Why I want to cling onto the ED

Do you know why sometimes (most of the times) I want to cling onto the ED?

It is because I read that people with ED have strong determination, because they can set themselves to starve, purge, exercise, binge compulsively with a strict routine. They are very determined to lose the weight and nothing gets in their way. So that's why I think that if I give up on my eating disorder, people might think that I am someone without any determination, without any strength and without any willpower. Because I have given up the determination to continue losing weight.

Somehow, the ED determines how determined, how strong I am. I don't want others to see me as weak. I want them to see how strong I am, although in actual fact, I am crumbling deep within. This is something that needs to be changed because I oftentimes reject love whenever it's showered on me.

"We only accept the love we think we deserve."

I feel that I deserve the minimum love because I am not worth it because I am a big, fat, useless, worthless, enormous, stupid, rude, unkind, uncompassionate person.

Anyway, today someone told me something "I think you should lose some weight, you look really FAT since the last time I saw you."

WOW, this is the "best compliment" I received.