No one there.

Sometimes, when i reflect back and think what the hell am I doing outta this fucking life (wait, its not even considered a life) and then I immediately get the strong urge to want to recover.

But that last for less than a second, or rather millisecond. It gets so tough to maintain that motivation, especially when nobody realizes and you feel so lost and alone in your own world.

You don't tell your school mates because you don't want them to judge you.
You don't tell your parents because you know that they will scold you and might send you for treatment or what not.
You don't tell your friends (other than school mates) because they haven't been there before so they don't know how it feels to be in your position.
You don't tell anyone.

The only one you talk to is yourself but sometimes, you don't even know what you are saying.

Repeatedly, I tried telling myself that the only way out of feeling shitty is to recover.
But whenever I am on a "good" day of recovery, something/someone just has to be there to remind me of how fat, unworthy, imperfect, useless and all the negative things about me.

Yes, I know my flaws and I know I have been saying "i know" but not doing a thing to change.
IFUCKINGKNOWIT. ITS REALLY TIRING AND THE NEXT DAY ALL AND THE ONLY THING YOU WANT TO DO IS TURN TO THIS PERFECT FRIEND, THE ED.

It just comforts you with its presence that you are totally engulfed by it. You don't get reminded of anything else and they just ask you to "follow me" and you quietly listened because you have no one else by your side. They are the only one who understand you, the only one who was there for you when no one else was.

They are there 24/7 and that is what makes them so powerful in your life.



Learning to let go is tough, but sometimes, listening to that voice might even be tougher.