Genes shape your life.

Hello all readers,

I think something that really matter in our body shape is mainly due to genetics. For me, my mother has been on the obese side and my whole family belong to the pear shape kind where we are bottom-heavy.

That caused me to place extra caution with my thighs and I overly emphasized on my thighs too much, researching the certain food to eat so that my thighs would be sculpted and toned. Exercises to tone my thighs are also on my most commonly searches in my google device.

I didn't have a goal weight, but I just wanted my thighs to be slim that I can use my fingers to wrap around. I didn't have a goal weight. And thus, that got more complicated because I became too obsessed about the size of my thighs that I forget that other parts of my body are already shutting down and diminishing.

But, as I got my mind off my thighs, other parts of the body start sinking in. My waist, my arms, my collarbones, it was as though I had never-ending worries about my body parts and that is something really distracting and I could simply spend the whole day fantasizing about the ideal body shape and what I needed to do to get there. Similarly, I was really afraid of gaining weight and losing all the control.

Sometimes, I just feel like letting everything go and just being the old girl that I used to be but sometimes I feel that this eating disorder has already replaced my old, boring identity and I am not willing to give that up. It's really tough to separate my thoughts from the eating disorder thoughts nowadays. Not being able to get to my ideal weight (High/Low) would also get me frustrated.

I know such hospitalizations are going to be on my agenda as soon as my school resumes. I know that I would go back to the unhealthy methods and those extreme steps to get my weight in control and of course, my body shape to be in the "ideal" range of mine.

We shall see how things will go.