long time. Thank you to those who’ve brought a little bit more of hope and joy to me, even though you guys didn’t try. Thank you to those who’ve brought food and drinks, and flowers. Thank you to everyone who called, texted, whatsapped, facebook-ed and tweeted me. I dont know how i became a trending topic overnight (#prayforhuiwei). I was mad at first, but then i realised how much my family had all of your love and support. Whether i know you or not, whether you knew my mum or not, all your kind words really helped. My mother was such an amazing and beautiful person.

I remember.
My mum’s last words to me were “I love you so much” dying there, on the road. I watched it all. I watched it all slip out of my hands. Now my life feels so empty. I keep thinking to myself that this is all a dream. Maybe I’d wake up and be able to avoid this from happening. Maybe if someone pinched me I’d wake up from this nightmare. But this is reality, and I have to face the facts. I have to face the fact that I’m alone now. I have to face the sounds of crying and wailing from the other room. I have to face the facts that I’m going to grow up motherless, clueless and confused. It won’t be easy, but I will get through this.

Ma,
I love you so much. And I am so sorry I had to watch you die. I am so sorry I couldn’t save you. But you’re with God now. Ma you’re such a great person. Beautiful inside and out. And I thank you for teaching me your ways. Thank you for always teaching (scolding) me to be a better person. Even tho we’ve had our moments, and times we didn’t see eye to eye, you’ll always be my best friend. Who’s going to pick me up from school now. Who am I going to say “HEY MA” to and tell them about my day. Who’s going to cuddle up with me on the couch and be lazy for awhile.

Ma,
Remember how you used to come into my room while I was studying, and hug me then tickle me. Remember how you used to sing me to sleep when I was young. Or how you used sing when you’re happy. You had a beautiful voice. Remember how we sat on the couch, looking for coloured beads to do arts & crafts. Remember every single day we spent together.

Ma,
I just saw your body, lying in the coffin. You look so beautiful, peaceful, just like you’re sleeping. And I have the biggest urge to scream “wake up”. Thank you,Ma. For giving me life, for giving me love. You taught me everything good in my life. You were always selfless, God-fearing. You were my strong pillar of hope and love. And even though you’re no longer here with us, you’re with God. And you’re happy, just like how you appeared in Lissa’s dream. And I do hope justice will be served. They’re working on finding the criminals, ma. They will be caught.

We all miss you ma, we miss you so much. Goh Ee and Sar Ee has already appointed themselves as my ‘mama’ and I see you so much of you in them. And it’s not going to be the same anymore. Nothing will be the same anymore. You’re not going to watch me graduate, you’re not going to watch me get married. You’re not going to be there to take care of my children. But I know you are with us in spirit, and you’re always watching over us. Please give me the strength and courage to move forward with my life. Please give me the motivation to be better. To be more like you. To spread the love and joy. Papa, Tache and I will always be grateful for you are the biggest blessing God has given. And maybe you’ve done too much good so The Lord called you home. And you are safe now, safe with God. He will watch over you (and us) and protect you. You are safe from all the evil now.

I will make you proud, mama. I will make everyone proud. I love you so much. I’ll love you every single day of my life, and I’ll never forget whatever you’ve done for me. Thank you so much. Rest In Peace, mama, I love you.”



Our hearts go out to Hui Wei and her family.

Friday 19 April 2013

Quotes

"I am very scared to get close to anyone because everyone that says "I will be here for you" left"

- For me, it's different because nobody even wants to get close to me.


For me, there is nothing left to hang in for or nobody to be there for me.


"We can blame it on a lot of things, or we can just admit that we are shit people"

"Be the change you want to see in the world." And that means that I have to leave and there is nothing wrong about it. I don't need any positive words because I know that all are just plastic words.


Death

Hello readers,

I haven't posted in a while but just wanted to let you know a bad news, and that is I am still alive. I bet many people want to see me dead and they can't wait to get rid of me. I want to tell myself that it is alright to die and that I definitely deserve to die so one day, I would.

Trust me, I would really die just for myself and to ease the pain of those around me. Remember that time when I said I wanted to run away, but I didn't. Don't you think that I am a coward like that, trust me. I want to, and can't wait to die. It is just a matter of how, when, where, what, why.

Maybe,
1. How? I have tried cyanide pills, purchasing them online but right now, I just need to lend someone address to deliver those pills over.
2. When? Sometime this year 2013
3. Where? Home/School
4. What? Death
5. Why? For the benefit of those around me (a few)


Tuesday 16 April 2013

I wish I can die now.

when will i be able to take the first step to recovery


None of my parents know about the disorder of mine, none of my family do. They THINK they do.
“Just eat! I don’t know why you can’t just eat.”
“Eating won’t do anything, eat and control!”
“You cannot eat? Its not like you have a mental problem.”
“Since you are so good at this, you should know how to gain. JUST GAIN TO __ and maintain that weight. I don’t care how you do it. Eat whatever you want, go do whatever you want. Just maintain at that weight and I won’t care”
“NO, I won’t let you eat whatever you want. You WILL eat whatever I eat!”
“Is eating that difficult? Why do you have to resort to such bullshit ways”
“You don’t want to get fat? Just go exercise!”
“I know you like to eat, why can’t you just eat and stomach it down?”
“You eat, you sit down. Don’t go doing those funny funny things”
You would want to look nice for CNY and not get those comments right? Then, eat!”
“I don’t want people to think that I am starving my daughter or mistreating her”
“I don’t trust those bullshit doctors. Since all they do in the hospital is look at you eat, I can do it too! I don’t have to WASTE MONEY on them”
“I won’t get you those bars anymore. I think you rely on them too much. If you are hungry, just tell me. I will cook eggs for you.”
“Whats wrong with going out? Cannot spend some family time?”
“Everytime eat bread bread bread, I want to see you eat rice. You keep eating bread, one day you will turn into one”
“You so scared of gaining weight for what? You see us, eat also won’t fat”
“I brought you overseas so that I can make you fatter” 
If you don’t know about it, don’t claim to know.. Recovery is not only about eating or “gaining weight”. In the end, it all comes down to the mindset. I can be at a healthy weight but that doesn’t mean I have a healthy mind. Anorexia/bulimia IS a mental disorder, its not plainly an EATING disorder. Please, you obviously don’t fucking understand, don’t assume you know. Even with my multiple explaining, you are too stubborn and bull-headed to accept those facts. You are even too stubborn to go to my psychologist or psychiatrist to understand further about ED. Whenever I ask you to go, you just say “Im busy, I have to work. Or not where do I get the money to pay for this?” Why don’t you just tell me Im a fucking burden? Then now when I decided to not go for appointments to “save your money” and am relapsing again, you blame it on the ED team for being useless when in fact, I blame myself the most, not them. They helped, I was the one who decided to isolate myself again and go deeper into my eating disorder. You just don’t understand.. You never did.. 

My dear friend tumblr again.


ED ruins your life.
When you get an eating disorder, you might think that you have total control over your life but, you are so wrong. ED takes over that control, and your life becomes this whole stupid cycle obsessed over food, weight and shape. Your social life, friends, family members, studies, fun are all taken away. You spend every single day thinking about food, calories and numbers.. Even when you are skinny, you will be too ashamed to show it to the world. People will not comment about how “good” you look but instead, how sick and gaunt you look, as if death would come collect you soon. You will then become so annoyed and confused. You will not be able to wear clothes that “shows off” your figure in fear the public will judge you. Probably, not only because you think you are too fat for their eyes but also part of you knows, people are judging you for being too unhealthy and gaunt looking. AND also that you ARE too thin. You won’t be able to fit into your favourite clothes. Clothes will only be hanging loosely off you, saggy and ugly. You will start needing stuff just to hold those clothes up. Dresses start looking baggy and too big (even when they are already the smallest size). Shorts or jeans becomes too loose. You start to lose the shape of your breast and your ass. Your curves starts disappearing. Your body that should be developing into a appealing curvy attractive figure gets stucked with the kiddy looking body. A stick, unappealing figure. Probably you can even be compared with a stick insect. Bones that juts out stick uncomfortably out. You can’t sit down on the floor or any hard surfaces comfortably. Even placing you elbow on your table hurts. Bruises start appearing everywhere and you gotta start wearing long sleeves or pants to hide them. You will start having no energy to do anything. You become yellow and pale looking. You cannot sleep well, and easy chores become hard. Baking? If it once was what you liked doing, becomes your fear. You beautiful long/short luscious hair starts falling out and it becomes so dry and frizzy like a broomstick. Relationships doesn’t matter anymore. You start losing interest with the opposite sex, which is so ironic. When in the first place you may be losing weight so that you can attract the opposite sex, longing for love and a relationship. You start rejecting dates or outings with friends because of the fear of FOOD. Or the matter about not having anything to wear since everything in your closet is just too huge or too small (ED thinking). You can’t even go to the beach for fear of wearing clothes that will “expose” you. You can’t go for physical ones because you have no energy to. You don’t dare to go to movies with them cause you cannot sit still or worse, stop thinking about food when just nearby you everywhere, there’s bags of popcorns, nachos and soda. You lose social life and soon, even your friends. Isolation is too common with an eating disorder. All you want to do is stay at home and avoid everything. You family starts to see those changes in you and realise your weird habits. They start putting pressure for you to change, thinking that your problem is nothing like an addiction and can be changed overnight. You fear a life without ED, you fear that once you get well, there will be too much time, an overabundance of it. You got too used to the old lifestyle and you abhor change. You cannot get rid of those chains you restrained on yourself.
Now, do you still want such a lifestyle? One that is so fucking shitty? Being skinny won’t solve a thing. Its just going to bring you even more trouble and frustrations. Accept yourself for who your are, accept yourself for whatever shape and size or weight you are. People like you based on your inner personality, not on your looks or size. Put yourself in their shoes! Do you judge others on their looks? Or their personality.

Quoted from my friend

Mom and Dad, if this is how your view eating disorders think again. It is not as simple as “it can be gone in a day”. And eating disorders are not only because of the fear of “getting fat”. That’s a fucking lie. I know I am a fucking burden to you. I know whatever I do can never meet your expectations. I’m the worse daughter who brings you all the most trouble. Just leave me alone and I’m fine with it. Leave me alone to face those demons alone. If I don’t want to recover just deal with it. I don’t need those psychiatrists nor psychologists since you say they are useless. I don’t need to go for day treatment since it is so fucking expensive. Just leave me the fuck alone to binge or purge or cut or commit suicide. Because I know I’m such a fucking burden and sorry for appearing in your life. Sorry for having an eating disorder. Sorry for not being fat or perfect in your eyes. Sorry for being so useless and weak. Sorry for crying. Sorry for spending all your money away. Sorry for making you have to tell the grannies and relatives that I have something wrong with my head. Thank you for making me not being able to lift my head up to talk to my relatives or grannies again because of the way they will look at me forever. Those “you are sick and you are such a trouble and burden to the family” look. Thank you for all those money spent because no you won’t need to anymore. Because no because I don’t want to be selfish anymore, I will stop treatment, I will stop eating, I will disappear from your sight so that not a single cent will be spent on me anymore.  



I really feel you and if you are reading this, yes you, stay strong and I have faith that your parents will realize how wrong they are and one day they will come back and apologize to you. But that is only if you recover and I believe you can do it.

I love you.

Monday 15 April 2013

Why I want to cling onto the ED

Do you know why sometimes (most of the times) I want to cling onto the ED?

It is because I read that people with ED have strong determination, because they can set themselves to starve, purge, exercise, binge compulsively with a strict routine. They are very determined to lose the weight and nothing gets in their way. So that's why I think that if I give up on my eating disorder, people might think that I am someone without any determination, without any strength and without any willpower. Because I have given up the determination to continue losing weight.

Somehow, the ED determines how determined, how strong I am. I don't want others to see me as weak. I want them to see how strong I am, although in actual fact, I am crumbling deep within. This is something that needs to be changed because I oftentimes reject love whenever it's showered on me.

"We only accept the love we think we deserve."

I feel that I deserve the minimum love because I am not worth it because I am a big, fat, useless, worthless, enormous, stupid, rude, unkind, uncompassionate person.

Anyway, today someone told me something "I think you should lose some weight, you look really FAT since the last time I saw you."

WOW, this is the "best compliment" I received.

Saturday 13 April 2013

Clueless

Sometimes, I don't know what to feel anymore.

Someone, please advise me what to do.

Thursday 11 April 2013

Quoted

Quoted from my dear friend tumblr
"Forever alone

Fuck this. I know im ugly. I know im not pretty. I know I wont ever get anybody. Everybody around me is pretty, petite, tall, slim.. attached. And me? Ugly. Just UGLY. No wonder I never could have a relationship. Haha. Hey ED, come lets party :)"

Says exactly how I feel.

Comments please?

What am I supposed to do with my life

Suicide.

For my dad, so that he doesn't have to deal with such a troublesome daughter.

For my mom, so that she doesn't have to come home to a troubled house and one filled with quarrels.

For my sister, so that she has all the attention from my parents and having a happy family.

For my grandmother, so that she would be proud of showing her relatives the whole family picture without having to feel awkward explaining to them about my illness.

For my friends, (oh wait I don't have any)

For my relatives, so that they wouldn't have to deal with the fat whale on the table and don't have to be afraid that be dishes aren't enough cos I won't be there to eat them.

For food, so that they wouldn't be wasted on a fat pig like me.

For my teachers, so that they wouldn't have to go to the trouble to deal with sch a troublesome student and having to alter the timetable to suit my doctor appointments.

For my classmates, so that they wouldn't have a sick and problematic school mate . And they wouldn't have to go through the trouble to help me take my homework and notes.

For my toilet bowl, so that they would t have to intake my purging.

For my palate so that they won't have to deal with overflowing food for a big whale anorexic.

Friday 5 April 2013

Motivation, Activities

Hey Readers, 

Just an update about what I have been doing. Nothing much but I just want to post a question to all others and see how you guys are responding. I really don't have anything to do at home and I really don't know what to do. 

I don't know what to do, for leisure, I mean.

Any nice movies/tv shows/documentaries to watch to kill time?

Are there any nice and interesting games to do or would there be an activity that is a little time consuming (Because i got the time of the world)



Food Porn. Home cooked & Hawker Fare.

Some food pictures to entertain you guys!








Most of these are actually home cooked but I packed it in a styrofoam box so that I can bring it to work. But, some of them are bought from outside.
Take care to all my readers. Love you guys and stay strong in this recovery process. I am not telling you that it's easy but I am gonna tell you it's worth it. 

There are good and bad days!


Thursday 4 April 2013

PERFECTIONISTIC

I haven't really posted in a while. Maybe, just something for you guys to take a break away from me.

Today, I decide to talk about family and how it has been affecting my family and in all ED patients. I realized that most ED patients are often characterized to be someone who used to be very obedient, independent and filial. But, after the ED overcame them, they have took a turn for the worse and all that they do is fight, quarrel and arguing with their family. The family is also shocked and astonished to how the ED can overwhelm and dominate the entire family.

ED patients are often characterized as perfectionistic and they want everything to go in their way. They are very rigid but they definitely don't have any ill intentions or what not. People haven't realized that they are purely innocent, and sometimes what they want is just some attention, love, care and concern. But, sometimes, family members also fail to see them as the real them rather than the ED self. They just know that "Oh, she is sick so whatever she says doesn't make sense" That can be rather daunting for the patient because they would feel so inferior and so looked down upon which would further decrease their self esteem. In fact, such comments only have negative consequences.

I know that most of us have always been seen as the perfect child and someone who wouldn't make their parents worry. But, I think sometimes we are too tired being the goody-goody child and being neglected due to the fact that parents think we are mature enough.

Maybe we just lack the attention, the unconditional love, the showering concern and most importantly, confidence. We feel that whatever we do is imperfect and we HAVE, NEED to change them to satisfy or please others.

But, ultimately, we aren't doing what we want to do. We are simply living the lives of others.