What should i do?

How have you guys been? I haven't been speaking to you guys in a while. I miss you guys but I doubt you guys miss me but here goes!
I am gonna have an appointment tomorrow with the doctor and I don't know what to expect. Somehow I have a really bad hunch. Anyway next Friday is my school 50th anniversary and there's obviously no school but my parents don't know. So I have been thinking and planning my binges & compensating actions.

Any idea or suggestions as to whether I should tell my parents or whatever? Cos sometimes I have been purging to the extent that I feel so giddy and light headed that I am not even sure whether I would survive. Sometimes I am scared of those feelings but sometimes I yearn feeling like that.


So I would really appreciate you guys honest feedback and help! Please comment on what I should do!

Someone's post about death and loss

Recently, reported the death of Madam Irene Ong, a woman who was stabbed to death while trying to protect her daughter as their family was jogging through the Bukit Gasing Hiking Trail for a charity run.

Madam Ong pushed her daughter to safety but was sadly stabbed by the suspects.

During her final moment with her daughter, Hui Wei, Madam Ong expressed her love for her daughter, and then passed due to blood loss.

Hui Wei took to her blog to share her side of her story and the fond memories she shared with her mother. It’s certainly a touching story and we hope that you will all go give your mom a telephone call and tell them just how much you love them!

My Mother My Hero

“I remember. I remember everything.

A few months ago in English class, my teacher asked us to write about the person who we admire. I wrote about my mum. A month ago for my English March Test paper, the topic I wrote about was “My Hero”. I wrote about my mum. During my test, i had a writers block so I simply wrote out everything i knew about my mum: her childhood, achievements, etc. My mum is my hero. She always has been, she always will be.

20th April 2013.
Mama left early in the morning for some event her Kiwanis Club’s K-Kids had planned. She came back home with lunch for me and milo ais. I remember grumbling to her because I didn’t want to follow my parents jungle trekking. I did anyway. We had to set up a trail for my father’s running group so mama was carrying a bag with just plain paper in it. I remember grumbling to my mum as we went up and down the hills of Gasing. She told me we’d be out soon. After 2 hours of trekking in the jungle, we finally hit the road. It was the road in Gasing leading up to the temple. We decided to walk back down to the car.

As we walked down the steep road, there was nobody there. No people, no cars. Just the two of us. As we nearly reached the first house, we heard a motorbike sound from behind. We turned around and saw two men on a motorbike. Mama said walk further in the pavement so we did. As the motorbike drove past us, they stopped. The man from behind jumped off. My mum pushed me to the back and told me to go. The man attacked my mum straight away, without saying any words. The knife he used was just a normal kitchen knife, the blade was about 10cm long. As my mum tried to protect herself, she turned to her left, only to be stabbed twice on the back of her right shoulder. She was struggling to escape. The attacker then proceeded to stab the back of her left shoulder. Mama tried so hard to escape. She fell on the ground and the attacker pulled her on the road and stabbed her thigh. I tried to help but the attacker thrusted the knife my way so i ran back further. I couldn’t do anything but scream at the top of my lungs. I screamed and screamed. The attacker hopped on the bike and rode off.

I remember.
I remember watching my mums body lying on the road, all the blood oozing out. The attacker did not manage to get any of my mums belongings. She told me to call my dad. I ran down the hill looking for help. The first house i went to, the maid (who saw everything that happened) ran in and did not even try to help me. I ran further down and saw a car. They saw me and stopped. And I told them what happened. The driver, Mr Lai told me to get in and we drive up to my mum. Mr Lai called the ambulance and the police while i tried to keep my mum conscious. There was blood everywhere. My mum just kept saying “save me”. Her voice was so week. My dad reached the site 10 minutes later, after running all the way. Mama kept telling us that she couldn’t breathe. I prayed and prayed. She was slowly losing herself. We tried our best to keep her awake and conscious. The police arrived. We put her in the police car since the ambulance hadn’t arrived. As we reached down the road, the ambulance was there so they transferred mum into the ambulance.

I remember.
I remember sitting in the ambulance, holding my mums hand and trying to talk to her but she didn’t respond. I remember crying. The paramedics were doing all they could do at that point. I remember calling Eu Lim, who was at church to pray for my mum. We reached the hospital in 3 minutes. They rushed my mum to the emergency was. I wasn’t allowed to enter and i was so so scared. My dad had followed Mr Lai’s car and they hadn’t reached yet. I had to settle my mums registration and then i had to talk to the police. My dad arrived. Then my friends arrived. I sat at the doorway of the hospital, praying and praying. 10 minutes later, my dad came out and told me my mum didn’t make it. I dropped in the middle of the hospital floor, screaming. Everyone was looking at me, but i didn’t care. A bunch of doctors came out to get me, they took me to a special room. They questioned me and they told me about how my mum was already gone when we were in the ambulance. They tried their best to revive her.

I remember.
I remember coming home. My friends just sat in silence. I just sat in silence. I was covered in blood, mama’s blood. I had to get myself together. I had to bathe. We broke the news to my sister through Face Time and that was really hard to do. Slowly, people started coming. It was hard seeing my aunts and uncles cry, my parent’s close friends, my close friends & to know i had to keep it all together. It was really hard, telling my story to everyone. It’s really hard to even close my eyes for awhile because i see it replaying in my head over and over again. Watching my mum lying in her pool of blood and not being able to do anything. Not being able to save her.

People come, then people leave. All i hear are “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “my condolences”. All i hear are people questioning me about what happened, since i was the sole witness. But i am so tired of telling this story over and over again. I am so tired of hearing other people tell this story. This is my story. This is the truth. Newspapers and reporters may twist it around and exaggerate to the whole world, but this story will remain the truth forever.

I am truly grateful and appreciative to everyone who came, whether it was for a short period, or a long time. Thank you to those who’ve brought a little bit more of hope and joy to me, even though you guys didn’t try. Thank you to those who’ve brought food and drinks, and flowers. Thank you to everyone who called, texted, whatsapped, facebook-ed and tweeted me. I dont know how i became a trending topic overnight (#prayforhuiwei). I was mad at first, but then i realised how much my family had all of your love and support. Whether i know you or not, whether you knew my mum or not, all your kind words really helped. My mother was such an amazing and beautiful person.

I remember.
My mum’s last words to me were “I love you so much” dying there, on the road. I watched it all. I watched it all slip out of my hands. Now my life feels so empty. I keep thinking to myself that this is all a dream. Maybe I’d wake up and be able to avoid this from happening. Maybe if someone pinched me I’d wake up from this nightmare. But this is reality, and I have to face the facts. I have to face the fact that I’m alone now. I have to face the sounds of crying and wailing from the other room. I have to face the facts that I’m going to grow up motherless, clueless and confused. It won’t be easy, but I will get through this.

Ma,
I love you so much. And I am so sorry I had to watch you die. I am so sorry I couldn’t save you. But you’re with God now. Ma you’re such a great person. Beautiful inside and out. And I thank you for teaching me your ways. Thank you for always teaching (scolding) me to be a better person. Even tho we’ve had our moments, and times we didn’t see eye to eye, you’ll always be my best friend. Who’s going to pick me up from school now. Who am I going to say “HEY MA” to and tell them about my day. Who’s going to cuddle up with me on the couch and be lazy for awhile.

Ma,
Remember how you used to come into my room while I was studying, and hug me then tickle me. Remember how you used to sing me to sleep when I was young. Or how you used sing when you’re happy. You had a beautiful voice. Remember how we sat on the couch, looking for coloured beads to do arts & crafts. Remember every single day we spent together.

Ma,
I just saw your body, lying in the coffin. You look so beautiful, peaceful, just like you’re sleeping. And I have the biggest urge to scream “wake up”. Thank you,Ma. For giving me life, for giving me love. You taught me everything good in my life. You were always selfless, God-fearing. You were my strong pillar of hope and love. And even though you’re no longer here with us, you’re with God. And you’re happy, just like how you appeared in Lissa’s dream. And I do hope justice will be served. They’re working on finding the criminals, ma. They will be caught.

We all miss you ma, we miss you so much. Goh Ee and Sar Ee has already appointed themselves as my ‘mama’ and I see you so much of you in them. And it’s not going to be the same anymore. Nothing will be the same anymore. You’re not going to watch me graduate, you’re not going to watch me get married. You’re not going to be there to take care of my children. But I know you are with us in spirit, and you’re always watching over us. Please give me the strength and courage to move forward with my life. Please give me the motivation to be better. To be more like you. To spread the love and joy. Papa, Tache and I will always be grateful for you are the biggest blessing God has given. And maybe you’ve done too much good so The Lord called you home. And you are safe now, safe with God. He will watch over you (and us) and protect you. You are safe from all the evil now.

I will make you proud, mama. I will make everyone proud. I love you so much. I’ll love you every single day of my life, and I’ll never forget whatever you’ve done for me. Thank you so much. Rest In Peace, mama, I love you.”



Our hearts go out to Hui Wei and her family.

Quotes

"I am very scared to get close to anyone because everyone that says "I will be here for you" left"

- For me, it's different because nobody even wants to get close to me.

For me, there is nothing left to hang in for or nobody to be there for me.

"We can blame it on a lot of things, or we can just admit that we are shit people"

"Be the change you want to see in the world." And that means that I have to leave and there is nothing wrong about it. I don't need any positive words because I know that all are just plastic words.

Death

Hello readers,

I haven't posted in a while but just wanted to let you know a bad news, and that is I am still alive. I bet many people want to see me dead and they can't wait to get rid of me. I want to tell myself that it is alright to die and that I definitely deserve to die so one day, I would.

Trust me, I would really die just for myself and to ease the pain of those around me. Remember that time when I said I wanted to run away, but I didn't. Don't you think that I am a coward like that, trust me. I want to, and can't wait to die. It is just a matter of how, when, where, what, why.

Maybe,
1. How? I have tried cyanide pills, purchasing them online but right now, I just need to lend someone address to deliver those pills over.
2. When? Sometime this year 2013
3. Where? Home/School
4. What? Death
5. Why? For the benefit of those around me (a few)

I wish I can die now.

when will i be able to take the first step to recovery

None of my parents know about the disorder of mine, none of my family do. They THINK they do.
“Just eat! I don’t know why you can’t just eat.”
“Eating won’t do anything, eat and control!”
“You cannot eat? Its not like you have a mental problem.”
“Since you are so good at this, you should know how to gain. JUST GAIN TO __ and maintain that weight. I don’t care how you do it. Eat whatever you want, go do whatever you want. Just maintain at that weight and I won’t care”
“NO, I won’t let you eat whatever you want. You WILL eat whatever I eat!”
“Is eating that difficult? Why do you have to resort to such bullshit ways”
“You don’t want to get fat? Just go exercise!”
“I know you like to eat, why can’t you just eat and stomach it down?”
“You eat, you sit down. Don’t go doing those funny funny things”
You would want to look nice for CNY and not get those comments right? Then, eat!”
“I don’t want people to think that I am starving my daughter or mistreating her”
“I don’t trust those bullshit doctors. Since all they do in the hospital is look at you eat, I can do it too! I don’t have to WASTE MONEY on them”
“I won’t get you those bars anymore. I think you rely on them too much. If you are hungry, just tell me. I will cook eggs for you.”
“Whats wrong with going out? Cannot spend some family time?”
“Everytime eat bread bread bread, I want to see you eat rice. You keep eating bread, one day you will turn into one”
“You so scared of gaining weight for what? You see us, eat also won’t fat”
“I brought you overseas so that I can make you fatter” 

If you don’t know about it, don’t claim to know.. Recovery is not only about eating or “gaining weight”. In the end, it all comes down to the mindset. I can be at a healthy weight but that doesn’t mean I have a healthy mind. Anorexia/bulimia IS a mental disorder, its not plainly an EATING disorder. Please, you obviously don’t fucking understand, don’t assume you know. Even with my multiple explaining, you are too stubborn and bull-headed to accept those facts. You are even too stubborn to go to my psychologist or psychiatrist to understand further about ED. Whenever I ask you to go, you just say “Im busy, I have to work. Or not where do I get the money to pay for this?” Why don’t you just tell me Im a fucking burden? Then now when I decided to not go for appointments to “save your money” and am relapsing again, you blame it on the ED team for being useless when in fact, I blame myself the most, not them. They helped, I was the one who decided to isolate myself again and go deeper into my eating disorder. You just don’t understand.. You never did.. 

My dear friend tumblr again.

ED ruins your life.

When you get an eating disorder, you might think that you have total control over your life but, you are so wrong. ED takes over that control, and your life becomes this whole stupid cycle obsessed over food, weight and shape. Your social life, friends, family members, studies, fun are all taken away. You spend every single day thinking about food, calories and numbers.. Even when you are skinny, you will be too ashamed to show it to the world. People will not comment about how “good” you look but instead, how sick and gaunt you look, as if death would come collect you soon. You will then become so annoyed and confused. You will not be able to wear clothes that “shows off” your figure in fear the public will judge you. Probably, not only because you think you are too fat for their eyes but also part of you knows, people are judging you for being too unhealthy and gaunt looking. AND also that you ARE too thin. You won’t be able to fit into your favourite clothes. Clothes will only be hanging loosely off you, saggy and ugly. You will start needing stuff just to hold those clothes up. Dresses start looking baggy and too big (even when they are already the smallest size). Shorts or jeans becomes too loose. You start to lose the shape of your breast and your ass. Your curves starts disappearing. Your body that should be developing into a appealing curvy attractive figure gets stucked with the kiddy looking body. A stick, unappealing figure. Probably you can even be compared with a stick insect. Bones that juts out stick uncomfortably out. You can’t sit down on the floor or any hard surfaces comfortably. Even placing you elbow on your table hurts. Bruises start appearing everywhere and you gotta start wearing long sleeves or pants to hide them. You will start having no energy to do anything. You become yellow and pale looking. You cannot sleep well, and easy chores become hard. Baking? If it once was what you liked doing, becomes your fear. You beautiful long/short luscious hair starts falling out and it becomes so dry and frizzy like a broomstick. Relationships doesn’t matter anymore. You start losing interest with the opposite sex, which is so ironic. When in the first place you may be losing weight so that you can attract the opposite sex, longing for love and a relationship. You start rejecting dates or outings with friends because of the fear of FOOD. Or the matter about not having anything to wear since everything in your closet is just too huge or too small (ED thinking). You can’t even go to the beach for fear of wearing clothes that will “expose” you. You can’t go for physical ones because you have no energy to. You don’t dare to go to movies with them cause you cannot sit still or worse, stop thinking about food when just nearby you everywhere, there’s bags of popcorns, nachos and soda. You lose social life and soon, even your friends. Isolation is too common with an eating disorder. All you want to do is stay at home and avoid everything. You family starts to see those changes in you and realise your weird habits. They start putting pressure for you to change, thinking that your problem is nothing like an addiction and can be changed overnight. You fear a life without ED, you fear that once you get well, there will be too much time, an overabundance of it. You got too used to the old lifestyle and you abhor change. You cannot get rid of those chains you restrained on yourself.
Now, do you still want such a lifestyle? One that is so fucking shitty? Being skinny won’t solve a thing. Its just going to bring you even more trouble and frustrations. Accept yourself for who your are, accept yourself for whatever shape and size or weight you are. People like you based on your inner personality, not on your looks or size. Put yourself in their shoes! Do you judge others on their looks? Or their personality.

Quoted from my friend

Mom and Dad, if this is how your view eating disorders think again. It is not as simple as “it can be gone in a day”. And eating disorders are not only because of the fear of “getting fat”. That’s a fucking lie. I know I am a fucking burden to you. I know whatever I do can never meet your expectations. I’m the worse daughter who brings you all the most trouble. Just leave me alone and I’m fine with it. Leave me alone to face those demons alone. If I don’t want to recover just deal with it. I don’t need those psychiatrists nor psychologists since you say they are useless. I don’t need to go for day treatment since it is so fucking expensive. Just leave me the fuck alone to binge or purge or cut or commit suicide. Because I know I’m such a fucking burden and sorry for appearing in your life. Sorry for having an eating disorder. Sorry for not being fat or perfect in your eyes. Sorry for being so useless and weak. Sorry for crying. Sorry for spending all your money away. Sorry for making you have to tell the grannies and relatives that I have something wrong with my head. Thank you for making me not being able to lift my head up to talk to my relatives or grannies again because of the way they will look at me forever. Those “you are sick and you are such a trouble and burden to the family” look. Thank you for all those money spent because no you won’t need to anymore. Because no because I don’t want to be selfish anymore, I will stop treatment, I will stop eating, I will disappear from your sight so that not a single cent will be spent on me anymore.  



I really feel you and if you are reading this, yes you, stay strong and I have faith that your parents will realize how wrong they are and one day they will come back and apologize to you. But that is only if you recover and I believe you can do it.

I love you.

Why I want to cling onto the ED

Do you know why sometimes (most of the times) I want to cling onto the ED?

It is because I read that people with ED have strong determination, because they can set themselves to starve, purge, exercise, binge compulsively with a strict routine. They are very determined to lose the weight and nothing gets in their way. So that's why I think that if I give up on my eating disorder, people might think that I am someone without any determination, without any strength and without any willpower. Because I have given up the determination to continue losing weight.

Somehow, the ED determines how determined, how strong I am. I don't want others to see me as weak. I want them to see how strong I am, although in actual fact, I am crumbling deep within. This is something that needs to be changed because I oftentimes reject love whenever it's showered on me.

"We only accept the love we think we deserve."

I feel that I deserve the minimum love because I am not worth it because I am a big, fat, useless, worthless, enormous, stupid, rude, unkind, uncompassionate person.

Anyway, today someone told me something "I think you should lose some weight, you look really FAT since the last time I saw you."

WOW, this is the "best compliment" I received.

Clueless

Sometimes, I don't know what to feel anymore.

Someone, please advise me what to do.

Quoted

Quoted from my dear friend tumblr
"Forever alone

Fuck this. I know im ugly. I know im not pretty. I know I wont ever get anybody. Everybody around me is pretty, petite, tall, slim.. attached. And me? Ugly. Just UGLY. No wonder I never could have a relationship. Haha. Hey ED, come lets party :)"

Says exactly how I feel.

Comments please?

What am I supposed to do with my life

Suicide.

For my dad, so that he doesn't have to deal with such a troublesome daughter.

For my mom, so that she doesn't have to come home to a troubled house and one filled with quarrels.

For my sister, so that she has all the attention from my parents and having a happy family.

For my grandmother, so that she would be proud of showing her relatives the whole family picture without having to feel awkward explaining to them about my illness.

For my friends, (oh wait I don't have any)

For my relatives, so that they wouldn't have to deal with the fat whale on the table and don't have to be afraid that be dishes aren't enough cos I won't be there to eat them.

For food, so that they wouldn't be wasted on a fat pig like me.

For my teachers, so that they wouldn't have to go to the trouble to deal with sch a troublesome student and having to alter the timetable to suit my doctor appointments.

For my classmates, so that they wouldn't have a sick and problematic school mate . And they wouldn't have to go through the trouble to help me take my homework and notes.

For my toilet bowl, so that they would t have to intake my purging.

For my palate so that they won't have to deal with overflowing food for a big whale anorexic.

Motivation, Activities

Hey Readers, 

Just an update about what I have been doing. Nothing much but I just want to post a question to all others and see how you guys are responding. I really don't have anything to do at home and I really don't know what to do. 

I don't know what to do, for leisure, I mean.

Any nice movies/tv shows/documentaries to watch to kill time?

Are there any nice and interesting games to do or would there be an activity that is a little time consuming (Because i got the time of the world)

Food Porn. Home cooked & Hawker Fare.

Some food pictures to entertain you guys!

Most of these are actually home cooked but I packed it in a styrofoam box so that I can bring it to work. But, some of them are bought from outside.

Take care to all my readers. Love you guys and stay strong in this recovery process. I am not telling you that it's easy but I am gonna tell you it's worth it. 

There are good and bad days!

PERFECTIONISTIC

I haven't really posted in a while. Maybe, just something for you guys to take a break away from me.

Today, I decide to talk about family and how it has been affecting my family and in all ED patients. I realized that most ED patients are often characterized to be someone who used to be very obedient, independent and filial. But, after the ED overcame them, they have took a turn for the worse and all that they do is fight, quarrel and arguing with their family. The family is also shocked and astonished to how the ED can overwhelm and dominate the entire family.

ED patients are often characterized as perfectionistic and they want everything to go in their way. They are very rigid but they definitely don't have any ill intentions or what not. People haven't realized that they are purely innocent, and sometimes what they want is just some attention, love, care and concern. But, sometimes, family members also fail to see them as the real them rather than the ED self. They just know that "Oh, she is sick so whatever she says doesn't make sense" That can be rather daunting for the patient because they would feel so inferior and so looked down upon which would further decrease their self esteem. In fact, such comments only have negative consequences.

I know that most of us have always been seen as the perfect child and someone who wouldn't make their parents worry. But, I think sometimes we are too tired being the goody-goody child and being neglected due to the fact that parents think we are mature enough.

Maybe we just lack the attention, the unconditional love, the showering concern and most importantly, confidence. We feel that whatever we do is imperfect and we HAVE, NEED to change them to satisfy or please others.

But, ultimately, we aren't doing what we want to do. We are simply living the lives of others.

Emotions overwhelm me.

I think sometimes when we feel a certain way, we act based on our feelings and subconsciously it might be the wrong thing to do. But that's because we are humans and we are supposed to feel.

That can either be a good or bad thing. Sometimes when we are so sick, we think that we wanna seek help. But when we seek help and start recovering, we start regretting and start blaming and start the whole self-reproach thing?

Sometimes I feel like treatment is something that we act on based on positive and optimistic feelings that we will recover. And I know most of the times, when we feel down and demoralised we tend to want to fall back into the hole of the eating disorder and fall into relapse?

This are just some of my thoughts and I find it kind of helpful to talk about it