Hiatus

Haven't blogged in a while and j guess no one reads this blog too but yeah. Been struggling with many emotional breakdowns. Just so pissed with myself and everything that I have done 

Sometimes I don't know what I want that's why i do different things at times and it is just so contradictory towards each other. Like sometimes I just wanna stop those destructive behaviour and then the voice just comes and I have to listen to it. 

And then the next moment I think of someone who loves me so dearly and the only person I live for (D) and then I know that what j am doing is wrong and sometimes, only sometimes, I will stop those thoughts from overwhelming and overcoming me but other than that, if D is not here like physically here with me, I don't think I can ever do it. That shows how reliant I am on D. And it's really not a healthy relationship, especially for someone my age. 

Stop these thoughts, please. Someone, can you control the monster? Not those outside, but the domineering one inside and within. 

HELP.

Hello strangers,

I know nobody really read my blog but this is just another avenue for me to rant.
Anyway, things have been sort of the same as the previous time that I have blogged except for the
fact that things have been super rocky with family relationships and all.

I don't know what is wrong but I think it stems from my parents expectations from me, my
ED comparison with my sister, my sister hatred towards my illness and me and the financial
status of my parents and family as a whole. I don't even know whether it is right to call it a family
because it doesn't even feels like one.

It's been a tough road everyday, battling the internal struggles whether to r/b/p/e. My life is usually
revolved around the first 3. It's tough telling myself to do what any typical teenager would do.
I don't even know what am I living for. I bet many of you feel the same way but when I feel this way,
the only avenue that I have to seek for comfort and reassurance is through FOOD.

Sigh, this is just more of a general blog post rather than it targeting towards anyone/anything.
But I do have something to add - if any readers happen to read this post to the end, please tell me
how to stop comparing. I have to stop this bad habit of mine because it's tearing my life and my family
life apart. It's tearing the relationship between me and my sister. It is already torn apart and not only am I not trying to mend things, but I seem to be adding oil to the fuel.

Hiatus.

I haven't blogged for a long time, sigh. It's as if my life has ce to a standstill where the same cycle repeats itself everyday. Like I will BP and then BP and then BP, it's really scary. The amounts I eat, the money I spend, the money I waste, the time I waste, the other sacrifices of homework .. 

It's scary as fuck, trust me. 

I haven't been able to open up to anyone  except E. she is the only one there for me. I shall dedicate a post to her later. Anyway, the friendship haven't been a smooth one like all other things in my life. Anyway I doubt anyone reads my blog so yeah. Just some updates with some food porn! Messy and all, cos this was some binges. 

RANT (Lengthy one)

I think everyone is getting sick and tired of me, even I am getting sick and tired of myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, I am up for two weeks break from the hectic school but somehow, i would rather that there be school. Weird, don't ya think?

Yeah, I feel weird that as a teenager I would want to go to school.
I don't think any normal teenager would even feel that fucking way not even for 1 second.

We had a huge fight today at home, and I vowed to E that I would freaking kill myself tomorrow. But, then again, who would believe what I say since I have never done it. It's just all talk without any action. I know I don't have the courage and all, that is why nobody wants to believe me.

My parents were talking about how tired they were over my ED life, and all the time, they just hurled various hurting comments again and again. It is tiring hearing that from your "parents". They told me that it is all your ED talking and they just pointed fingers and fingers and start slapping me and start pulling me. They kicked me and threw/flunk the whole computer on my leg, I can swear my life on this. They didn't apologize.

But then again, I would rather they hit and beat me and all rather than scold me and put me down like someone that is so insignificant in their life. They can never understand how much I am struggling, really. IT'S EVERY FUCKING SECOND, MINUTE, HOUR OR MY LIFE. THE ED HAS NEVER LEFT MY MIND. BE IT R, B, P, SH, E AND ALL IT HAS NEVER FUCKING LEFT MY MIND AND I DOUBT IT WILL EVER LEAVE MY MIND.

Here is a interesting "conversation" with my sister.
S: You know what, just don't shout to your mother, seriously because she is your mother.
Me: Yeah, then what about you? Why can you shout at me when you are younger than me?
S: That is because you are wrong, you have been wrong for 3 years and we are sick and tired of your nonsense. It is an everyday battle to come home and be prepared to fend ourselves for your sudden tantrums or what not. All of us have a life and the only one who doesn't have a life, is you.
Me: Wow, thanks.
S: No, seriously. I  am saying the truth. Every moment of your life is so consumed by your ED sick thoughts like what to eat, what are others eating, what am I not allowed to eat, why must I be skinny, why am I so fat.
Me: - TOTAL LOSS FOR WORDS -

What she say is so true and so exact and so accurate but why do I continue doing it, despite me knowing the no-life-ness that I am leading. Someone, please advise me what am I supposed to do.
Should I give up in life or should I continue leading this losing battle?

Rant, again. For the 10034840382902593 time

What am I supposed to do?

Everything is just so screwed up. Just got a fight with my parents.
But, see what this un-filial "daughter" is thinking. The only thing that i am thinking is "Yay, they are out of the house and I can do whatever I want without their supervision."
I am just wanting to b/p the whole way through. It is part of venting my anger and my frustration.

I gained weight and that is something that I want last to fucking screw up this weekend.

Why do I have to be such a fat whale and still surviving in this fucked up world?
This is so screwed up, nothing else is gonna work out.

Not wanting to seek attention but I really really want someone who is 24/7 always there to shower me with love, care and concern. Maybe, that is a robot or something, because I am human and I know that its impossible to stay by someone's side the whole time.

Some food porn for you guys.
Btw, this are the normal meals that are within the supervision of my parents. That means that I can't purge all this so the only way is to stick with safe choices.

What am I supposed to do next week when it is Common Test and my parents don't know that it is just no school and just going to school to take the paper?
Because I am sure that I will BP once I am free. Its taxing and annoying and expensive. HOW?

I miss you, W.

I really miss the W.
I really miss the sense of security it gave, although it might be false.
I really miss the love that I felt there that I have never felt elsewhere. Although we are strangers, you guys loved me more than how my loved ones would do.
I really miss the food there, undoubtedly. I know it might seem rather ridiculous for someone like me to like the food there. But, trust me, it really is nice. As much as I want to deny it, it really is the best thing ever.
I miss the times with the girls when we would all crowd around and start bitching about other anti-recovery people and talking about those annoying nurses.
I miss the times when we would all secretly look forward to 8am, 12pm, 6pm for all the meals.
I miss the times when we look forward to the trolley man coming to the ward and delivering the food.
I miss the times when we would complain about the temperature of the drinks/supplements.
I miss the times when we would get ready to bathe after the permitted time.
I miss the times when we see nurses catch some naughty patients cheating (those that we dont like though)
I miss the times when we have to get weighed every Monday. As much as we hate to know the weight, we know it determines our schedule for the rest of the week.
I miss the times when we had to sit in the activity room/nurses counter after meals to distract ourselves.
I miss the times when we could just talk and not care about everything happening in the external world, and just caring about what's up for the next meal.
I miss the times that we would only think about whether we had fish already or whether the texture of the oats are smooth/sweet/bland or whether our egg was runny/hard-boiled/soft-boiled/raw/uncooked or whether there were more gravy today or whether our banana was bigger than others.
I miss the times when we had those purple or pink cups with our supplements inside.
I really miss the W.

Sister, well, again.

Sorry for the lack of posts but I have really been quite busy due to school and all.

Anyway, I haven't been doing the best and I know I am quite in deep shit if the hospital were to do blood checks on me, with my potassium level shooting up rocket high standards or maybe my sodium and electrolytes are also fucked up.

I am really so pissed off with myself for not being able to lose any weight. Saying that I am pissed, disappointed, upset over my current weight is totally an understatement to what I am feeling now.

I can't condemn my whale body right now and seeing my sister crumbling down to her frail self everyday is not helping. Seriously. She comes back late at night without having to eat her dinner with us, and wakes up earlier than usual despite it being her holidays.

God knows what she is doing, seriously.

I bet she must be skipping meals outside or what not. I am so so so unlucky to have such a triggering sister like her. UGHHH, can anyone teach me some distraction tips because I really do need them since I am having my common tests in another week, and I can't keep focusing on what she is eating and what she isn't. That is frustrating and I swear to you that I really really want to stop this behaviour. I want to stop counting how many bites she is taking, and how long have she been outside, her calorie intake and her calorie expenditure. I am so so so tired of this fucked up life that isn't even mine.